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- choose and evolve nourishing relationships |
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Q&A
about Divorce, Re/divorce,
and Divorce-recovery
- p. 1 of 3
By Peter K.
Gerlach, MSW
Member
NSRC Experts Council
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 The Web address of this
three-page Q&A article is
http://sfhelp.org/relate/qa/divorce.htm
Links below lead to
answers
in a summery popup and/or in a new browser window, so
please close your
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This is one of a
series of articles on healthy relationships and families.
It proposes brief answers about psychological and legal
divorce that significantly
stresses millions of average adults and kids, and depletes our society. Each answer includes links to more information.
This Q&A article assumes you're familiar with...
Before reading further, pause and
decide if your true Self is
your
If so, you'll
get the most from what follows. Scan all the questions first, and
then follow any links of interest. Do you know why you're reading
this?
Q & A about
divorce, redivorce, and divorce recovery
Basics
1) What
is a
"relationship," a "pseudo
relationship," and a "committed primary relation-ship"?
2) What
needs do
typical partners hope to fill by committing to each other? See
this.
3) What
is
divorce?
4) What is
divorce
recovery?
5) Why do so many American
couples eventually
divorce psychologically or legally?
6)
How does the lethal [wounds + unawareness] cycle affect the
odds of
eventual divorce for typical couples and their families?
7) How do current state and local
laws promote the U.S. divorce epidemic?
Courtship
8)
How does
courtship relate
to possible future divorce?
9)
Are there common courtship danger signs that partners and their
supporters should be aware of?
Yes.
10)
How
can
clergypersons and churches help courting couples guard against possible
future divorce?
11)
Does cohabiting before marriage affect the odds of eventual
divorce? See this.
All Families
12) When does divorce
begin and end?
13) How long
does divorce "take"?
14)
What are typical
effects of
divorce?
15) What
is a successful
divorce?
16) How can I choose an
effective divorce attorney?
17) Why can't typical couples
problem-solve?
18)
Is redivorce
different
than first divorce?
19)
How
can
concerned people help to reduce the odds of divorce in (a) their family
and (b) their community, region, or nation?
Commit to a version of
these three steps.
20) What
are
the phases of normal divorce recovery, and how long do they usually take?
21)
How can typical adults tell if an adult or child has
recovered from a
family divorce well enough?
22)
How does psychological or legal divorce
affect typical minor kids and
their grandpar- ents?
23) How does
divorce affect a typical biofamily's
developmental phases?
24) Do
extra-marital affairs mean divorce is inevitable?
Not necessarily.
25)
How can concerned relatives and friends
best support
divorcing adults
and kids?
26) How can troubled partners select effective professional relationship
mediation?
27) What are traits of an effective
community or online
divorce-recovery support group?
Redivorce and Stepfamilies
28) Why
are stepfamily mates at special risk
of re/divorce?
29) How can typical courting partners with
prior kids minimize the odds of eventual
re/divorce? Why and how should they
select effective pre-re/marital counseling?
30) What
does redivorce usually
indicate about each partner and their family?
The answers below
are based on my professional research since 1979, and clinical
experience with over 1,000 typical divorcing and re/married Midwestern-US
women and men. Use these premises to clarify what you and
important others
believe about these topics.
Q1)
What
is a
"relationship," a "pseudo relationship," and a "committed primary relationship"?
Premise - two people have
a relationship if one or both of them
is significantly affected by the exis-tence, beliefs, expectations, attitudes,
and/or behaviors of the other. Significantly is a subjective
judg-ment.
A primary relationship is one which a partner
consistently values
except in some emergencies.
In a
committed primary
relationship, each partner
vows to keep the relationship primary despite inevitable stressors
and temptations.
Traditionally, marital partners
pledge "For
better and for worse, 'til death do us part." Some modern couples - specially
after prior breakups - commit conditionally, as in "I commit to you as long
as I get my main relationship needs (below) met." They may or may not admit
this limitation to themselves and/or each other.
