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This is one of a
series
of brief articles on how to respond effectively to
annoying social behavior. An "effective response" occurs
when the responder (a) gets their
met
well enough, and (b) both people feel
enough.
This article offers useful responses to
the behavior of someone you experience as
"over-reactive' or "over-dramatic." It
assumes you're familiar with...
Perspective
Have you ever known someone with an
"expressionless" face and a "flat" voice? How
about someone who had a very animated,
expressive face, body, and voice, and loved to
speak dramatically? Can you think of someone
who often over-reacts (in your
opinion) to mundane events?
Such people often emphatically pepper their
comments with fantastic, exciting, horrible,
terrible, horrifying, disastrous, catastrophe,
awful, embarrassing, amazing, thrilling, outstanding,
marvelous, precious, etc. They may laugh,
gasp, scream, rage, or
cry "at nothing" and
"over-emote." If you hurt, confront, or offend
them, they may react as tho you physically
assaulted them.
Over-dramatic,
reactive behavior can hinder effective
communication by...
-
distracting from
the current topic;
-
overwhelming the
listener with stimulation;
-
appearing more
emotional than rational, inviting
discounting and disrespect;
-
inhibiting
certain topics or confrontations ("If I
bring up finances, Pat goes ballistic!");
-
inviting
disrespect and distrust ("Alex just can't
keep a lid on it!"); and...
-
using
emotionally-provocative terms, phrases, and
gestures (e.g. shaming labels, profanity, or
disturbing metaphors and images) that
distract or disturb the listener.
Adults and kids range from never to occasionally
to always over-dramatic. What accounts for this
range? The question really asks "Can people
intentionally learn to (want to) moderate their
emo-tions and impulsive behaviors?" A
comprehensive answer is beyond the scope of this
article. Instead, consider this...
Premise -
a major
factor that shapes how intensely people (like
you) react to their environment is whether a
reactive false self or their wise true Self
controls their
People ruled by volatile
and
their intense
subselves risk losing the calm, reasoned
guidance of their wise
subselves.
Typical people
are unaware of it and what it means. One meaning
is - logical requests, demands, and threats to
"calm down" will never work for long.
This is because the person's controlling
subselves distrust her or his true Self to keep
them safe.
Implication When a (wounded) adult or
child says "I can't help being so
emotional!" - s/he really can't! - s/he
is not disregarding or disrespecting your
requests, tho it may appear otherwise.
Chastising or shaming an over-dramatic person
only increases their frustration, guilt,
and anxiety!
A more
practical response is to refer them to this
quiz and
self-study Lesson
1 here.
You may have a range of
responses to over-reactive behavior, like amusement,
affection, irrita-tion, frustration, impatience, anxiety, scorn, detachment (tuning out),
interrupting, out-shouting, shut-ting down,
withdrawing, etc.
Can you describe your normal responses to
over-reactive, over-dramatic kids and adults? Your
re-sponse will depend on what you need - to vent,
inform, affirm, confront, change their behavior, set or
en-force a limit, avoid conflict, or something
else.
Compare your reactions to these...
Response
Options
-
Use
to
(a) realize the other person is being
over-dramatic and/or over-reactive, and to (b)
identify how their behavior is affecting you
(above).
-
Mentally review
these
until they become automatic;
-
Decide if you
want to respond now or later. If so, decide
what outcome you need from your response.
-
Ask if the
person is willing to hear some personal
feedback now. If not, consider asking why. if so, get
good eye contact and choose responses like
these...
To
Vent or Inform
"(Name),
when you talk so loudly / fast / emotionally
/ intensely / dramatically / I get
distracted / tune you out / feel
overwhelmed. This is an
assertive
Notice the difference between it and a
judgmental message like "When you're so
hysterical / over-expressive / over-dramatic
/ out of control / reactive /
..."
"When
you gesture so vigorously, I focus on what
you're doing, rand I miss what you're
saying."
"(Name), I'm aware of how intensely you feel
about _________." This is
affirmative
You're
is
way above your ears now."
To
Confront
"Do you realize
how you're expressing yourself now, and how
it affects me?'
"(Name), I feel
like you're over-reacting to _____________."
"When other
people are disturbed by your emoting, I get
uncomfortable / uneasy / distracted."
"When you use
(vulgar, disgusting, provocative) terms and
examples like that, I lose respect for you."
I feel
like a false self is controlling you now."
"(Name), You're
doing it (being over-reactive) again."
To
Change Their Behavior
"(Name), I
need you to speak more slowly and quietly,
and stop waving your arms so I can hear you
better. Are you willing to do that?"
Notice
the difference between this and a response
like "Jeez! Calm down, will you?"
"So you really feel __________ about
__________, and you need __________."
This is empathic listening, which
often helps an over-excited person calm
down.
"Will you try to
get your true Self back in charge (of your
personality)?"
To
Set a Limit
"I've
asked you before to try and talk more calmly
(about _______)." If you're not willing to
do that for me I'm going to (hang up /
walk away / put my fingers in my
ears / turn my back /
yell 'STOP!!" / (or
__________)."
-
Whatever response you choose, expect
the other person to "resist" - i.e.
to deny, attack you, get resentful, clam up,
whine, explain, minimize, discount, justify,
argue, shut down, and/or withdraw. If you
don't get a response that feels right, use
empathic listening to respond, and then
calmly and respectfully repeat your original
response. Do this as often as you need until
you feel heard.
Note the theme of these sample responses
- clear, brief, respectful, and direct. No
hinting, name-calling, pleading, joking,
labeling, moralizing, sarcasm, or lecturing.
Then experiment with your own responses to
excessive drama or reactivity. As you do, keep
your definition of "
in mind - and enjoy the results.
