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- evolve and enjoy a high nurturance stepfamily |
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16 Courtship Danger Signs
Heed these to make
three wise choices
By Peter K. Gerlach, MSW
Member,
NSRC Expert Council |
 The Web
address of this article is
http://sfhelp.org/sf/date/danger.htm
 This article
is for courting co-parents with one or more
kids from prior unions. If you and
your beloved have no prior kids, go here.
Clicking links below will open a full window or an informational popup, so
please turn off your brow-ser's popup
blocker or allow popups from this nonprofit Web site. If the windows
distract you, read these four pages before following any links.
This is one of a series of lesson-7 articles
on how to evolve a high-nurturance stepfamily. This series extends
the concepts in Lessons 1-6, so study them first. These articles augment, vs.
replace, other
professional help. The "/" in re/marriage and re/divorce
notes that it may be a stepparent's first union. "Co-parents" means both
bioparents, or any of the
related stepparents and bioparents co-managing a multi-home nuclear
stepfamily.
This is one of a
series of worksheets
designed to help courting couples make three wise commit-ment choices for
themselves and their dependent kids.
The
worksheets exist because millions of U.S. stepfamily unions fail
legally or psychologically within 10
years of commitment vows.
Background
This non-profit Web site is
dedicated to
preventing family stress and epidemic U.S.
divorce
trau-ma. The number of links in this article suggests how much there
is to know before making any stepfami-ly-courtship commitment
decisions.
Millions of average U.S. stepfamily
couples re/divorce psychological-ly or legally despite their
love, and
earnest commitment vows. Few (none?) of them expected to divorce.
In this divorce-prevention Web site,
prepare couples to choose the right
to com-mit to, for the right
at the right
Lesson 7
offers a series of
worksheets to help you do this.
This article summarizes 16
common courtship danger signs that you lovebirds may be setting
yourselves and any dependents up for major family stress and
eventual divorce.
If you have any of these signs, I urge you to commit time and energy to this
self-study
for your and your descendents' sakes.
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From 29 years as a
family-systems therapist, I estimate that
at least 80% of typical
adults and stepfamily couples bear two to six significant psychological
from a
childhood. One wound is significant
- which can cause you to minimize or discount these courtship danger
signs, make unwise choices, and risk eventual divorce.
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To get an initial idea of either of you partners bear these wounds, invest
time in using this and
this. If you're often
controlled by a
(i.e. wounded), (a) you
probably won’t know it, and (b) you're at major risk of ignoring or
discounting these courtship danger signs and what they mean.
To benefit from this checklist, first study...
Ignoring these basics may indicate that a false self is making your
decisions. Do you have
that your Self (capital "S") is guiding your
now? If not,
well-meaning subselves may skew your responses below.
Choose an undistracted place and time and an open mind to get the most from
this checklist.
Courtship Danger Signs
The more of these 16 things that seem true about you and/or your partner,
the more likely you are to make up to three unwise courtship commitment
choices. Take at least 30" of undistracted time to consider these items. As
you do, notice your emotions - they're reliable pointers to what you
1) You and/or your partner (a) not honestly
for false-self
or (b)
your findings. There are at least six significant
of denied false-self wounds that apply to you two and any existing and
future kids.
2)
Persistent thoughts like "Don’t
commit / to these people / now!" If you often have thoughts like
these and/or significant relationship doubts or worries when you let
your mind get quiet, something is wrong. If
you ignore such thoughts or avoid quiet meditations, you risk
years of significant future personal and stepfamily
Option:
get quiet and invite
your inner voice to tell you specifically why it’s warning you. Try
about these
without editing for logic or "common sense."
Pay attention to your hunches,
in-tuitions, "senses" and
inner voices - your
devoted subselves are trying to tell you something!
3)
Feeling
urgency or desperation to commit and/or
cohabit, and/or obsessing about them.
A re-lated warning symptom is believing "I can’t live or be happy without
you!" Such intense feelings and needs are a brilliant
red light. They may be symptoms of
and related
(relationship
Danger 4) Seriously
discussing wedding within (roughly) 18 months since you met
or since any prior marital separation. Stop
and explore - perhaps with
professional help - which of your sub-selves is giving you this urgency.
Expect to find needy
and their dedicated
subselves. For more perspective and long-term safety, do at least
this right-reasons
worksheet!
|
5)
If you or your
partner say or think "My child/ren come first with me,"
STOP all re/marriage
discussions! The biggest
reason for our tragic U.S. re/divorce
epidemic is bitter, disillusioned stepparents saying "I got too
tired of coming in second (or fifth) with my mate and feeling this won't
change." |
If you doubt that...
-
re/married bioparents must often choose between their new mate and their biokids (or ex mate, or
relatives), and that...
