The Web address of this article is
http://sfhelp.org/gwc/control.htm
Clicking links below will open a full window or an informational popup, so
please turn off your
browser's popup
blocker or allow popups from this nonprofit Web site. If your browser
doesn't support Javascript, the popups may not display.
This is one of a series of Lesson-1 articles
on how to free your true Self, reduce psychological wounds, and gain
personal and social satisfactions. The article explores...
-
perspective on "self control."
-
the roots of self
control, and perspective on destructive
self control,
-
options for improving your self
control, and...
-
how to stop controlling
other people
The
article assumes you're familiar with...
Perspective on "Self Control"
What comes to your mind when you read "self control"? Do you agree that a
vital aspect of "growing up" is learning to control some impulses and
reflexes to avoid social conflict? Can you think of someone who has
significant trouble controlling their anger, language, eating, spending,
libido, sarcasm, criticism, interrupting, smoking, nail biting,
gossiping, or
other behaviors?
Many kids and most adults have some annoying or unhealthy behaviors they
"just can't help" (i.e. can't control). Most of us break our New
Years' resolutions to stop vexing behaviors - or we avoid resolving.
What allows some people to maintain
better self control over their behaviors than others? A common
superficial answer is "They just have more 'will power'." Where does
that come from?
The Roots of Self Control
Premise - normal
are composed of semi-independent subselves, like the talented players
in a sports team or orchestra. Each subself sees the world in a unique way,
and has a unique purpose or "job." Every person has a unique
of subselves, tho many of them are very common.
One universal subself excels at guiding the other subselves effectively in
all situations if allowed to - the
(capital; "S"). Because this talented personality "part" is undeveloped in
childhood, other evolving subselves ignore and distrust its leadership in
seeking to survive as the host person matures.
If young people grow up in a
environment led by adults who are guided by their true Selves, the kid's
subselves gradually learn to trust and follow their wise Self's leadership.
Their inner fa-mily becomes a harmonious team that consistently makes healthy
short and long-term decisions.
Because most average people
false-self leadership from their adults (and society), their Self and
other subselves are often overruled or disabled by other well-meaning
subselves. These form a
which lacks the true Self's wisdom and wide-angle, long-range perspective.
People controlled by a false self...
-
often choose immediate gratification over
long-term health and satisfaction;
-
lack appropriate "impulse control"
-
ignore or distort reality, including
justifying harmful decisions; and they...
-
make impulsive, unhealthy choices even
tho (their Self) "knows better," and...
-
they don't know why they do these things.
Ring any bells? From this perspective,
healthy "will-power" is
really a person's active subselves de-ferring their wants
to follow the Self's wise short and long-tem guidance - even if they don't
like it.
Destructive Self Control
Unhealthy will-power occurs when a person is controlled by an intense
Guardian subself like the Addict, Zealot, Fanatic, Perfectionist, Preacher,
Survivor, or Martyr. Their determination to protect Inner Kids at all costs
can cause rigid self-discipline which is toxic to the host person and or
other people. The talented Magician subself can distort reality to justify
or excuse "bad (toxic) habits."
|
Implication - "a weak will," or lacking "will power" and
"self control" is caused by a person being unaware they're often
controlled by a protective false self. Conversely, people with
admirable "self discipline" often forego immediate gratification
with the guidance of their wise Self and other
subselves -
without excessive ambivalence, procrastination, or self-doubt.
|
Options
Can you think of someone who has intentionally improved their self control
without
first?
The paradox is - we need will power to improve our will power. People who
do overcome "bad habits" are probably governed by their true Self
without knowing it.
If you seek to strengthen your self discipline, consider doing
Identify the specific sub-selves that distrust your true Self, and work
patiently to have them experience and rely on your Manager subselves' wisdom
and leadership. This option is based on the observable reality that
personality subselves will change when they're convinced (a)
it's safe for the Inner Kids and host person, and (b) they won't lose their
"jobs" and status.
Here's a summary of how to do this:
-
Choose an open mind
about personality subselves;
-
Invest
time in studying Lesson one in this
nonprofit Web
site;
-
Inventory
your subselves,
-
Learn
when
your Self guides you and how to
interview your subselves;
-
Use interviews to identify the young and
Guardian subselves that hinder your self control. Start with your...
-
Introduce each Inner Child to your
subself;
-
Introduce all subselves to your talented
- specially your Self and
("common
sen-se")
-
Negotiate with each Guardian to let your Self
demonstrate it's ability to keep everyone safe.
-
If appropriate, help these subselves learn to
trust your
to keep everyone safe and growing;
-
Option: use
to identify any subselves
who are causing any toxic self-control (bad ha-bits)
-
Enjoy
your growing self confidence and self control! and appreciate your amazing
subselves!
Pause, breathe, and reflect - what are you
about what you just read?
__ This scheme makes
sense, and I want to try these steps
__ I'm skeptical that
this could improve my self control, and I may experiment with
these steps
__ This idea is silly.
I won't waste my time trying these steps.
Who just answered - your
or
Now let's look at the other end of the spectrum...
Stop Controlling Other People
As a veteran therapist, I've had many clients try to reduce their anxiety by
telling me up front how our session was going to go and what I was "supposed
to do" ("...and you'll ask me about my situation and not question my
answers.") Do you know someone who you feel is "overcontrolling"? Have
you been told that you are "controlling" or a "control freak"? If so,
you can moderate or end that reflex.
The personality-subself
suggests that compulsive controlling or manipulative behavior occurs when a
person is
It is probably composed of a Scared Child, and one or more dedicated
Guardian subselves like the Catastrophizer,
and
When this is true, then an over-controlling or rigid person can work to get
those subselves to trust the wise Self and other Managers to create safety,
and have the Nurturer soothe the Inner Child who learned to be terrified of
the unknown. As these subselves learn to trust the Managers, their
confidence grows and the Guardians' need to control recedes.
Recap
This is one of a series of Lesson-1 articles focusing on reducing psychological wounds and their toxic effects.
This
article proposes why average people struggle to maintain healthy self
control and self-dis-cipline. It then proposes how to overcome that
by respectful negotiation with personality subselves that distrust your true
Self. When your Self is
to lead your other subselves, your self control can significantly improve.
Reference - options for relating to someone who is
manipulative and over-controlling.
Pause, breathe, and reflect - why did you read this article? Did you get
what you needed? If not, what
you need? Who's
these questions - your
or
