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Updated
04-28-2015
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This is one of several Lesson-6 articles
on how to parent effectively when mates divorce. These articles augment, vs.
replace, other
qualified
professional help. The "/" in re/marriage and re/divorce
notes that it may be a stepparent's first union. "Co-parents" means both
bio(logical) parents, or any of the
three or more
related stepparents and bioparents co-managing a multi-home nuclear
stepfamily.
This article assumes you're familiar with...
the intro
to this Web site and the
premises underlying it
Typical
divorcing
parents and
stepfamily
adults are challenged to fill minor kids' needs and their own effectively despite many
conflicts
and distractions. Traditional intact-family parenting norms often no longer
apply.
This brief YouTube video highlights some of what typical minor kids need
after parental divorce. The video mentions eight lessons in this
self-improvement Web site - I've reduced that to seven:
The questions below
come from my 36
years' experience working with hundreds of divorcing and stepfamily adults
and kids. The answers
here are brief, and most include links to more detailed
information.
Questions Parents Should Ask After Divorce and Re/marriage
1) How can I tell how "functional" or
"healthy" our
multi-home family is?
2) What are the
key problems that typical divorcing or widowed
parents need to resolve, and
how long does resolution usually take?
3) What are the
typical adjustment needs of
minor kids whose parents separate, divorce psychologically or legally, or die? Do typical stepkids have additional needs? Do
average adult kids have these same needs?
4) When does a
stepfamily begin
- i.e. when do
stepfamily dynamics start to affect typical adults and kids?
5) Is co-parenting in typical divorcing families and stepfamilies
harder than
in average intact biofamilies? If so, why? What does this mean
to average co-parents and kids?
6) How can family
adults
best prepare
themselves and minor kids for a bioparent re/marrying or cohabiting?
7) Who comprises a
stepchild's nuclear family? If
family adults and/or kids disagree on
this, what should co-parents
do?
8) What do divorcing bioparents and stepfamily co-parents
need to
know about family management and effective childcare? Where can they
learn if their role and relationship expectations are
realistic?
9) What are
common barriers to co-parents nurturing cooperatively after
divorce and/or re/marriage, and how can the adults reduce these barriers?
10) What
is a co-parenting style, and how can divorcing and stepfamily co-parents best resolve major
style conflicts?
11) If a stepparent
has no prior child-raising experience (or none with boys, girls, or teens), should they
have equal say in nurturing a stepchild? What if
stepfamily members disagree on this?
12) If
a stepparent has biochildren, should s/he feel guilty or ashamed if s/he
honestly
cares more for them than
their stepkids?
13) Is
it wrongfor a bioparent to expect their new mate and kids to
love eachother?
Yes.
14) What
can new mates do if a co-parenting ex-spouse or relative demands that a
child reject or
disobey their stepparent?
15) Is there a"best way" for typical bioparents and stepparents to resolve serious disputes over nurturing minor or grown kids?
Yes!
16) Is therea best way that co-parents can
manage major changes to
their multi-home family's structure, assets, membership,
values, roles, and rituals?
17)
Some authorities
say in a conflict, (a) a re/married bioparent should put their child's needs
ahead of their partner's needs, and (b) the stepparent should accept this. Is this opinion valid?
No.
18) What is a family
mission statement and a co-parenting
fob description, and why are they each
essential in most
divorcing families and stepfamilies?
19)
(a) What is
effective
child
discipline, and (b) what if divorcing or re/married co-parents can't agree on disciplinary rules and
consequences in and between a minor child's two homes?
20)
What are the pros and cons of
using lawyers to resolve co-parenting
disputes?
Q & A about
Common
Stepfamily Co-parenting Problems
21) One or more of our co-parents
doesn't care - or vehemently denies - that we're a stepfamily. Is this a significant problem? Yes!
22) How can co-parents best
prepare
themselves and dependent kids for the re/marriage
or
re/divorce of a
bioparent?
23) How can co-parents best prepare
themselves and dependent kids for the conception and birth of a
new ("ours")
child?
24) How can co-parents best prepare
themselves and dependent kids for a child
changing custodial homes, or moving
out for good?
25) Is it better to keep biological
sibling living together, rather than splitting physical custody between bioparents?
Usually
yes
26) We're
conflicted over names and titles in our stepfamily. Are there any
guidelines we can use to resolve this?