-
and relationship
aren't
very
frequent and divisive in normal
then...
reality-check these ideas with several
co-parents who have been re/married at least five years.
6)
Partners' reluctance to study these seven Lessons. A related danger sign is rejecting or minimizing your
stepfamily
and/or discounting or ignoring what it
If either of you repeatedly avoids working at
Lessons 1-7 your relationship is probably
based more on false-self
and
than wholistic love. Listen respectfully to your inner voices.
Something’s not right…
More common warning signs of unwise stepfamily-courtship commitment
decisions...
Danger 7)
Ongoing ex-mate
hostility and/or conflicts with them over
divorce settlements,
and/or
child visitations,
custody, and
financial support. If a stepchild's other
bioparent is often angery, combative, uncooperative, dishonest,
disrespectful, explosive, or secretive, s/he's probably ruled by a false
self
not bad) and perhaps
unable to
major
My experience since 1981 suggests that...
-
verbal and
legal threats,
-
attempts to confront, manipulate, and
persuade, and/or ...
-
financial or child-related punishments...
usually amplify ex-mate
Do not expect that if you or they re/marry, the "other parent"
will relent!
Often, ceaseless hostility (or
"indifference") masks unhealed
from surviving a
childhood. Where so, you can do
about motivating an ex mate to acknowledge and heal their wounds and grieve
their losses. If either of you partners has a significantly-wounded ex mate,
read and discuss this
example and this
article for perspective and options.
8)
Ongoing or sporadic
legal action between
ex mates.
If you and/or your partner are or were involved in one or more
court actions over assets and/or co-parenting with an ex spouse or a
rela-tive, RED light!
To oversimplify, legal threats or battles probably mean one or both ex
mates...
a
low-nurturance
childhood and has major false-self wounds; and...
haven't really
and accepted their childhood and prior-family
and they...
don't know how to communicate
and...
haven't
forgiven themselves or their ex for
"what happened" (or didn’t) between them, and/or the ex mate/s...
may be acting out old childhood
hurt and
that has little to do with their
Ongoing legal conflicts between
divorcing bioparents usually means any minor or grown biokids are
trapped in divisive
and
Such kids are usually
wounded and stres-sed, and may be "acting out" in anxious, angery protest.
Get
on this one. If you don’t, your future together will be significantly
shaped by ongoing anxiety that "the ex" will call the cops and/or
lawyers again - or cause you to.
|
An implacable truth:
your children's living or dead
"other parent/s" will be full
psychological
of your
until they or your children die. Accept the truth of stepfamily
author Joy Connolly's book: "I Married a Family."
|
More common
courtship danger signs...
9)
Expecting that your partner, a child, or an ex mate or relative will
change significantly-unplea-sant traits "somehow" after you re/marry
and/or cohabit.
They probably won’t, no matter how loving, pa-tient, pious, and
reasonable you are. If they’re not going to change, do you still want you
and any depen-dent kids to commit "’til death us do part"?
Danger 10)
Many
recent major life
changes or traumas in a short time (e.g.
4-6 months) for you, your partner, and/or one or more of your
minor kids. Examples: firings or new jobs; changing homes, schools, or
churches; separations and/or
sudden financial losses or gains; deaths or major health impairments;
pregnancies and births; graduations or flunk-outs; legal suits or judgments;
natural disasters; bankruptcy; home break-ins or muggings; rape or murder;
sudden family membership-shifts; …
Events like these may cause disorienting losses (broken
emotional/spiritual bonds) which require time, support, and solitude to
well. When many losses occur in a short time, their immediate and secondary
impacts can distort adults’ and kids’ thinking, and hinder forming new bonds
- specially if they are
and
which seems to be the current U.S. norm.
Adjusting
to recent major personal and family changes is
not a good
to make courtship com-mitments! Invest in your future by taking
many months to sort everything out, grieve well, and rebalance your
lives first. Help each other keep a long-range view!
Another courtship danger sign is...
11)
Suspected
or certain past or present
to...
-
substances (including sugar, fats, carbohydrates, nicotine, caffeine, and prescription
or street drugs),
-
activities
(including work, sex, shopping, gambling, cleaning, exercising, Web-surfing,
and social causes),
-
moods (like rage,
arousal, or
excitement) and/or...
-
If you or your partner believe
anyone in your stepfamily-to-be is or was addicted,
yellow light. Addic-tions are clear signs of major
childhood
and trauma, and wounded caregivers and
an-cestors. Demonstrated commitment to a
12-step addiction-control program is an essential first step in
effective addiction
management.
