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 The Web address of this
article is http://sfhelp.org/qa/relate.htm
Links in the questions below lead to
answers
here, in a new browser window, or in a summary popup - so
please turn off your browser's popup blocker
or accept popups from this nonprofit site.
This is one of a series of articles on Lesson 4 - choose and evolve
nourishing relationships. These articles build on Lessons 1-3, and prepare
you for Lessons 5-7.
All adults and want healthy, satisfying relationships for their and their kids' sakes. The questions and answers
below focus on key things adults
need to know to attain that prize. Note
these other
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These
Q&A articles seek to raise your awareness, not preach absolute
truths. The items
apply to relationships between
(your inner family) as well as
to you and other people.
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These article assumes you're familiar with...
-
the intro to this nonprofit Web site, and the
premises
underlying it
-
self-study
-
these premises
and this quiz
about relationships.
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Choose an
undistracted time and place to study these items, and consider journaling
about any reactions you have. Decide if
your
is
your
before you read this.
Questions you should ask about
relationships
1) I already know enough about family
relationships. Why should I read this?
2) When does "a relationship"
exist between
two people?
3) What is a "functional" or "healthy"
relationship? A
pseudo relationship? A toxic relation-
ship?
4) What are the
essential
ingredients for a satisfying (functional) relationship?
5)
Why
are some relationships more satisfying and enduring than others?
6) What's the
difference between co/dependent, interdependent,
and independent relationships, and why do I need to know the
difference?
7)
What's needed to repair a
relationship cutoff?
8) How
can I avoid or resolve having to choose
between two or more people I care about? See these
options.
9) I have few or no real friendships
and seldom enjoy socializing. Is something wrong?
10) What is
codependence (relationship
addiction), and how can
I tell if someone has that
condition? If they do, what are my and their
options? See this.
11) What is
enmeshment, and why
should adults be aware of it?
12) What is
enabling, and how can adults avoid and/or reduce it?
13) What is
intimacy in a relationship?
14)
What is
love, and what promotes and
bocks it?
15) Can
toxic (unhealthy) relationships be improved?
Yes, within limits.
16) What options do
I have for improving relationships at work?
17)
Is there
a best way to analyze and
solve typical relationship "problems"? Yes!
Follow the links.
If
you don't see your question here, please
ask!
Q1)
Why should I read this?
From decades of living, you
know a lot about interpersonal relationships. Do you
know enough? Paradoxically,
until you study this article and Lesson 4,
you can't answer that.
If
you have no trouble forming and maintaining social relationships with
adults and kids of both gen-ders, then review these Q&A items to validate
what you already know. If you do have trouble, reading these Q&A items may begin to
help you improve that. This is specially true if you have divorced or never
married.
top
Q2)
When does "a relationship"
exist between
two people?
It exists when the presence or
absence and the behavior
of one or both persons have a "significant" mental-emotional-spiritual-physical
affect on the other - face-to-face and apart.
Significant is a subjective judgment.
The importance of a relationship to each person is proportional to...
-
the wholistic
and
of each person,
-
the priority of what each person needs
(Q4) from the other, and...
-
the degree of satisfaction or
the relationship causes each person.
For example, do
you have an important relationship with your mother? Your favorite TV newsperson? The mayor of
Philadelphia? Your postmaster? Your doctor? Your plumber? Your
favorite author/ess? Your Higher Power? Some people feel all living
things "relate" because we all affect each other. Do you
agree?
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Q3)
What is a functional or healthy relationship? A pseudo
relationship? A toxic
relationship?
Premise - relationships exist to fill a mix of each
person's local and long-term
A healthy (func-tional)
relationship promotes the wellbeing, satisfaction, and growth of both
people over time. So relation-ships vary between "very nurturing" (need-satisfying) and "very
This is also true with each relationship among the dynamic
that
make up your
The
(low > moderate > high) of a relationship or group is determined by how
well each person feels their needs are satisfied over time (Q4 below).
In a pseudo (strategic) relationship, one or both people pretend to feel
interest, concern, and caring which they don't really feel. Usually this
happens when person B has something that person A needs and values, and may
withhold; or when person A fears something about person B. It can also
happen if either person is psychologically
and can't
with other people.
Pseudo relationships can also occur because a person's subselves need to
deny
something painful ("I really don't love my mate.") or they feel
to reveal something that will cause one or both of them discomfort. ("I am
often really bored by you.")