Yes. Read and discuss
this and
this.
27) Is there abest way to resolve
co-parent
disputes over child financial support, including insurance
coverages and wills? Yes
Q1) How
can I tell how "functional" or
"healthy" our
divorcing
family or
stepfamily is?
A family functionswell if it fills most
members'
primary needs
(nurtures) enough of the time,
according to each member. Over time,
adults and kids need to satisfy a dynamic mix of personal,
relationship, and
change-adjustment needs.
Well-functioning (high-nurturance) families have common
behavioral traits, and their adults have few symptoms of psychological wounds. Use the linked articles to estimate
a family's nurturance level
or "functionality" (low to high).
Q2)
What are the
key
parenting problems that typical divorcing or widowed adults need to resolve, and
how long does resolution usually take?
Every adult and child has basic adjustment needs to fill when
parents divorce or
when a mate dies. Typical adults and kids are only vaguely aware of vital needs
like these...
grieve
physical and
invisible
losses,
and regain interest in pursuing their life
purposes and dreams; and...
adjust and stabilize their personal
identities ("I am now a divorced father"),
securities, and key
relationships; and...
keep their
personal
balances as they
do these difficult tasks while filling
their underlying
primary needs over many
months; and they need to...
Depending on many factors, adults can
begin these adjustments well before a divorce or foreseen death, and may
take up to a dozen years or more to "complete" (accept) them and really stabilize.
Two factors that affect how long this adjustment period takes are whether the
person is significantly wounded, and whether they live in a
social environment (family +
friends + workplace + any church community) that
promotes
healthy grieving.
A key factor in serious courtship
after divorce or mate death is assessing
how far along each
divorcing or widowed partner and related minor
child is in this multi-level adjustment process. The answer helps in
choosing the
right time to
form
or join a stepfamily.
Q3)
What are the
typical adjustment needs of
minor kids whose parents separate, divorce psychologically or legally or die? Do typical stepkids have additional needs? Do
average adult kids have these same needs?
All
kids must fillbasic
developmental
needs to prepare for successful adult independence.
Typical children raised in low-nurturance families also need to heal
psychological
wounds. Average children whose parents split up also have up to a
dozen additional needs to adjust to
all the changes in their lives. Their parents have similar needs.
When a single parent starts to date seriously,
their minor kids can experience up to
12 moreadjustment needs. They may not
have filled their family-breakup needs when these new ones appear. Most kids
can't describes these needs, and typical caregivers
are only hazily aware of them. Reality check: try naming these
common adjustment needs before
following the links above.
Bottom line: typical minor and grown
stepkids can have two to four sets of concurrent needs to fill,
often with little
informed adult guidance. This is why it's
vital that courting co-parents study
Lesson 7
and choose the
right time to
form or join a stepfamily.
Q4)
When does a
stepfamily begin
- i.e. when do
stepfamily dynamics start to affect typical adults and kids?
A stepfamily begins psychologically when a single parent starts to date a new partner
(a potential stepparent) "seriously." As bonding and intimacy
grow, all related adults and kids begin to experience common
problems.
The sooner couples acknowledge their
stepfamily
identity and
what this identity
means,
the more they're apt to make wise commitment
decisions
for themselves and minor kids.
Q5)
Is co-parenting in typical divorcing families and stepfamilies
harder than
in average intact biofamilies? If so - why, and what does this mean
to average co-parents and kids?
Here, co-parenting means
"the ongoing process of adults helping each other identify and fill their
and their kids'' primary needs." Compared to
typical bioparents,
co-parents in average divorcing families and stepfamilies have a harder time
doing this well because...
This means that without special adult
awareness, dedication, and help,
the
nurturance level of typical divorcing families and stepfamilies will be lower than healthy intact biofamilies.
That implies that,,,
their kids and adults are more likely to
develop or increase significant psychological
wounds,
Q6)
How can family adults best prepare themselves
and dependent kids for a bioparent re/marrying and/or
cohabiting?
Choosing a new mate and/or
combining households will cause major
changes in
two or more related
co-parenting homes. Courting partners can minimize disruption and conflict from these
changes by...
acknowledging these five universal
hazards
and the lethal [wounds + unawareness]
cycle;
and...
all adults studying, discussing, and
applying this self-improvement
course
well before any commitment or cohabiting decisions - specially, adults...
helping each other
free
their true Selves to guide them all and guard their kids (Lesson 1).
