Use Family System
Concepts to Improve Your Members' Harmony

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The Web address of this article is http://sfhelp.org/fam/system.htm

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        This is one of a series of articles on evolving and enjoying high-nurturance families (Lesson 5). The series exists because the wide range of current U.S. social problems suggests that most families don't fill the primary needs of (nurture) their members very well. That suggests the epidemic effects of the lethal [wounds + unawareness] cycle proposed in this nonprofit Web site.

        This article explores...

why most people should read this article

what is a family system?, and...

how to use family-systems concepts to assess family problems.

        The article assumes you're familiar with...
 

the intro to this nonprofit Web site, and the premises underlying it self-study Lessons 1 thru 5 these Q&A items about families, the traits of a high-nurturance family, and... this quiz about basic family knowledge.

 

What is a "Family System"?

        It is a network of interactive "elements" like these:

• purpose - every family exists for a reason: The most common reason is to nurture, protect, and support the family's members. A secondary reason is to contribute to the larger society as a consumer and participant; and...

• people - living and dead kids, adults, and fetuses; living together or spread out across the globe; and... 

• relationships between the people: genetic or legal, weak to strong (bonds), toxic to healthy, chaotic to stable, nurturing to depleting, platonic to sexual, one-way to mutual, and minor to primary; and...

• roles and role-titles - father / mother / daughter / son / sibling / uncle / aunt / cousin / grand-parent / sister / brother / etc. Each role-title stands for a set of responsibilities and "normal" be-haviors - e.g. "a mother" bears and raises children, and a "father" makes money and "works around the house." Family roles are responsibilities, not people. They usually occur in pairs: parent-child, husband-wife, brother-sister, cousin-cousin, etc.

        More elements of every family system:

• rules define how each role-holder is "supposed to" act in various situations. Family rules are im-plied or declared shoulds, musts, have-to's, will (nots), ought-to's, can'ts, etc. Family rules can be clear to vague; rigid to flexible; helpful to harmful, consistent to inconsistent, accepted to conflic-tual, and effective to meaningless.

      Family rules have little value unless there are clear, predictable consequences for breaking them. Each family role usually comes with implied or stated rules - e.g. "This is how teen-aged nephews in our family are 'supposed to' behave with other members at ho-liday gateings." Well-designed and implemented rules promote family order and harmony.

• boundaries - the tangible and invisible things that separate one person, subsystem, or family from another. Boundaries can be weak or strong, rigid or flexible, open or closed, stable or unstable, and helpful to toxic; and all family systems have...

• properties:  e.g. family names, values, identity, priorities, human and physical assets, develop-mental stage, communication styles, ethnicity, religion, history, nurturance level, and status (growing, stuck, or decaying).

        Every family system affects - and is affected by - larger environmental and social systems. These metasystems (systems of systems) can nourish or stress any given family system - like yours.

       A growing number of mental-health professionals propose that normal personalities are like an in-ternal family system of dynamic "subselves." They have the same elements as physical famlies, and range from functional to dysfunctional.

       Have you ever thought of your family as a dynamic set of "elements" like these? Do you agree that most adults and all kids are unaware of this mosaic and how to use it to get their needs met? Here are some options for doing that:

  How to Use Family-system Concepts

        Like your family, vehicles are complex systems of subsystems. When all subsystems function the way they were designed to, your vehicle "works" (provides dependable transportation). When your vehicle "doesn't work," you take it to a mechanic who understands...

• the subsystems (engine, electrical, lubrication, exhaust, drive train, diagnostic, etc.) work, and...

• how they function and interact. Sometimes a subsystem malfunctions, sometimes they interact poorly, and sometimes both.

        Family-systems therapists work the same way. They collect diagnostic information from initial inter-views with family members to identify which family elements (above) aren't "working right" Then through strategic interventions (suggestions and referrals) and client education, therapists seek to restore im-paired family subsystems to healthy functioning so the whole family system "works" (consistently nourishes, protects, and supports all members).

        Note that family-life educators (CFLEs) and life-coaches provide information and encouragement, but usually aren't trained to provide corrective systemic interventions.

        From 30 years' experience as a family-systems therapist, here is a framework you can use to identify family-system problems - within limits. You can also use this framework with a professional therapist, like a road map.

        The goal here is to identify system elements (above) that aren't working" well." Use steps like these after grounding yourself with this self-study course.

        1)  Check to see if your true Self is guiding your personality. If not, make achieving that your first priority. Otherwise, expect ineffective results from the options below.

        2)  Refresh yourself on...

• family basics, including the traits of high-nurturance families, and...

• the three levels of family problems.

        3)  Define the system you're focusing on:

• someone's inner-family system of subselves,

• one home - someone's nuclear-family system,

• several related homes - part or all of someone's extended family system, or...

• a subsystem (e.g. spouses, siblings, parents-kids, grandparent-grown child, etc).