A toxic relationship is one that "significantly" (a) hinders filling
needs and recovery from psychological wounds, (b) increases the
wounds, and/or (c) promotes wounds in vulnerable others, like minor kids.
Pseudo and toxic relationships are usually signs that both people are ruled
by
- at least in contact with each other. For options for improving
relationships, see this.
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Q4)
What are essential
ingredients for a satisfying (functional) relationship?
My research and experience suggest
these are...
-
personal
and
and...
-
each partner's
directing their
other
and...
-
the
shared ability to
(form genuine
emotional-spiritual attachments), and...
-
a
genuine (vs. strategic) shared
mutual-respect attitude, and...
-
effective
and...
-
mutually-compatible interests, lifestyles,
friends, and values, including spirituality.
Premise:
to build or improve
relationships among your subselves and other people, start by
defining your version of these key relationship ingredients. Then take responsibility
for learning how to acquire them with important adults and kids.
Use this
proposal to widen your perspective and
promote discussion.
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Q5)
Why
are some relationships more satisfying and enduring than others?
Think of the most satisfying relationships
you've had.
Now think of several that were notably "unsatisfy-ing." What has
made the difference? Premise:
relationships exist to fill
each partners' unique mix of
Two key factors in most relationships are whether each partner
or subself...
-
values their respective worth and needs
equally (feels
genuine mutual respect), and...
-
stays
equally
of their and their partner's
needs in calm times and conflicts.
Both factors depend on whether each person is guided by their
locally and over time.
Can you
when your Self (capital "S") is
your other subselves?
If your Self
do you know
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Q6)
What's the difference between a
codependent. interdependent, and independent relationship, and why
do I need to know this difference?
Try saying your definition of "dependence" out loud. If you accept that all
relationships exist to fill a set of personal needs, then a
"dependent' relationship is one where one or both partners needs help from
the other to
fill some key needs they feel they can't fill otherwise. By definition, all
child-adult relationships are dependent, until kids become self-sufficient
young adults.
A codependent relationship
is an extreme case of this, where a
person's dominant
loses their personal
and
and compulsively focuses on the welfare, needs, and behaviors of
another person. Many people feel that the psychological condition (vs.
"disease") of codependence is a form of relationship addiction.
See
this
and
this for more perspective and options.
An interdependent
relationship exists when both people (a) are usually guided by their
true Selves, and (b) genuinely feel something like "I want to (vs.
need to) be with you, and I can live well enough without you if I
have to."
An independent relationship
exists when one or both people (a) want to spend time and energy toge-ther,
and (b don't really depend on their partner to fill key personal
needs. This is common when one or both people are significantly
and can't form genuine
with other people or living things.
Until choosing personal awareness and wound-reduction, kids and adults will
repeatedly seek and/or accept one of these relationship types - even if it's
dissatisfying.
Relationship satisfaction depends partly on how each partner's preferred
type matches the other's pre-ference. The most stressful mix occurs when a
dependent person chooses an independent ("unavailable") person. The least
stressful is with partners who are both minimally wounded, mutually aware,
and interde-pendent. Have you experienced that?
Aware adults and older kids can use
this distinction to
understand and avoid significant relationship frustrations, and make more
informed relationship choices - specially during courtship.
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Q7)
What's needed to repair a relationship cutoff?
A cut-off occurs when an adult or child decides to avoid contact with
another person because they expect it to be painful and frustrating. Usually
the core problems are a mix of these barriers. Each barrier can be improved,
if and when each person wants to do so -p starting with putting their true
Self in charge (Lesson 1) and learning to communicate effectively (Lesson
2).
Study these
options for ending or adapting to significant
relationship cutoffs.
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Q9)
I have few or no real friends, and seldom enjoy socializing. Is something wrong?
Some clinicians call this
Asperger's Syndrome. Others call it
"Reactive
Attachment Disorder (RAD)." The latter is usually associated with young trauma-survivors. Option:
search the Web with these terms for perspective and current resources.
I suspect that having few or no genuine friends is caused by
unawareness of psychological wounds - excessive
+
+
These can combine
to promote an inability to
need and
with (care about) other people.
These wounds can be reduced over time by self-motivated personal
after hitting
- which may happen in mid-life or later. See
top
Q11)
What is
enmeshment, and why
should our family adults care about it?
