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This YouTube clip provides perspective on what you'll read
in this article:
This is one of a series of articles on evolving and
families (Lesson 5). The series exists because the wide
range of current U.S.
social problems suggests that
most families don't
fill the primary needs of (nurture) their members very well.
people focus on reducing their surface problems, so their underlying needs go
unfilled and surface symptoms often recur. Once aware of this,
people can work together to identify and resolve their
problems, improve their relationships and health, and raise
their family's nurturance level.
First, see how you feel about these fundamental...
all personal and social "problems"
and "issues" are unfilled
needs (psychological + spiritual + physical
discomforts); (A D ?)
all families and relationships exist to nurture(fill
personal needs). Some nurture better than others. I Agree /
I Disagree / ? (It depends on...)
(like you?) aren't trained distinguish between their surface
needs and the unfilled primary needs
that cause them - i.e. they don't know what they don't know. (A
D ?); and...
family members have
three layers of concurrent problems (unfilled needs): surface, intermediate, and
primary: (A D ?)
Level 1) Typical
SURFACE Problems over...
addictions and unhealthy
excessive fears, anger, or
excessive social isolation
one or more psychosomatic
conflicts among family adults
impasses and relationship
family role (responsibility)
boundaries, and consequences
asset and debt ownership and
management, including saving vs. spending, insurance, and estate
personal, couple, and family
personal health issues
home decorating and maintenance
buying and maintaining
relations with relatives and
work and career problems
leisure and socializing choices
balancing work, play, and rest
family vacations, holidays,
family conflicts over religion,
neighborhood and community
Level 2) Underlying
adult ignorance (lack of
communication basics and problem-solving
and how to spot and finish
Do these three problem-levels this
match your experience?
about yourself with this anonymous 1-question
If your family members have significant "problems" (level 1 above) they are probably
unaware of what's really causing them (level 3). If so, efforts to
solve the surface problems and/or to hire unaware others to help you solve them
(like counselors) probably won't fill your primary needs for long.
If your adults don't commit to learning the level-2 topics above and how
''dig down'' below surface problems to
discern your primary needs, then...
nurturance level of your
relationships and family will be lower than they could be, and...
your wounded kids will leave home not knowing how to
identify and resolve their primary problems.
This will spread the lethal [wounds + unawareness] cycle, and weaken our society.
If you're used to being controlled by a well-meaning,
you risk achieving far less than your true potential as a
worthy, talented person, and dying prematurely.
If you don't
alert other people - specially parents
and their older kids - to these three problem-levels - who will?
To make this three-level concept more real...
examples of couples "digging'
down" to discover their primary needs.
think of a significant relationship
problem in your present family, or with a friend or co-worker.
Include problems with kids.
apply the dig-down technique to this
problem with the levels above in mind, and see what you discover.
option - discuss this level-concept with all
people affected by the problem, and invite them to do and discuss these steps.
For more perspective on how to use this concept, read about
problems, and on improving communication effectiveness with
adults and kids.
This article illustrates three levels of typical family
relationship problems: surface, intermediate, and primary.
Few people are aware of these levels, so they focus on
trying to solve surface issues, rather than what causes
This unawareness is part of the lethal [wounds +
that stresses most people and families. Recognizing these
levels is part of learning communication