Danger 12) Chronically
ill or "acting-out"
biochildren and/or
ex mates. Do you and/or your
beloved partner have one or more minor or adult children that has recurring…
-
Serious academic or social school problems, including few or no friends,
or preferring "toxic" or troubled (wounded) friends;
-
Repeated trouble with truancy, gangs, cults, and/or the law;
-
Non-experimental drug use, or clear chemical dependence, including fats
and sugars;
-
Threatened or actual running away from home;
-
Excessive stealing, defiance, lying, and/or secrecy;
-
Frequent excessively-emotional
outbursts and/or mood swings;
-
Suspected or clinically-diagnosed
syndrome (attention-deficit / hyperactivity disorder) and/or a
"learning disability";
-
Writing or talking about
and/or self-mutilation;
-
Preoccupation with fantasy, death, violence, sex, and/or the occult;
and/or…
-
Chronic
and/or sleep, digestive, or eating problems like anorexia, bulimia, and
obesity?
These are often high-alert symptoms of prior
and significantly-wounded
and kids. Ongoing or escalating symptoms like these are courtship
red
lights.
Stop any plans to form or join a stepfamily until you find the
for these symptoms, and the
person/s make clear progress towards reducing them. Stepfamily
stresses will probably make things
worse.
Danger 13)
A series of
prior break-ups (including
or
relationships, or
no
prior intimate adult relationships. If you and/or your
prospective partner have a history of "failed" primary relationships or no
intimate relationships, red
light! These suggest serious false-self wounds and
un-awarenesses. The answer to these
is education + commitment to wound-
(
not step-family commitments!
14)
Keeping
major
If
you, your partner,
and/or any prospective
co-parenting partners are often
or withhold key truths ("lying by omission"),
defer any re/wedding plans!
My experience sug-gests that such behavior is a sure symptom of major
false-self
and
and
15) Partners'
past or present romantic or sexual
These often indicate false-self
+ ineffective communication +
+
(wounded) families.
A
last common stepfamily-courtship warning sign is...
16)
Repeated
or
If you or your partner
consistently avoid serious, intimate discussions and conflicts on any
topic in this worksheet,
red light! Such
avoiders - and people who "always want to have fun!" or "focus on the
bright side!" -
and/or
something or someone. Their ruling subselves are likely to
that these dominate your relationship’s growth and evolu-tion. Some classic
avoidances (i.e. denials) to watch for...
-
"We are not now, and will not be, a
-
"Stepparenting is basically
no different than bioparenting"
-
"We can and should
handle our own problems (vs. using
qualified outside help)"
-
"A family’s just a family. Stepfamilies
aren’t
I / we do not need to study
what’s
normal and
real
in a stepfamily now"
-
"We’ve all courted /
lived together for ___ months without
big problems, so eventual re/divorce? Not
us!"
-
"There’s no point in learning about and
doing this
inner-wounds /
thing. It’s just psycho-babble and a waste of
time. The past is done, over, finito - don’t you get it?";
(Flashing red light!)
-
"Our (co-parenting) ex-mates are not, and
never will be,
-
"I/we don’t need to read or discuss
all this stepfamily stuff. Our life
experience as grown adults, spouses and veteran parents is enough!"
-
"I’ll never have to
You
all come first with me!"
These are common sounds of false-self ignorance, needs, and
They probably won’t shrink by
exchanging rings and vows. Real commitment involves courageously
learning and
confronting
such fears together, quelling them, and putting
love, and informed trust - i.e. your true Selves - back
over time.
Try reading the
articles on building mutual
trust and
intimacy
between mates, and the
articles on effective
and empathic
together. Then work toward mutual discovery of
"What would make it
safer
to talk and
together now?"
Another possible warning sign is
choosing to cohabit before - or instead of -
formal marriage. For perspective, see this summary of a 2005 British
research report
suggesting that unmarried families break up more often than married ones.
Would you agree that human nature transcends co-parental nationali-ties?
Recap
After
29 years' clinical
research with over 1,000 average divorcing and stepfamily adults, I
pro-pose that these 16 traits reliably predict serious stepfamily
relationship stress and probable psychologi-cal or legal
The more of these traits that apply to you all, the higher your odds of
major future stress, heartache, and loss.
unaware
partners (i.e. their
in the blissful haze of new romantic love will often
(distort) these warning signs.
Minor kids depend on their courting
bioparent to heed these warnings! For their sakes and yours,
work hard together over
many months doing these self-study
before
committing you and your kids!
If you haven't yet, invest
invest in my practical guidebook
Stepfamily Courtship
(Xlibris.com, 2001).
+ + +
Pause, breathe, and reflect - why did you read this article? Did you get
what you needed? If not - what
you need? Who is answering these questions -
or
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Updated
September 01, 2010
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