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A
third potential marital
and family surface stressor is
major prejudices
are expressed - from blatant and arrogant (“People
should marry their own kind. You’re making a big mistake.”) to covert
and righteously denied (“I am not prejudiced against Chicanos!”)
Denial and deceit (false-self
block effective
Prejudice and Marriage
Surface
problems with bigotry and intolerance can create divisive
and
between mates. The bigots are the Persecutors, the “inferior” person/s are
the Victims, and
various family members or others can want to Rescue them.
The
most intense loyalty conflicts are usually with mates' parents and ex mates, because the welfare of the (minor) kids polarizes everyone.
The divorced father at the start of this article had to choose between
the African-American woman he loved, and his anti-Black parents and relatives.
Choosing not to choose displeased everyone.
And major racial,
religious, political, or other biases…
are rarely subject
to calm discussion and reasoning. Most prejudices are based on learned
attitudes and values, which are intrinsically emotional, not logical. This
reduces the chance that your family adults can negotiate and really problem-solve
(compromise) effectively to-gether. And major biases can…
block family-member bonding and
support.
That lowers the
in
and among your related homes, which probably…
decreases the
emotional security (raises the anxiety and uncertainty) in your minor kids, and
promotes their forming a protective
Major biases can also…
cause your family members
social rejection and isolation. This is specially so in bi-racial
unions, if local society disapproves of this and/or one race or skin
color. And…
co-parents’ decisions to have an
ours child and/or to
legally adopt a stepchild can be more complex and
conflictual in a biracial stepfamily.
|
Combined with each other and
other family
the surface
problems above can promote years of stress for you and your kids
and kin and eventual
|
The details will vary, but
the symptoms and causes of these surface
prejudice problems are
con-stant. What are the underlying root problems, and what options do your
family members have to resolve them?
The Underlying Primary Problems
Think of the last time you
felt disrespected, ignored, pitied, insulted, or discounted.
What did you feel, and what did you do? Now think of the last
time you felt or showed major prejudice toward another
person. What happened to the quality of that relationship?
I propose that the root
causes of family prejudice problems are some mix of these:
Unrecognized
psychological
in all affected people, specially
excessive shame, guilt, distrust, and reality distortions. The
thrice-divorced (wounded) Black woman at the start of this article resented
and was biased against her (never-married, wounded) fiancé’s (probably
wounded) bigoted (wounded, unaware) parents. Another root is…
The
primal
for acceptance
(inclusion),
respect, and dignity in each of your family adults and kids. Like hunger and breathing,
this elemental need is not subject to
discus-sion, reason, or compromise.
A third root underlying typical
prejudice
problems is…
The
instinctual reflexes
of hurt, resentment, anger, and aggression or avoidance when any of your adults or kids
feels disrespected. This is specially true if
prejudicial behavior implies “I believe...
-
you are an inferior
person,
-
I am unquestionably right, and...
-
nothing you
say or do will change
that.”
This is extra frustrating if the bigot feels justified and
righteously aligned with God via inter-preted words in a Holy book. “In
the Bible, God plainly says Jews are His chosen (superior) people, and that
women and Black people are inferior.” End of discussion.
Another primary
problem is our
training and instinct
against disagreeing with and/or rejec-ting our parents and
grandparents ("Honor thy Father and thy Mother.").
I agree with Dr. Abraham
Maslow's premise that two basic
are to feel accepted, then recognized and valued by a group of respected people.
We adults and kids need to belong, for since infancy, aloneness is
terrifying.
If
belonging (acceptance and
inclusion) depends on agreeing
with
relatives' core be-liefs, then minor and grown kids risk
loss of family status and inclusion if they openly dis-agree with ancestors' prejudices. They risk clan rejection, scorn, ridicule, expulsion and "aloneness."
An
overarching root problem here is the
inability to think and communicate
with bigoted family members. A common symptom of
false-self
and unawareness of communication
skills is a
semi-conscious fear of interpersonal conflict and
confrontation. People led by their true Selves who are fluent with the
seven skills see
respectful confron-tations as
potential
relationship builders.