Reluctance to take these
steps
probably
indicates significant psychological wounds and unawareness in mates and
their relatives.
Q7)
Who comprises a stepchild's
nuclear family? If family members disagree on
this, what should co-parents do?
A "nuclear family"
traditionally refers to all people regularly living in a child's principle
home - usually bioparents and siblings. This is also true of a stepchild whose
custodial bioparent is a re/married widow/er. Minor stepkids of divorcing parents
often move back and forth between each bioparent's home, so
their nuclear
stepfamily is all adults and kids regularly
living in
both homes.
This can eventually includes one or two stepparents; both
bioparents; any biological, step, and half-siblings; and any other live-in relatives.
Some adults or kids may want to exclude some residents of the
non-custodial parent's home from belonging to their nuclear stepfamily. This
is specially true if the rejecters deny their stepfamily
identity ("We're just a family,
period!"). Such exclusions usually..
hinder the growth of healthy new stepfamily
relationships and bonds.
Couples can minimize this stress by investing time and effort in
Lessons 1-7, ideally
before committing
and cohabiting. Any adults' or child's reluctance to accept their stepfamily
identity and/or to include an ex
mate or step-relative (a
membership
conflict) suggests
unawareness, psychological
wounding, and probably
incomplete grief.
Q8)
What do divorcing bioparents and stepfamily co-parents need to know about
family management and effective childcare? Where can they learn if
their role and relationship expectations are
realistic?
Typical family adults and supporters need to
study and discuss Lessons
1 thru 6 or 7
here. To gauge the realism
of your stepfamily expectations, see and discuss this article
and this worksheet.
Q9)
What are
common barriers to co-parents nurturing cooperatively after
divorce and/or re/marriage, and how can the adults reduce these barriers?
Typical divorcing and stepfamily co-parents face a mix of
up to nine related
barriers to forming an effective caregiving
team.
The core barriers are psychological
wounds
and adult
unawareness.
This article outlines effective options
for reducing these barriers together and raising your (step)family's
nurturance level
over time. For more perspective, see this
article on improving ex-mate relations.
Q10)
What is a co-parenting style, and how can divorcing and stepfamily co-parents best
resolve major
style conflicts?
Everybioparent and
stepparentdevelops a caregiving style - a set of
values,
priorities, goals, and behaviors that shape how they nurture their dependent and grown
kids. Typical style factors are...
nurturing from the heart (being able to
bond with and truly respect and love each
unique child), vs. nurturing intellectually ("by the book") or dutifully (weak
or no real bond);
beingreactive and passive(having few or no clear co-parenting
goals or plans) or proactive and involved
(having clear goals and a
coherent
plan to reach them for each child;
intentionallylearning kids' needs (reading books, taking classes,
asking questions), or parenting instinctively("I already know what
children need");
focusing mainly on the
kids' current and
long-term needs, or valuing co-parents' and children's needs equally;
valuing
and modeling spirituality and
spiritual growth as an essential part
of effective childcare, vs. intellectualizing, ignoring, or scorning those;
More
elements in a co-parenting style...
disciplining children to
punish bad
behavior, (cause pain) or to teach good behavior and self-respect;
ranking co-parenting
as a low
or high
personal priority
amidst other things like
self-interest, re/marriage, work, money, socializing, etc.;
seeing childcare as a
stimulating, rewarding privilege, or an onerous chore to be endured; and...
expecting kids to solve their own
problems, vs. patiently guiding them toward learning
how to solve their
problems with appropriate instruction and help.
Which of these style-factors do you feel are most important, long term? Can you think of other
key co-parentingfactors that mesh or conflict in your
past or current family?Note that these factors also shape co-grandparents' and other adults' nurturing styles.
Style factors like these are individual values or preferences. They're based more on ancestry, upbringing, and
personality than "logic."
If adults' styles
clash significantly, their kids need them to want to
reduce any relationship barriers (Q10 above), and to forge an effective strategy together for
spotting and resolving
values conflicts and
relationship triangles. Do your family adults have such strategies yet? If not, who's responsible
for creating them?
Q11)
If a stepparent
has no prior child-raising experience (or none with boys, or girls, or teens),
should s/he have equal say in nurturing a stepchild? What if
stepfamily members disagree on this?