        4)  Define which people and pets are included on this system. Note the option of including any dis-tant, unborn, inactive (passive), and dead family members, and key supporters, who influence your members "significantly." Option - make a visual map ("genogram") of the members of this system.

• Decide who the leader/s of this system are - i.e. the people who most influence the  other members' wholistic health. They may influence by being the most needy or the most assertive or aggressive. Be alert for wounded adults who have abdicated household or family leadership to a child, relative, or outsider.

• assess whether the system leader/s are significantly wounded, and if so, whether they're in meaningful wound-recovery. If not, see this.

• assess whether the leader/s are each knowledgeable. If not, invite them to invest time and effort in this self-study course for the sake of the family - specially any mi-nor kids. If the leader/s are knowledgeable, are they motivating other members fo learn at least Lessons 1 thru 6?

        Note - most (or all?) other family-system problems are caused by wounded, uniformed leader/s. Any other problems are probably symptoms of this.

        Consider making a structural map of the family system as a visual reference tool for the follow-ing options:

        5)  Define the main responsibilities (roles) of each person in this system, according to (a) society (traditionally, 'mothers' are supposed to...") and (b) the members of this system. Interview members of the system to evaluate whether there is any significant role confusion or conflict. See this for options.

        6)  Assess...

• which members make the key rules and consequences that affect this family system (or don't) - e.g. rules about food, shelter, asset management, responsibili-ties, debts, health, membership, problem-solving, grieving, worship, boundaries, activities, socializing, etc.

• whether family members understand the main rules, and accept how and when the rules are made (e.g. democratically, dictated, implied, before or after the fact, etc.)

• how this family system resolves disputes about rules and consequences - effectively or not, promptly or not?

        7)  Evaluate the boundaries (a) around this system, and (b) between people within the system. Look for:

• no boundaries (e.g. no appropriate marital or personal privacy);

• over-rigid boundaries, ("Unbelievers are not welcome in our home!")

• boundary conflicts ("I have the right to close my door!" "No you don't!"),

• boundary violations ("I'm gonna read your email whether you like it or not!") and...

• ineffective or inappropriate consequences of boundary violations.

All significant family-system boundary problems are sure symptoms of family-adult wounds and una-wareness (#1 above).

        Pause, breathe, and reflect: we've just summarized seven broad ways of using family-systems concepts to help identify "problems" in and between your family members. One reason (some) stressed people hire professional counselors is because they aren't aware of these basic systemic concepts or how to use them, Recall that these concepts can apply to one person (internal family systems), two people (mates, parent-child, sib-sib, etc), or all people in a nuclear or extended family.

Note that these broad options are not exhaustive. Professional family-system therapists have other options and techniques not included above. See these additional assessment options to ampli-fy those above.

        Once you identify systemic problems, use these options to reduce or resolve them.

Reality Check

        Take stock of where you stand with these family-system concepts: A = "I agree," D = "I disagree," and ? = "I'm not sure" or "It depends on ___ (what?)"

I'm sure my true Self is guiding my other personality subselves now; or if not, I know how to find out.  (A  D  ?)

I can _ name the main elements that comprise any system, and _ how they relate to each other.  (A  D  ?)

I can now clearly explain (a) personality subselves, (b) family relationships, (c) family roles and rules, (d) interpersonal and family-system boundaries, and (e) the difference between surface and primary needs. (A  D  ?) 

I can clearly describe the key elements of...

_ an inner-family system of personality subselves,

_ a nuclear family system, and...

_ an extended or full family system now.  (A  D  ?)  

I can explain and illustrate family structure to an average teen now (A  D  ?)

I can confidently describe...

• how primary needs relate to surface "problems,"

• what effective communication is,

• _ the seven basic communication skills and _ when to best use each of them, and...

• the basic steps involved in win-win problem solving.  (A  D  ?)

I can answer most of the items on these quizzes now. (A  D  ?)   

My partner (if any) and I each can now describe how to use these family-system concepts to help us diagnose any problems that occurs in or between our family's homes.  (A  D  ?)

I want to invite our other family adults and older kids to learn _ these family-system ideas and _ how to use them to help us resolve our inevitable role and relationship problems.
(A  D  ?)

Recap

        This article proposes that average adults can use family systems principles to help manage their families. It describes...

• the components of any system: elements + rules + boundaries + properties.

• the elements and some properties of typical family systems - including "inner-family" systems of personality subselves, and...

• suggests how average family adults and supporters can use family-system concepts and terms to help break complex family role and relationship problems into smaller, more manageable problems.

        Learning to do this together can help family members reduce the unawareness that stresses most persons, families and relationships. Teaching kids how to use systems concepts is a priceless life-long gift!

+ + +

        Reflect - why did you read this article? Did you get what you needed? If not - what do you need now? Who's answering these questions - your wise resident true Self, or ''someone else''?

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Updated  August 30, 2010