Every
relationship is shaped by the clarity and stability of each person's
and
("I am me,
you are you, and we're separate, worthy persons with unique talents, values,
and limits, and some com-mon interests and friends.")
Many
of low childhood
are ruled by a
protective
without knowing it. One effect
of that can
be that their personal identity and boundaries are fuzzy, weak, or unstable.
That can promote rela-tionships where
one or both people can't distinguish their own needs, feelings, values, and perceptions from their partner's. ("What do you want for dinner? Oh, I
don't know - what do you want?")
Clinicians describe such
relationships as enmeshed or fused.
Enmeshment
is a symptom of psychological wounds, It can be one way or reciprocal. See
this article4 on codependence for more
perspective and options.
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Q12)
What is
enabling, and how can our
family adults avoid and/or reduce it?
Since public awareness of
co-addiction
and
bloomed in the 1980s,
the word
enabling
has grown an additional meaning.
It refers to behavior which
unintentionally encourages unhealthy attitudes and choices in another person
- often some kind of
("Marta
enables Sal's addiction to stock-market excitement by not
confronting him on his losses and denials.")
A common type of enabling occurs when a family member or friend avoids
confronting a person who is unaware of or
significant false-self
This is widespread now, because...
Significant enabling is a symptom of
the real problems: false-self wounds + denial (reality distortion) +
To lower the risk that you're
unintentionally enabling false-self wounds and/or
unhealthy behavior, work patiently at
and
For
more perspective, read this
outline of intervening
with (confronting) an unre-covering addict, which is the opposite
of enabling.
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Q13)
What is intimacy in a relationship?
Try answering this out loud. Then compare your answer to this:
Intimacy between two people occurs when they mutually focus on - and may
reveal honestly - their deepest feelings and needs about themselves,
their partner, and their relationship. "Feelings" can include needs,
fears, desires, emotions, delights, fanta-sies, disappointments, love,
admiration, confrontation, shared memories, guilts, fears, frustrations,
hurts, and dreams.
True intimacy usually (always?) involves vulnerability to indifference,
scorn, misunderstanding, and re-jection, Intimacy can be expressed
verbally and/or nonverbally, and may be spiritual, emotional, and/or
phys-ical. It may exist for a moment or for hours. Sexual interaction
may or may not cause or be part of intimacy. Many associate intimacy
with "private" thoughts and feelings - things that would not ordinarily
be shared with other people.
Five requisites for true (vs. pretended, or pseudo) intimacy are
-
freedom from internal and environmental
distractions;
-
the shared abilities to bond with and
trust selected other people, and to...
-
maintain a steady two-person
and...
-
mutual willingness to risk total
present-moment honesty with your-self and your partner.
Psychological wounds can
cripple or block these requisites - specially excessive shame, guilts,
fears, distrusts, and distortions.
here offers a way to reduce these (and increase shared
intimacy). For options on improving marital intimacy, see
this.
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Q14)
Can toxic (unhealthy) relationships be improved? Yes
- within limits.
If you're in a consistently-stressful relationship,
shift it toward "more nurturing"
by doing things like these...
-
Work to
your
(capital "S") to lead your
- i.e. work at self-study
Otherwise, the following
options probably won't fill your needs:
-
clarify and validate your human
rights
and long-term
and...
-
view the other person as
and
rather
than bad, stupid, insensitive, selfish, deceitful, dishonest,
etc; and...
-
learn to use the seven effective-communication
and experiment with these options;
-
to identify specifically what you
need to improve the toxic relationship. Usually they will be to
reduce one or more of these
and...
-
stay aware of the things you can
and things you can't, and then...
-
your needs respectfully, and use
to neutralize expected resistances; and...
-
decide if the benefits
(need-satisfactions) outweigh the discomforts of remaining in
the relationship.
-
if you choose to reduce or end the
relationship - including ones with parents, a mate, toxic children,
or a punitive
- then
your
(broken bonds) and
forgive yourself and the other per-son/s;
-
seek your life purpose, and move toward
manifesting and enjoying it a day at a time.
These steps are most apt to work if your
(capital; "S") puts your
and
at the top of your life-priority list. Is that true for you now?
For more perspective, see these
options for relating well-enough to
significantly wounded adults and kids.
top
 If
you're in a divorcing family or stepfamily - or may be - continue with
these Q&A items.
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Updated
September 04, 2010
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