Childlessstepparents' lack of caregiving experience
can causes conflicts in and between
new-stepfamily homes. Bioparents can love their new mate, and distrust and/or
disagree with her or his childcare beliefs, judgment, and actions. ("You
expect way to much from my daughter.")
Even
if a stepparent has extensive parenting experience,
most authorities agree that it's
generally best to let the bioparents make most major co-parenting decisions
in the first year or so after cohabiting, until some trust
bonding, and respect have grown..
If stepfamily relatives disagree significantly over how much childcare
authority a stepparent has, partners need to (a) agree on their shared
priorities, and
(b) learn how to recognize and resolve
values and
loyalty conflicts and relationship
triangles. Are
your family adults clear on these yet? If not, see
this.
Q12)
If a stepparent has biochildren, should s/he feel guilty or ashamed if
s/he honestly
cares more for them than their stepkids?
"Blood is thicker than
water" is a folk-saying meaning genetic bonds are usually stronger than legal
bonds or friendships. It's usually instinctive to favor your own child over a
stepchild, even if the latter has been in your life for years. Stepparents
can strive to be fair and impartial between biokids and stepkids, but if they feel
a preference,
shame or guilt is as unwarranted as for digesting food or
coughing.
Guilt blooms from believing you've broken
someone's rule - a should (not), must (not), can't,
have to, ought to.... "Love your children equally" is a
biofamily reflex and rule which often doesn't apply to average
stepfamilies. There are exceptions. If some of your
stepfamily members disagree with this point of view, you have a
values conflict to resolve.
Pretending you feel no preference when actions show otherwise sends a
double message which raises distrust, and confusion and lowers respect. A practical
option can be to say something like "Yes, if the house were on fire, I'd
probably think of my children's safety first, but in non-fire times, I'm
trying hard to treat everyone the same. Each of you (children) is special to
me in your own way." For perspective, see this
article on managing three universal
family stressors.
Keep in mind that after family reorganizations
like parental separation and re/marriage,
minor kids instinctively need to test and retest
to prove that they won't be abandoned or "demoted" because of the "new people."
This is specially true with
fear-based or
shame-based (wounded) kids from low-nurturance
childhoods.
Q13)Is
it wrong for a bioparent to expect or demand that their new mate
must love their stepkids or that their
child/ren must love their stepparent and any stepsiblings?
Yes. They haven't accepted the reality of their stepfamily
identity and what
it
means. Kids who aren't taught about
this unrealistic love
expectation are specially vulnerable to (a) feel significant confusion,
guilts, and shame; and
to (b) seek
approval by pretending "love" that they don't really feel.
For more perspective, see
this.
Q14)
What can new mates do
if an ex spouse or relative demands that a child
reject or
disobey their stepparent?
Such demands usually indicate psychological
wounds and
other relationship
barriers - so
logical
requests and explanations ("Don't you see you're confusing the
child?") will usually not
change the adult's behavior and will raise everyone's frustrations. Couples confronted with this situation can...
help each other free your
true Selves to
guide you, and
assess the
relative for psychological wounds (Lesson 1). If s/he seems to be wounded,
follow these suggestions on how to relate effectively with Grown Wounded Children (GWCs);
choose an
attitude of respect and compassion for the wounded
relative, rather than scorn or blame. An inability to do this
suggests a
disabled true Self;
reaffirm your long-term
priorities and your
personal
rights - and acknowledge the
relative's equal rights;
read these articles on stepfamily
basics,
membership, and
identity. Then accept that
you all are a normal stepfamily, and that (the rejected
adult) is a normal stepparent;
accept that the stepparent is NOT
trying to compete with anyone or usurp a bioparent's role or
authority;
acknowledge that the relative's
rejection is confusing the child and putting her or him in the
middle of a stressful loyalty conflict;
More options...
sharpen your
understanding of healthy and
incomplete
grief, and assess the hostile person for
symptoms. If you find some, review
this article and your
Lesson 3 options.
Honesty evaluate if the
stepparent's style of child discipline is too authoritarian, rigid,
and punitive. If so, assess whether the relative is rejecting this
style rather than the stepparent as a person. All of you read
and discuss
this article on effective discipline, for awareness and options.
in
age-appropriate language, describe honestly what you're doing and why to any
child/ren in the middle of the conflict, and to any supporters. Help kids
accept this is an adult problem, and tell them clearly what you need without
criticizing their other parent or relative. Ask each child what changes s/he
needs, and do
hearing checks!;
enforce any
boundaries and consequences you assert
with the relative promptly and respectfully, and intentionally avoid new
persecutor-victim-rescuer
triangles.