Before personal recovery, typical
of low-nurturance childhoods
rarely believe that without major self-doubts (“I don’t like conflict;”
or “I don’t do well in confrontations.”) They often equate
confrontation with aggression, vs. healthy
Know anyone like
that?
A related problem is
family members' ignorance about
resolving loyalty conflicts, value conflicts, and relationship
triangles. If that’s true for your family, you're focusing fruitlessly on blaming,
debating, justifying, and fighting, (trying for superficial changes instead of
mutually-respectful
In other words, you're not aware of focusing on
surface symptoms vs. underlying primary problems, and you see no alternatives.
For example,
let's say
you're an African American-Caucasian couple with prior kids. The white
partner's parents show clear disdain for, and aversion to, the black partner
and their relatives. This creates a loyalty conflict with the white mate in
the middle, defending his/her relationship choice and partner against
his/her own parents That conflict is likely to polarize the both extended
families, and promote some relatives to distance or deny (pre-tend), rather than choose
sides and confront.
The white senior parents'
bias automatically creates a
with them in the
Persecutor roles, the black mate and any kids in
Victim roles, and the white
mate and supporters playing Rescuer roles. This dispute also probably promotes a concurrent
with the kids in the middle, defending their parent against
"those other peo-ple."
That may cause their other bioparent to take sides,
which may put the black mate in the middle (Rescuer), defending her/his
Victimized partner against the ex mate's criticism and scorn (Persecutor).
If you think that's complex,
note that we didn't include the
that are happening at
the same time - e.g. the
white mate feeling "torn" (guilty) about judging, resenting, and confronting
his/her own parents, yet feeling compelled to.
Each person in a family
loyalty conflict or relationship triangle usually has one or more inner
conflicts like this to add to the ruckus.
As long as you partners remain unaware of the
primary problems like these, and ignorant of how to resolve them, then your complex web of prejudicial stressors will probably
ferment and cause increasing secondary conflicts in and between you.
We just surveyed
seven
common primary problems that combine to cause typical family
"prejudice problems.”
Options
Racial, religious,
gender, or other
biases can stress to your
family relationships. There's a lot you
mates can do to overcome and/or adapt to this! Specifically:
1) Commit to doing
together. This will help you
all make optimal use of these next op-tions, and
help you protect your kids from wounds and unawareness. Also, you'll better appreciate if the biased members of
your family (and others) are controlled by false selves
and don't know it. If so, that
makes it easier to see them with compassion, vs. scorn, resentment, and
hostility.
2) Evolve
your
Bills of Personal Rights and help each
other affirm them. They are the basis for effective assertion of
your values, dignity, and boundaries.
3) Study and practice
the
communication
in
together. Over time,
this will empower each of you mates to assert your specific personal
rights and
respectfully,
and resolve values conflicts and relationship triangles effectively.
Option 4) Identify,
validate, and
your personal and
marital boundaries together.
They specify what behaviors
you will tolerate without taking some specific action. Behaviorally,
boundaries are defined by "no," "yes," and "If you chose to do ‘x,’ then I (or we)
will do ‘y’.” (an assertive
This option manifests as you
and your mate intentionally list specific prejudicial behaviors in other
family members that one or both of you will no longer tolerate without
confrontation or other specific reaction.
5)
Learn
what
and
conflicts and
are; and how to spot and avoid and dissolve them. Your success will
increase if you mates both get clear on what your personal and marital
are.
6) Avoid taking responsibility for other
able adults' emotions, beliefs, or needs.
True
inclu-des accepting that every able adult is responsible for managing her or his own needs,
7)
Learn how racial, religious,
gender, and/or ethnic
tensions are affecting
each of your dependent kids; and tell them how such tensions affect you,
(within limits). Then help your kids understand with compassion and empathy why some
shame-based, unaware people need to judge others as inferior.
