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https://sfhelp.org/fam/problems.htm
Updated
03-21-2015
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This
brief YouTube video provides perspective on what you'll read
in this article: The video mentions eight self-improvement
lessons in this Web site. I've reduced that to seven.
This is one of a series of Web articles on evolving and
enjoying
high-nurturance
families (Lesson 5). The series exists because the wide
range of current
social problems suggests that
most families don't
fill the primary needs of (nurture) their members very well.
All families (like yours) have "problems" - i.e.
conflicting and unmet
needs. This article
summarizes three levels of common
problems in
typical intact biofamilies.
See this
similar article if you're in a
divorcing family
or
a
stepfamily
- or you may be.
Most
people focus on reducing their surface problems, so their underlying
primary needs go
unfilled and surface symptoms often recur. Once aware of this,
family members can work together to identify and resolve their
primary
problems, improve their relationships and health, and raise
their family's nurturance level.
First, see how you feel about these...
Premises...
all personal and social "problems"
and "issues" are unfilled
needs (psychological + spiritual + physical
discomforts); ( I Agree /
I Disagree / ? (It depends on...)
all families and relationships exist to nurture(fill
personal needs). Some nurture better than others. (A D
?)
most people
(like you?) aren't trained distinguish between their surface
needs and the unfilled primary needs
that cause them - i.e. they don't know what they don't know. (A
D ?); and...
typical
family members have
three layers of concurrent problems (unfilled needs): surface,
intermediate, and primary: (A D ?) For example:
Level 1) Typical
SURFACE Problems over...
addictions and unhealthy
compulsions
"moods," like
depression
excessive fears, anger, or
apathy
one or more psychosomatic
illnesses
conflicts among family adults
and kids
impasses and relationship
cutoffs
family role (responsibility)
conflicts
interpersonal rules,
boundaries, and consequences
asset and debt ownership and
management, including saving vs. spending, insurance, and estate
plans
personal, couple, and family
privacy
excessive social isolation
personal health issues
home decorating and maintenance
buying and maintaining
appliances
geographic relocations
relations with relatives and
friends
work and career problems
leisure and socializing choices
parenting stressors
balancing work, play, and rest
family vacations, holidays,
rituals, and
celebrations
family conflicts over religion,
politics,
and healthcare
neighborhood and community
activities
Level 2) Underlying
INTERMEDIATE Problems
adult ignorance (lack of
knowledge) of...
effective
communication basics and problem-solving
skills; and
of...
healthy-grieving
basics and how to
spot and finish
incomplete mourning;
and...
Learn something
about yourself with this anonymous 1-question
poll.
Implications
If your family members have significant "problems" (level 1 above) they are probably
unaware of what's really causing them (level 3). If so, efforts to
solve the surface problems and/or to hire unaware others to help you solve them
(like counselors) probably won't fill your primary needs for long.
If your adults don't commit to learning the level-2 topics above and how
to
''dig down'' below surface problems to
discern your primary needs, then...
the
nurturance level of your
relationships and family will be lower than they could be, and...
your wounded kids will leave home not knowing how to
identify and resolve their primary problems.
This will spread the lethal [wounds + unawareness]
cycle,
and weaken your
family tree and your society.
If you're used to being controlled by well-meaning,
short-sighted
false sefves
you risk achieving far less than your true potential as a
worthy, talented person and dying prematurely.
If you don't
alert other people - specially parents
and their older kids - to these three problem-levels, who will?
Practice
To make this three-level concept more real...
read these
examples of couples "digging'
down" to discover their primary needs.
think of a significant relationship
problem in your present family, or with a friend or co-worker.
Include problems with kids.
apply the dig-down technique to this
problem with the levels above in mind, and see what you discover.
option - discuss this level-concept with all
people affected by the problem, and invite them to do and discuss these steps.
For more perspective on how to use this concept, read about
analyzing and
solving relationship
problems, and on improving communication effectiveness with
adults and kids.
Recap
This article illustrates three levels of typical family
relationship problems: surface, intermediate, and primary.
Few people are aware of these levels, so they focus on
trying to solve surface issues rather than what causes
them.
This unawareness is part of the lethal [wounds +
unawareness]
cycle
that stresses most people and families. Recognizing these
levels is part of learning communication
process-awareness
skill in
Lesson 2.
Pause, b-r-e-a-t-h-e, and reflect. What are your personality subselves
saying
now? Did you get what you needed from reading this? If so, what do you
need to do now? If not - what
do
you need? Who's
answering
- your wise
true Self or
''someone else''?