If these
options don't reduce the conflict well
enough, consider using
qualified professional
help.
assess whether any of these
barriers are promoting the conflict, and if so, work patiently to reduce them;
get clear on the concepts of
values and
loyalty conflicts and
relationship
triangles, and reaffirm or
clarify their strategies for managing each of them;
And family adults can...
stays aware of what each of their
minor kids need, and
negotiate which co-parent is responsible for helping to fill what needs. Then...
identify what
unfilled
primary needs are causing the surface "parenting argument," and
agree on the difference between
fighting, arguing, debating, and
win-win problem-solving;
If these don't
help resolve the conflict, look for deeper personal or rre/marital problems (unfilled
needs) - including the possibility one or both partners made up to three wrong
re/marital choices.
Q17) An authority I respect
says in a conflict, (a) a re/married bioparent should put their child's needs
ahead of their partner's needs, and that (b) the stepparent should accept this.
Is this valid?
No. After
36 years' study of typical U.S. stepfamilies,
I believe such well-meant advice
is often harmful.Common
surface reasons
for millions of re/divorces are...
a stepparent wearying of feeling too
discounted and losing hope their mate
will change; and/or
a bioparent wearying of feeling relentlessly caught "in
the middle" of stressful
loyalty conflicts, and seeing no hope of change.
The underlyingprimary reasons for this are
often that one or both
partners made unwise
re/marital decisions, and weren't aware of how to
protect against these
five unavoidable
hazards.
What
seems to work best for everyone long-term (when no compromises appear), is re/married co-parents agreeing to put their
integrities and
wholistic health first, their
relationship second, and everything else third, except in emergencies.
Paradoxically, this scheme puts dependent kids' welfare first
by protecting them from stepfamily break-up.
Do
the stepparents in your family feel valued and included enough often enough to
their mates? Do you all have an effective strategy to avoid or
resolve loyalty
conflicts yet? If not, what's in the way?
more alien family
roles to
define and stabilize
(up to 30, vs. 15 in typical biofamilies),
a higher chance that co-parents and some kids have significant
psychological
wounds, and...
less effective social
support.
Result:
typical stepfamilies
are at significant risk of escalating stress and psychological or legal
re/divorce.
Therefore, they need thoughtful mission statements and related co-parent job
descriptions to help overcome these and
five underlying hazards.
The
recent U.S. first-divorce rate (~45-50%) suggests most biofamilies need
these too! Unless co-parents are aware of the [wounds +
unawareness]
cycle, mission
statements and job descriptions usually aren't enough to protect them
and their minor kids from ongoing stress, heartache, and more losses.
Q19)(a) What is
effective
child
discipline, and (b) what if divorcing or re/married co-parents can't agree on disciplinary rules and
consequences in and between a minor child's two homes?
If these don't promote stable, acceptable compromises, discuss this
article on discovering primary
needs, and suspect that the conflicted adults have unresolved
relationship
barriers (Lesson 4).
Q21)
One or more of our co-parents
doesn't care - or vehemently denies - that we're a stepfamily. If this
is a significant problem,
what can we do about it?
Typical
multi-home stepfamilies differ structurally and dynamically from intact
biofamilies in
over
60 ways! One result is that familiar norms and
rules that work well enough in biofamilies often don't fill the
primary and
special needs of stepfamily
mates and
kids well enough.
If one or more of
your stepfamily adults ignores or denies your stepfamily
identity, that
puts them at high risk of (a) holding
unrealistic expectations of themselves and
the rest of you, and (b) rejecting one or more people from full stepfamily
membership. That promotes ongoing
stress and conflict, and hinders reducing co-parenting
barriers and growing healthy
bonds among you all.
See this Lesson-7
article and
example for more perspective
and options.
Q22)
How can co-parents best prepare
themselves and dependent kids for the
re/marriage or re/divorce of a
bioparent (ex mate)?
