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This is one of a series of Lesson-4 articles
on how to evolve mutually-satisfying relationships. The series extends
the concepts in Lessons 1-3, so study them first.
This article applies mainly to separated or
mates with and without kids.
From 30 years' clinical experience
with hundreds of troubled couples, this article offers...
-
what's unique about ex-mate
relationships?
-
summaries of typical surface and primary ex-mate problems;
-
why many ex-mates can't relate peacefully;
and...
-
options for improving ex-mate relations.
The article assumes you're
familiar with...
If you have "an ex mate problem," see if what follows applies to your
situation. Also keep any divorcing friends in mind as you read this.
Ex-mate Relationships are Unique
Premise - All human
relationships exist to fill a set of each person's
primary
Typical
mates seek to fill
When these needs
aren't filled well enough, the relationship becomes stressful or
self-destructive. When realistic hope of improvement dies in one or both
partners, so does
the relation-ship.
Typical ex-mate relationships
are unique (compared to other adult relationships) because...
-
Divorce suggests that the mates...
-
came from
childhoods and bear
psychological
-
made
-
couldn't fill some of their mutual
well enough,
-
couldn't
effectively; and each mate...
-
probably hadn't
many losses, and/or reduced significant .
-
Divorcing parents' values, behaviors, and attitudes
will affect each other until the last child
and grandchild dies. They can't just "walk away" from each
other because of their kids
and other genetic relatives and in-law relations;
-
Often, divorcing mates must negotiate and
abide by legal contracts over divorce settlements,
finances, and perhaps parenting agreements, The negotiation process and
expense often become significantly conflictual, and may recur if mates break
the contracts.
-
Typically, these factors are greatly
amplified each time a divorcing parent chooses a new partner - specially
if the new mate has kids (and an ex) also. This means that relationship
needs and stresses affect three or more co-parents and their kids and kin, not
just the original couple.
-
Legal battles over divorce settlements are
more common than in other combative relationships. These add to and
amplify the original reasons for divorce, and delay heaqlthy grieving
and lasting problem-resolution.
-
Divorcing partners and
their relatives and any kids are specially susceptible to concurrent
and
conflicts and divisive relationship
than other adult relationships;
-
Divorcing-adults' parents and siblings may
take sides, compounding family conflicts - specially if kids are
involved.
-
If ex mates seek professional help
to reduce relationship stressors, few clinicians are trained to diagnose
and improve the primary reasons for .
Pause, breathe, and reflect - what are you thinking and feeling? Does this
summary of unique divor-cing-mate traits seem realistic to you? If so, how many average divorcing
adults and
their kin and sup-porters do you think could describe these
factors?
Surface
and Primary Problems
Premise - personal and relationship "problems" are unfilled
needs, which range from
surface (superficial) to primary (core). If you haven't recently, red these
examples of "digging down" to expose
primary needs, and return here.
If
you or your family members have an "ex-mate problem," see if it's
about one or more of
these:
|
addiction/s
arguing / fighting
avoidances
child custody
child discipline
child education or health
child visitations
complaining / blaming |
control
dishonesty
disrespect
favoritism
gossiping
holidays
hostility
legal disputes |
money / debts
names and/or titles
possessions
parenting agreements
parental alienation
parental responsibilities
religion
sibling conflicts
|
|
Each of these is can be a significant family
stressor. None of them are the primary problems!
Signif-icant
stress between divorcing-family (or stepfamily) members is caused by
combinations of these...
|
Nine
Relationship Barriers
Notice the major difference
between...
"My ex is stubborn, selfish, and
irresponsible. We fight constantly over money and responsi-bilities."
and...
"We both are wounded and unaware, and don't
know how to problem-solve as teammates yet. We have to admit and
reduce our wounds, learn to communicate and grieve, and then study how to
resolve values conflicts and relationship triangles.
"While we're
doing these things, we have to find ways to forgive ourselves and each
other for the hurts we inflicted during our relationship."
Can
you imagine average ex mates saying
something like this?
For more perspective on these
barriers and options for reducing them, see
this article. and
this brief
research summary. Until divorcing partners work to reduce these
barriers, they often remain trapped in combative or avoidant
relationships. This promotes ongoing stress with their kinfolk and any kids and
new partners.
Options
The most common source of relationship problems between any two
people are (a) unacknowledged psychological wounds (Lesson 1), (b) an
inability to communicate and problem-solve (Lesson 2), often, (c) unfinished
grief in one or both people (Lesson 3). and (d) unawareness of these
factors. Another factor may be one or both ex's living in a low-nurturance
environment which promotes these related problems.
Divorcing parents - specially those involved with a new partner (i.e.
in a stepfamily), are specially prone to complex combinations of values and
loyalty conflicts and relationship triangles overlaying the core stressors
above.
For
ideas on how to understand and resolve any cluster of "ex-mate
problems," (a) study Lessons 1 thru 4, and (b) apply these ideas on how to
analyze and resolve relationship problems. If you're in a stepfamily, also
invest time and effort in Lessons 5 thru 7.