Help your young
ones learn to identify, assert, and defend their human rights and boundaries,
and show them what that looks and sounds like! Generations of unborn children
are mutely depending on you to do this
for them all. There lives will be easier if you do.
How might these options
sound, with the couple this article began with?
Options in Action
There are lots of
variations. Let’s call the woman who began this article Layla and her fiancé Ed.
Option: Clarity on personal
rights and
and a clear, respectful
Layla: “Ed, I appreciate how hard it
is for you to be in the middle of this loyalty conflict. I need you to ask you
parents to sit down with you and me in the next two weeks and discuss their
racial attitudes honestly, and how they affect us. This is a demand (“no” or
“maybe” are not OK responses), not a request. Will you do that for us?”
Option:
and
relationship-
awareness and work:
Ed: “I’ve read about inner wounds in Lesson 1, and I really am run by a false self on this bigotry
struggle we have. When you ask me to confront myself and my parents on their
prejudice, I get taken over by a gang: my
and some fearful sub-selves.
My Self
gets paralyzed, and I waffle, procrastinate, and give you
I
really do love you and want to be with you, and I see I have to choose between
you and my parents, if they can’t change their attitudes. I need help to do
this, starting with
putting my
of my inner crew. I affirm your
right to dignity, and to demand that I work on my inner-family problem and
confront my par-ents. This is hard!”
Option:
Respectful dialog, if Layla and
Ed confront his parents:
Layla: “Mr. and Mrs. Jackson, I know
you were raised in a family and society that passed on the belief that Black
people are inferior. I was raised with the belief that biased white people are
ignorant and should be pitied or reviled. I sure don’t want to feel that way
about you two, or your kinfolk. Am I on track, so far?”
Mr. Jackson: “Look, we don’t want any
trouble. We just feel that if you and Eddie join up, you and our grandkids are
going to have a world of trouble because of, uh, how some people are.”
Layla, calmly: “You’re really
concerned about Ed’s and the kids’ happiness, long-range.”
Mr. Jackson: “Yeah. We don’t hold
anything personal against you, Layla.” (he feels heard, not
attacked)
Ed: “I don’t want Jeannie and Billie
(his kids) to get hurt either. And I need you to balance my
happiness with yours and theirs. I need you both to accept Layla and me as a
committed couple, and to help us confront other people who don’t understand
and approve. I think the kids will be OK if our three families (including his
ex wife) can pull together. Will you do this for us?” (Affirmation, and
clear, respectful asser-tion. This is a request, not a demand – yet).
If the senior Jackson’s
still had reservations or ambivalences (their inner families were
conflicted), Layla and Ed would use respectful empathic listening and
re-assertion of their needs – and perhaps prob-lem-solving - until they reached
some acceptable resolution or confirmed they had an
This conversation would be
best initiated after Ed and Layla had (a)
their true Selves
of
their personalities via Lesson-1
work, and then (b) resolved their respective
and relationship
The couple could also benefit from
role-playing this difficult
confrontation first, and helping each other refine their assertions and
responses to the Jackson’s expected resistances.
Can you imagine doing some
version of this in your situation? You can learn to do so if you
really want to! Review the spirit, wisdom, and power of these timeless
Then quiet your thoughts, and listen carefully to your inner
voice now. S/He
knows the next right thing to do...
Recap
Human history is spattered with tragic examples of people
needing to judge others as inferior, bad, unworthy, or
evil. This can manifest in your marriage as spoken or covert bigotry and prejudice among your
family members and neighbors who judge one or both of you mates as inferior,
and/or believe that you should marry "your own kind."
This article
outlines common
surface symptoms of such prejudices, and suggests seven underlying primary
problems beneath them. These
apply to
prejudices about gender-preferences,
religious faith, edu-cation level, power, wealth,
social status, "collar color," and nationality.
The article closes with seven op-tions couples can take to protect their
union against significant biases.
Pause, breathe, and recall why you read this article. Did you get what
you needed? If so, what do you need now? If not - what
you need? Is there anyone you want to
discuss these ideas with? Who's answering these
questions - your wise resident
or
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