Typical co-parents can prepare by...
expecting significant
changes in family
routines, roles, and relationships; and agreeing on how to manage
them together over time (see Q17);
helping kids understand what these
changes will mean to everyone, and inviting their questions and
reactions;
being alert to losses (broken bonds),
and helping each affected
child and adult grieve them well over time (Lesson 5);
redraw and discuss your
multi-generational stepfamily
map ("genogram") to redefine
who comprises the family now;
revising their co-parenting
job descriptions (responsibilities) as appropriate;
be alert for any family
membership and
loyalty conflicts
that may result from the re/marriage or re/divorce, and proactively resolve them together; and...
refresh everyone on your stepfamily's
mission statement and invite any new people to adopt it;
Q23)
How can co-parents best prepare
themselves and dependent kids for the conception and birth of a
new ("ours")
child?
Ideally, courting partners will discuss whether or not to conceive kids
together before they exchange vows. Compared to average
biofamilies, more people and relationships are affected by a new child
in a stepfamily - i.e. there is a higher risk of significant conflict
and stress.
So couples need to carefully (a) deliberate the pros and cons of
conceiving an "ours" child in their unique family system, and (b)
consider each child's and relative's reaction to the possibility. The
riskiest decision is to "surprise" everyone with a new child and expect
joy and approval from everyone, as in a healthy biofamily.
Psycholotically-wounded, unaware co-parents and relatives can hope (unrealistically)
that a child conception will heal a decaying re/marriage and/or
magically make a stressful stepfamily into a "regular" (bio)family.
For practical ways to evaluate
the pros and cons of having an "ours" child, read and discuss
this article.
Q24)
How can co-parents best prepare
themselves and dependent kids for a child
changing custodial homes or moving
out for good?
In roughly 30% of U.S. stepfamilies, one or more minor kids change custodial
homes. These changes can be well planned or sudden, and
harmonious or conflictual. Most state laws decree that a child can't
decide which home they live in until they reach a certain age - often 14.
Because this shift changes the stepfamily's basic
structure, it's best to
plan for the
changes in and between both homes well
in advance - including identifying
losses and starting to
grieve them (Lesson 3). When custody changes are
imposed by one co-parent or forced through legal
decree, resulting
conflicts and
relationship
triangles can
stress everyone for months
or years. For perspective and suggestions, see these articles on
child custody and
changing
homes.
Q25)Is it better to keep biological
siblings
living together, rather than splitting physical custody between bioparents?
Every stepfamily is unique in composition, history,
developmental stage, and
structure, so
it's hard to generalize about pros and
cons of keeping biological (and/or step) siblings together. Perhaps the
best way to decide is for all affected co-parents to adopt a long-range view
(e.g. 15-25 years), and discuss "What custody arrangement is best for our
marriage/s?"
This
builds on the premise that what's best for each
sibling long-term is to avoid re/divorce trauma, regardless of who lives
where, with whom. It's useful for all co-parents to cooperatively review each
sibling's status with their
developmental and family-adjustment needs, as input to a complex
custody-splitting decision.
A common
alternative is for adults to overfocus on the short-range feelings and welfare
of each sibling, and get tangled in a welter of
loyalty conflicts and relationship
triangles over
visitations, clothing, finances,
schooling, insurance, health, and legal parenting agreements.
This
usually suggests that (a) one or more co-parents bear significant
psychological
wounds, (b) the adults haven't overcome their teamwork
barriers yet, and
(c) they can't
problem-solve effectively. In such cases, arguing over custody
arrangements and sibling bonds (surface issues) distracts from resolving these deeper problems.
Q27)
Is there a best way to resolve
co-parent
disputes over financial child support, including insurance
coverages and wills?
Conflicts over money are common
in typical
divorcing families
and stepfamilies. In every case, "money" is
not the
primary
problem. If you have a family "money" dispute,
dig down to discover who
really
needs what, and what's interfering. For
perspective and specific options, read this.
Each of
these can be improved over time using the self-improvement
Lessons in this nonprofit
Web site. For more perspective see these articles on child visitations and child custody.
Q29)
What if a minor child
resists visiting
their noncustodial parent's home?
The "resistance" is probably caused by one or more of these primary problems:
the adults in one or both homes are
Grown Wounded Children (GWCs) in denial (Lesson 1). If so, the ex mates have not resolved their
mix of these common
barrers;
the adults can't
communicate and
problem-solve effectively among themselves or with the child - (Lesson 2).