A
pseudo relationship is mostly dutiful, intellectual, and/or strategic
(a means to an end), and is based on one or both partners pretending respect and
concern in order to fill some covert
Typical-ly, such partners deny the pretense and their denials. Their pretenses imply...
-
the dominance of a well-meaning
and usually...
-
fear
of revealing some shameful truth to one's self and/or other people,
Some
must pretend to relate (care) because they can't form genuine
with some or all other people.
top
Q3)
What
is divorce?
Try saying your definition out loud. Then compare it to this...
People often say
divorce
and divorced without really appreciating what these terms mean. Depending on the context,
divorce
can be...
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a personal, social, and/or
legal event,
a dynamic multi-year
process,
a shameful religious sin,
a cause of complex sets of
(bro-ken bonds) and
a source of relief and
renewed hope
a cultural (sociological)
event and trend,
a reason to hit true personal
and break long-held denials |
a source of significant personal and
parental regrets,
a
and family
identity trait ("I'm a divorced Dad" / "We're divorced"),
a symptom of adult
and low childhood and current-family
a personal and/or parental
"failure,"
a psychological trauma and
tragedy re-quiring personal and family recovery (grieving,
acceptance, and adjustment) |
Most people associate divorce with a legal process between
two spouses involving attorneys, set-tlements, and decrees. Most
Catholics also associate it with
annulment.
The legal process is the end
phase of months or years of psychological divorce - the
gradual loss of love, respect, and bonding between two partners.
Millions of uncounted couples tolerate psychological divorce,
but never file to end their legal partnership obligations or status.
Awareness of which
meaning of divorce is relevant in your situation promotes
effective discussion, decisions, grieving, and problem-solving. For
perspective on the unremarked American divorce epidemic, see
this.
top
Q4)
What is
divorce recovery?
It is a complex process that includes...
-
understanding, accepting, and adjusting to a
web of personal,
and environmental changes; and...
-
adults and kids admitting (vs.
denying) and
broken bonds
over months or years; and...
-
forgiving themselves and each other
for divorce-related hurts, failures, and betrayals.
Divorce recovery is a multi-level, multi-year personal + environmental process
starting with shock, moving through predictable
phases if conditions allow that, and
ending with stable mental + emotional + spiritual
of significant divorce-related losses (broken bonds) in all affected people.
Full acceptance allows resuming normal life goals and activities, including
selectively forming new
Divorce recovery often takes many years for all affected adults and kids to
reach full, stable ac-ceptance. That may
never happen, if some affected adults and/or kids are
significantly
and lack
the
for healthy mourning. See
for more perspective.
To help
evaluate the degree of divorce recovery in yourself and/or another person,
use this.
For effective
divorce prevention options, see
Lesson 8.
top
Q5)
Why do so many American
couples eventually
divorce psychologically or legally?
Because our
society currently
denies, condones, and promotes the lethal [wounds + unawareness]
That includes condoning...
-
unqualified child-conception and
parenting - partly due to impaired mother-child
so kids don't get their developmental needs met well enough; and...
-
to survive, poorly-nurtured kids automatically develop
two to six psychological
and
when they leave home...
-
typical wounded,
unaware
young adults choose the
to commit to, for the
at
the wrong
and...
-
typical couples are unaware of grieving,
and
basics, and can't avoid or resolve significant relationship
problems. Therefore, their relationship needs are unfilled too often,
and eventually, weary, hopeless partners divorce psychologically or legally; and...
-
unless divorcing, needy
adults intentionally reduce their unawareness and wounds, they often
un-consciously repeat this sequence in midlife or later - specially if
they choose to join or create a complex, alien stepfamily.
Does this explanation of
widespread American divorce
seem credible to you? If so, consider acting to
prevent divorce by choosing some version of these
three steps - starting in
your
family. If this brief ex-planation doesn't seem credible, how do
you explain the American divorce
epidemic?
top
Q6)
How
does the pervasive [wounds + unawareness]
affect the odds
of
eventual psycho- logical and legal
divorce for typical couples and their families?
The cycle steeply increases the odds of eventual divorce by...
