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This is one of a series of articles on evolving and
enjoying
high-nurturance
families (Lesson 5). The series exists because the wide
range of current U.S. social problems suggests that
most families don't
fill the primary needs of (nurture) their members very well.That suggests the epidemic
effects of the lethal [wounds + unawareness]
cycle
proposed in this nonprofit Web site.
This article explores...
why most people should
read this article
what is a family
system?, and...
how to use
family-systems concepts to assess family
problems.
The article assumes you're familiar with...
the
intro to
this nonprofit Web site, and the
premises
underlying it
It is a network of interactive "elements" like
these:
purpose - every
family exists for a reason: The most common reason is to
nurture, protect, and support the family's members. A
secondary reason is to contribute to the larger society
as a consumer and participant; and...
people - living and
dead kids, adults, and fetuses; living together or
spread out across the globe; and...
relationships between
the people: genetic or legal, weak to strong (bonds), toxic to
healthy, chaotic to stable, nurturing to depleting,
platonic to sexual, one-way to mutual, and minor to
primary; and...
roles and role-titles
- father / mother / daughter / son / sibling / uncle /
aunt / cousin / grand-parent / sister / brother / etc.
Each role-title stands for a set of responsibilities and
"normal" be-haviors - e.g. "a mother" bears and raises
children, and a "father" makes money and "works around
the house." Family roles are responsibilities,
not people. They usually occur in pairs: parent-child,
husband-wife, brother-sister, cousin-cousin, etc.
More elements of
every family system:
rules define how each
role-holder is "supposed to" act in various situations.
Family rules are im-plied or declared shoulds, musts,
have-to's, will (nots), ought-to's, can'ts, etc. Family rules can be
clear to vague; rigid to flexible; helpful to harmful,
consistent to inconsistent, accepted to conflic-tual, and
effective to meaningless.
Family rules have little value unless there are clear,
predictable consequences for breaking them. Each
family role usually comes with implied or stated rules -
e.g. "This is how teen-aged nephews in our family are
'supposed to' behave with other members at ho-liday gateings."
Well-designed and
implemented rules promote family order and harmony.
boundaries - the
tangible and invisible things that separate one person,
subsystem, or family from another. Boundaries
can be weak or strong, rigid or flexible, open or
closed, stable or unstable, and helpful to toxic; and
all family systems have...
properties:
e.g. family names, values, identity, priorities, human
and physical assets, develop-mental stage, communication
styles, ethnicity, religion, history, nurturance level, and status (growing, stuck, or
decaying).
Every family system affects - and is affected by - larger
environmental and social systems. These metasystems
(systems of systems) can nourish or stress any given family
system - like yours.
A growing number of mental-health professionals propose that
normalpersonalities
are like an in-ternal family system of dynamic
"subselves." They have the same elements as physical
famlies, and range from functional to dysfunctional.
Have you ever thought of your family as a dynamic set of
"elements" like these? Do you agree that most adults and all
kids are unaware of this mosaic and how to use it to
get their needs met? Here are some options for doing that:
How to Use Family-system Concepts
Like your family, vehicles are complex systems of subsystems. When
all subsystems function the way they were designed to, your vehicle
"works" (provides dependable transportation). When your
vehicle "doesn't work," you take it to a mechanic who understands...
how they function and
interact. Sometimes a subsystem malfunctions, sometimes they interact poorly, and sometimes both.
Family-systems therapists work the same way. They collect diagnostic
information from initial inter-views with family members to identify
which family elements (above) aren't "working right" Then through
strategic interventions (suggestions and referrals) and client
education, therapists seek to restore im-paired family subsystems
to healthy functioning so the whole family system "works"
(consistently nourishes, protects, and supports all members).
Note that family-life educators (CFLEs) and life-coaches provide
information and encouragement, but usually aren't trained to provide
corrective systemic interventions.
From 30 years' experience as a family-systems therapist, here is a
framework you can use to identify family-system problems - within limits. You can also use this
framework with a professional therapist, like a road map.
The goal here is
toidentify system elements (above) that aren't working"
well." Use steps
like theseafter grounding yourself with this
self-improvement course.
1) Check to see if your
true Selfis
guiding
your personality. If
not, make
achieving that
your first priority. Otherwise, expect ineffective results
from the options below.
2) Refresh yourself on...
family basics,
including the
traits of high-nurturance families, and...
several related homes - part or all of someone's
extended
family system, or...
a subsystem (e.g. spouses,
siblings, parents-kids, grandparent-grown child, etc).