This usually means they haven't evolved effective
strategies to avoid or resolve
values and
loyalty conflicts and relationship
triangles; and/or...;
one or more adults or kids hasn't progressed
far enough in
grieving up to four sets of major
losses; (Lesson 3) and/or...
the adults aren't aware of the child's
special needs, and/or
aren't filling those needs effectively together;
(Lesson 6); and/or...
something about the
visitation
process and/or the dynamics in
the receiving home causes the child major discomfort, and
s/he feels helpless to articulate or change that; and/or...
the co-parents are following
misguided or harmful stepfamily advice; and/or...
the "visitation problem" is a red herring to
distract everyone from admitting more serious problems like
psychologically-unfinished divorces,
infidelity, depression, addiction, crime,
incest, abuse, or a dying marriage.
Bottom line: the "visitation
resistance" is usually not
the real problem! For more perspective see this
article.
Q31)
Is there a best way for co-parents
to handle
sexual attraction between a stepparent and stepchild? Between
stepsiblings?
Because typical
stepparents, stepkids, and stepsiblings didn't grow up with each other, the
incest taboo is usually significantly weaker among them than in healthy intact
biofamilies. The odds of prior sexual abuse and
dysfunction also may be higher in typical stepfamilies.
See the links from
this article to learn options toward reacting
to inappropriate sexual feelings or actions in and between your stepfamily
homes.
Q32)
How should co-parents handle a
co-grandparent or other relative clearly
treating their biograndkids better
than their step-grandkids?
When
such favoritism occurs, co-parents have powerful options like these:
Help each other
put your
true Selves (capital "S") in
charge of your
personalities via
Lesson 1 or equivalent. Then assess the
"unfair" relative/s for psychological
wounds. If you suspect significant wounds,
consider options like
these;
and...
Learn and practice
effective-communication basics and
skills
via
Lesson 2 - specially
digging down to identify and focus on
primary problems like
these;
Check to see if the relative/s have accepted
your stepfamily
identity and what it
means. If
they haven't,
read this and confront them
respectfully on their denial;
Assess the relative/s (or you all) for
incomplete grief and
unresolved
divorce-related
guilt. If you find those,
refocus from the "unfairness" issue to resolving these first;
Check to see if you co-parents are clear on,
and have effective strategies for avoiding and resolving,
values and
loyalty conflicts and associated
relationship
trangles;
More options...
See if any of these common
relationship
barriers are
contributing to the "unfairness problem;" If so, read and discuss
the options in this article.
Alert all your adults and supporters
to the lethal [wounds unawareness]
cycle,and
discuss ways of protecting your youngsters from inheriting it.
Invite
the "unfair" (or all) relative/s to learn typical
stepkids'
developmental and family-adjustment needs, and ask their help in
filling them over time;
Co-parents clarify and affirm your (a) personal
rights
and (b) shared short and long-term
priorities and stepfamily
goals. If none of the above reduce the
secondary "unfairness" problem, then evolve clear behavioral
boundaries and
assert and enforce themrespectfully with the appropriate relatives. And...
Within age-appropriate limits, keep your
kids informed on what you're doing here and why. Tell them that
this loyalty conflict and related
triangles are
adult problems to fix, not theirs.
Option:
invite and coach each "second-class" stepchild to
tell the relative/s
respectfully
how the latter's behavior affects them. This is not about guilt or blame,
it's about
awareness
and
empathy-building! Finally...
Family adults and supporters need to
understand each of these factors and evolve a cooperative strategy for identifying
and resolving them one at a time - as teammates. This online
course shows how to do this. For perspective and options on "good enough"
stepfamily holidays, read
and discuss this
article.
Q34)
Are there any practical guidelines for co-parents to manage major disputes over
religion, race,
or sexual preference?
Typicalstepfamily members are more likely to differ in race, religion, or ethnic heritage than average
intact biofamilies. This is a chance to enrich everyone - and also can cause
significant
conflicts in and between
members and homes. Conflicts are
specially likely where co-parents' ancestors grew up in
low-nurturance environments.
The real issues under such conflicts are psychological wounds, an inability
to problem-solve, values conflicts, and disrespect. Study and discuss these articles on
ways co-parent partners can confront
sexual-preference and other
prejudices
effectively.
The Web address of this
article is https://sfhelp.org/parent/divorce/qa.htm