-
promoting
courting partners
choosing each other despite danger signs (Q9) and
their
respective wounds and what they
and
by...
-
typical partners
and
significant relationship problems (unfilled needs), and...
-
partners' false selves not wanting to learn how to admit and
resolve such problems effectively as true teammates; and...
-
couples avoiding appropriate
and/or not using supports when offered; and the cycle...
-
promotes significant personal, school, and
social problems for any dependent kids, which stresses the kids, the co-parents'
relationship, and their
These cycle-effects combine to raise the odds of
psychological and legal divorce, because typical
lay adults and most mental-health professionals aren't aware of them or
don't know what to do about them..
See
for
effective options to break the
cycle.
top
Q7)
How do
current state and local laws promote the U.S. divorce epidemic?
Most
states require an exam to get licensed to operate a vehicle, practice law,
dentistry, sell food, prepare taxes, parent foster kids, and to provide
various personal and home-repair services.
To my know-ledge, most U.S. states require an official blood test and no
other meaningful requisites for legal mar-riage. In other words, ancestral
tradition puts the responsibility for wise commitment choices on the couple, not the
state - despite the major stresses that divorces and inept child care
put on our society.
Typical churches may
offer voluntary pre-marital counseling and sanctify
marriages, but make no ef-fective attempt to assess and stop ill-prepared (unqualified) couples from
committing to each other and potentially passing on the lethal [wounds +
unawareness]
to their
vulnerable descendents.
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From this point of view, current civil laws and church traditions are tacitly promoting the
tragic U.S. divorce epidemic, which spreads the [wounds +
unawareness] cycle.
The voting public passively permits this, so far. If you want
to stop this enabling and protect future generations, consider these
practical action options.
|
top
Q8)
How does
the courtship process relate to possible future divorce?
When one
or both courting partners are significantly
they risk choosing the wrong
to commit to, for the wrong
at the wrong
These reactive, unwise
courtship-commitment decisions combine to steeply raise the odds of future
psychological or legal divorce - even if one or both mates divorced
before.
This is specially true where one or both partners have
minor and/or grown kids from prior unions.
Restated - typical needy, love-dazed courting partners aren't aware
of - or ignore - clear
that they're making unwise commitment choices. From this
perspective, divorce starts in courtship.
top
Question 10)
How can
clergypersons and churches help courting couples guard against future divorce?
The first line of protection for typical
couples is any clergyperson
they ask to sanc-tify their union who knows about the unseen
+
unawareness]
and its toxic personal, mari-tal, and parental
I suspect that
few ordained men and women have this vital knowledge now.
For practical options
that clergypersons of any faith have to alert and protect engaged
couples with or without prior kids, see
self-study
Note: popular
(re)marriage-prep programs like
Prepare/Enrich,
FOCCUS,
and
Relate
are
helpful within limits, and presently
do NOT adequately assess engaged
couples for the common
pro-posed here. See
these
and study this free, self-study marriage-prep
top
Q12) When does a divorce
start and end?
Many people say "It begins when one mate calls a lawyer." I propose
that psychological divorce starts much earlier, when one
partner admits significant marital discomfort - i.e. anxiety, hurt,
anger, frustration, distrust, irritation, and disrespect. A purist
may say that divorce really starts when a needy adult makes
impulsive,
commitment
The (legal) divorce process
ends only when the adult or child who is slowest at
adjusting to personal and family changes regains their personal
balance, finishes grieving and forgiving, and fully resumes stable
focus on their present and future life. It can be hard to assess
this - specially if anyone is repres-sing and denying
divorce-related feelings. See this
worksheet for perspective.
Implication - because many psychologically-
divorce
and their families are unable to grieve well, their divorce-adjustment phase
may not truly end until the adults
and admit and start to
("recover from") their wounds. This delayed adjustment may manifest as
significant
"de-pression,"
addictions,
promiscuity, obesity,
health and/or parenting problems, and impulsive remarriage
and/or cohabiting.
top
 More
answers to questions about divorce, re/divorce, and
divorce recovery...
Updated
August 31, 2010
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