4) Define which
people and pets are included on this
system. Note the option of including
any dis-tant, unborn, inactive (passive), and dead family members, and key supporters, who
influence your members "significantly." Option - make a
visual map ("genogram") of the
members of this system.
Decide who
the leader/s of this system are - i.e. the
people who most influence the other members'
wholistic health. They may influence by being the
most needy or the most assertive or aggressive. Be
alert for wounded adults who have abdicated
household or family leadership to a child, relative,
or outsider.
assess
whether the system leader/s are significantly
wounded, and if so, whether they're in
meaningful
wound-recovery.
If not, see this.
assess
whether the leader/s are each
knowledgeable. If not, invite them to invest time and effort
in this self-improvement
course
for the sake of the family - specially any mi-nor
kids. If the leader/s are knowledgeable, are
they motivating other members fo learn at least
Lessons 1 thru 6?
Note - most
(or all?) other family-system
problems are caused by wounded, uniformed leader/s.
Any other problems are probably symptoms of this.
Consider making a structural map
of the family system as a visual reference tool for the
follow-ing options:
5)
Definethe main responsibilities (roles)
of each person in
this system, according to (a) society (traditionally,
'mothers' are supposed to...") and (b) the members of
this system. Interview members of the system to evaluate
whether there is any significant role confusion or conflict.
See this for options.
6) Assess...
which
members make the key rules and
consequences that affect this family system
(or don't) - e.g. rules about food, shelter, asset
management, responsibili-ties, debts, health,
membership, problem-solving, grieving, worship,
boundaries, activities, socializing, etc.
whether family members
understand the main rules, and accept how and when
the rules are made (e.g. democratically, dictated,
implied, before or after the fact, etc.)
how this family system
resolves disputes about rules and consequences -
effectively or not, promptly or not?
7) Evaluate
theboundaries(a)
around this system, and (b) between people within the
system.Look for:
no boundaries (e.g. no
appropriate marital or personal privacy);
over-rigid boundaries,
("Unbelievers are not welcome in our home!")
boundary conflicts ("I have
the right to close my door!" "No you don't!"),
boundary violations ("I'm
gonna read your email whether you like it or not!")
and...
ineffective or inappropriate
consequences of boundary violations.
All
significant family-system boundary problems are
sure symptoms of family-adult wounds and una-wareness
(#1 above).
Pause, breathe, and reflect: we've just summarized
seven broad ways of using family-systems concepts to help
identify "problems" in and between your family members. One reason
(some) stressed people hire professional counselors is
because they aren't aware of these basic systemic concepts or how to use
them, Recall that these concepts can apply to one person (internal
family systems), two people (mates, parent-child, sib-sib,
etc), or all people in a nuclear or extended family.
Note that these broad options are not exhaustive.
Professional family-system therapists have other
options and techniques not included above. See these
additional
assessment options to ampli-fy those above.
Once
you identify systemic problems, use
these options to
reduce or resolve them.
Reality
Check
Take stock of
where you stand with these family-system concepts: A = "I agree,"
D = "I disagree," and ? = "I'm not sure" or "It depends on ___
(what?)"
I'm sure
my true Self is
guiding my other personality
subselves now; or if not, I know how to
find out.
(A D ?)
I can _ name the main
elements that comprise any
system, and _ how they relate to each other. (A D
?)
_ the seven basic communication
skills and _
when to
best use each of them, and...
the basic steps involved in
win-win
problem solving. (A D ?)
I can answer most of the
items on these
quizzes now. (A D ?)
My
partner (if any) and I each can now describe how to use these
family-system concepts to help us diagnose any
problems that occurs in or between our
family's homes.
(A D ?)
I want to invite our other family adults
and older kids to learn _ these
family-system ideas and _ how to use them to help us resolve our
inevitable role and relationship problems. (A D ?)
Recap
This article
proposes that average adults
can use family systems principles to help manage their
families. It describes...
the components of any system:
elements + rules + boundaries + properties.
the elements and some properties of
typical family
systems - including "inner-family" systems of personality subselves, and...
suggests how
average family adults and supporters can use family-system concepts and
terms to help break complex family role and relationship problems into smaller, more
manageable problems.
Learning to do this together can help family members reduce the
unawareness that stresses most persons, families and relationships.
Teaching kids how to use systems concepts is a priceless life-long
gift!
+ + +
Reflect - why did you read this article? Did you get what you needed? If not
- what
do you need now?
Who's
answering these questions - your wise resident
true Self, or
''someone else''?
The Web address of this article is
http://sfhelp.org/fam/system.htm
What is a "Family
System"?
Once
you identify systemic problems, use
