The Web address of this
December 23, 2013
Clicking underlined links here will open a
new window. Other links will open an informational popup,
so please turn off your
browser's popup blocker or allow popups from this nonprofit Web site.
Follow underlined links after
finishing this article to avoid getting distracted and lost.
This YouTube clip provides perspective on what you'll read
in this article: The video mentions eight self-improvement
lessons in this Web site. I've reduced that to seven.
This is one of a series of Web articles on evolving and
families (Lesson 5). The series exists because the wide
range of current
social problems suggests that
most families don't
fill the primary needs of (nurture) their members very well.
All families (like yours) have "problems" - i.e.
conflicting and unmet
needs. This article
summarizes three levels of common
typical intact biofamilies.
similar article if you're in a
- or you may be.
people focus on reducing their surface problems, so their underlying
primary needs go
unfilled and surface symptoms often recur. Once aware of this,
family members can work together to identify and resolve their
problems, improve their relationships and health, and raise
their family's nurturance level.
First, see how you feel about these...
all personal and social "problems"
and "issues" are unfilled
needs (psychological + spiritual + physical
discomforts); ( I Agree /
I Disagree / ? (It depends on...)
all families and relationships exist to nurture(fill
personal needs). Some nurture better than others. (A D
(like you?) aren't trained distinguish between their surface
needs and the unfilled primary needs
that cause them - i.e. they don't know what they don't know. (A
D ?); and...
family members have
three layers of concurrent problems (unfilled needs): surface,
intermediate, and primary: (A D ?) For example:
Level 1) Typical
SURFACE Problems over...
addictions and unhealthy
excessive fears, anger, or
one or more psychosomatic
conflicts among family adults
impasses and relationship
family role (responsibility)
boundaries, and consequences
asset and debt ownership and
management, including saving vs. spending, insurance, and estate
personal, couple, and family
excessive social isolation
personal health issues
home decorating and maintenance
buying and maintaining
relations with relatives and
work and career problems
leisure and socializing choices
balancing work, play, and rest
family vacations, holidays,
family conflicts over religion,
about yourself with this anonymous 1-question
If your family members have significant "problems" (level 1 above) they are probably
unaware of what's really causing them (level 3). If so, efforts to
solve the surface problems and/or to hire unaware others to help you solve them
(like counselors) probably won't fill your primary needs for long.
If your adults don't commit to learning the level-2 topics above and how
to ''dig down'' below surface problems to
discern your primary needs, then...
nurturance level of your
relationships and family will be lower than they could be, and...
your wounded kids will leave home not knowing how to
identify and resolve their primary problems.
This will spread the lethal [wounds + unawareness]
cycle, nd weaken your
family tree and our society.
If you're used to being controlled by well-meaning,
you risk (a) achieving far less than your true potential as a
worthy, talented person, and (b) dying prematurely.
If you don't
alert other people - specially parents
and their older kids - to these three problem-levels, who will?
To make this three-level concept more real...
examples of couples "digging'
down" to discover their primary needs.
think of a significant relationship
problem in your present family, or with a friend or co-worker.
Include problems with kids.
apply the dig-down technique to this
problem with the levels above in mind, and see what you discover.
option - discuss this level-concept with all
people affected by the problem, and invite them to do and discuss these steps.
For more perspective on how to use this concept, read about
problems, and on improving communication effectiveness with
adults and kids.
This article illustrates three levels of typical family
relationship problems: surface, intermediate, and primary.
Few people are aware of these levels, so they focus on
trying to solve surface issues, rather than what causes
This unawareness is part of the lethal [wounds +
that stresses most people and families. Recognizing these
levels is part of learning communication
Pause, b-r-e-a-t-h-e, and reflect. What are your perso9nalit6y subselves
now? Did you get what you needed from reading this? If so, what do you
need to do now? If not - what
you need? Who's
- your wise
true Self or