Lesson 7 of 7 - evolve a high-nurturance stepfamily
	If an Inactive Ex Mate Becomes an Active Co-parent Options for Adapting By Peter K. Gerlach, MSW Member NSRC Experts Council

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The Web address of this article is https://sfhelp.org/sf/co/reappear.htm

Updated  07/16/2015

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      This is one of a series of lesson-7 articles on how to evolve a high-nurturance (functional) stepfamily. These articles augment, vs. replace, other qualified professional help. The "/" in re/marriage and re/divorce notes that it may be a stepparent's first union. "Co-parents" means both bioparents, or any of the three or more related stepparents and bioparents co-managing a multi-home nuclear stepfamily. 

      The article assumes you're familiar with...

the intro to this nonprofit Website; and the premises underlying it  self-improvement Lessons 1 thru 7, part1; options for improving relations between typical ex mates; Q&A about ex-mate relations. and... how to analyze and resolve most relationship problems

What's the Problem?

      About 90% of U.S. stepfamilies start when a divorced (vs. widowed) parent commits to a new partner. For various reasons, the noncustodial bioparent can end contact with their child/ren. Months or years later, s/he can reappear in their lives by phone or in person.

      The custodial adults and kids are then confronted by many simultaneous changes, as the bioparent asks or demands to be included in child visitations and family decisions and functions. The emotional, logistic, role, relationship, and financial changes this causes throughout the whole stepfamily can be significant - specially if they're unexpected. 

      If this is happening in your stepfamily now (or it may), how can you co-parents manage such changes and minimize role and relationship conflicts? This article hilights common "ex-mate inclusion" problems, and explores options for coping with them.

 Perspective

      One factor that affects your family's nurturance level is how effectively your adults manage major changes like births, deaths, geographic moves, kids leaving home, adoptions, retirements, and parental separation and divorce.  

      Some years ago, family-wellness expert John Bradshaw showed TV viewers how members of a family system are connected like parts of a mobile. When he moved one part of the mobile, all the other parts began to gyrate, and then gradually resumed their stable balance.

      The relationships that connect the members of your multi-generational stepfamily have many facets - emotions, needs, expectations, memories, legal responsibilities, ancestral and social customs, and genes. One of the strongest facets is (usually) the primal bond between parents and their children.

      The stresses leading to parental separation and divorce upset the balance of most multi-generational biofamilies. Emotions flare and surge for years, as all affected adults and kids struggle to accept their losses, adjust to new realities and roles, and resume personal and relationship stability and growth.

      Some separated biofamilies must adapt to a non-custodial parent choosing to have little or no contact with their kids. Many factors affect what causes this "disinterest," and how well and how fast other family members adapt to it.

      Minor American kids of divorce usually stay with their biomom, and their dad leaves. An exception is when a mother or the law feels she can't provide adequate child care - e.g. if she's addicted to something, physically or mentally handicapped, impoverished, and/or is abusive and/or neglectful (psychologically wounded).

      This article focuses on situations where one parent (often the father) leaves, is relatively uninvolved with his or her kids, and then reappears later to resume an active caregiving role. The parent may reappear alone or with a new partner and (step)kids. S/He may appear while geographically distant (by phone or email), or after moving to live nearby.

      If several years have passed since separation, the custodial-family system may have stabilized after many changes from parental separation and divorce. For majorly-disturbed biofamilies, stabilizing may take over a decade - or may never happen.

      Though your family situation is unique, knowing some universal themes to this "reappearing bioparent" situation can help your co-parents stay emotionally balanced and nurturing enough while your stepfamily re/stabilizes.

 Common Surface Problems

      If an inactive noncustodial bioparent reappears, the general task for co-parents and grandparents is to manage change effectively. That means...

• keeping your long term personal and family goals and priorities clear, and...

• focusing on filling your and your kids' primary needs well enough while...

• adapting to your new realities (changes)."

      Adapting means adjusting and stabilizing the identity, membership, roles, rules, and rituals of your multi-generational family to fit everyone's primary short and long-term needs together. No small task!

      In accomplishing this, your kids need you co-parents to...

      Identify any significant barriers to co-parental teamwork, and commit to reducing them for everyone's benefit;

      Each adult (including relatives) reaffirm their personal and family goals and priorities, so you know where you want to end up together after stabilizing; and you all need to... 

      Adjust everyone's roles (who's responsible for what in our family) and rules (how do we each do our roles) to a stable-enough balance, and resolve inevitable membership, values, and loyalty conflicts and relationship triangles as you do; and...

      Adults need to help each other and each child...

• free and continue any blocked grief for prior losses,

• grieve your many new losses (broken bonds), and...

• clarify and accept your revised family boundaries, attitudes, and resources; and...

      Seek and use competent supports as you work on all these complex tasks together and the environment ceaselessly changes around you.

      Can you think of other major tasks co-parents and kids confront when an inactive bioparent reappears - with or without a new partner and stepkids?

      Some family adults may ignore or deny these tasks. Then  everyone, including your kids, must sort out their feelings and needs and fill them on their own. This detached, passive attitude is typical of significantly- wounded co-parents and low-nurturance (dysfunctional) homes and families.

      Once you mates say "OK, we are in charge of completing these five change-management projects," what are your best choices? Use the following menu to see what you've already done and what needs further effort.

  Options

      Acknowledge together that - whether you want to or not, each of your kids and caregivers will have to change some important things before you all restabilize. Often, change means lose. Stressful alternatives are to deny, minimize, or intellectualize this.

      Help each other view your situation as an opportunity for long-term healing and good, rather than as short term conflict, threat, and upset. Your losses open the door to nourishing new bonds and beginnings!

      Reconsider whether all you co-parents now solidly accept your identity as a normal stepfamily, and understand clearly what that means. One meaning is that the co-parent who just "re-activated" and all people genetically and legally related to him or her are legitimate members of your multigenerational ("extended") stepfamily.

      One implication is that the returning bioparent has a legitimate right to seek full acceptance by all your adults and kids. If any of your family members are ambivalent or opposed to this inclusion, you will experience escalating waves of loyalty, priority, and membership conflicts and relationship triangles. These will significantly lower your stepfamily's nurturance level. 

      To qualify for family inclusion, part of this bioparent's responsibility is to honestly admit their past behaviors - including emotional and perhaps financial withdrawal from their kids. Your option is to understand why they did that and the results of it, rather than judge them as "irresponsible," "selfish," and/or "uncaring."

      Ths YouTube video offers suggestions for improving ex-mate relations. The video mentions eight lessons in this self-improvement Web site - I've simplified that to seven.

      Another basic move you adults can make as your "new" co-parent  re-emerges is to refresh what you know about resolving personal conflict effectively. If you're not clear on this, you have a great opportunity to learn more! Some keys:

Conflicts are normal and inevitable. They invite growth, and occur internally and interpersonally when two or more primary needs clash. 

Help each other to separate your innerpersonal and interpersonal conflicts (need-clashes) and resolve your internal disputes first.

Acknowledge that how you act to resolve your conflicts is just as important as the solutions you try. Help each other become fluent with these seven Lesson-2 skills and communication tools to help resolve any family disputes effectively. And...

Help each other remember that it's normal to have many concurrent conflicts in and between you people and your homes. So stability will return faster if you all sort them out and agree to focus on one conflict at a time.

Study, discuss, and apply the learnings in co-parent Lesson 2 - and invite your new co-parent and their partner to join you when they're ready to.

      All you co-parents refresh yourselves on Lesson 3 - promoting healthy grieving. Expect each of your adults and kids re-experiencing old divorce-related losses, and experiencing new losses from changes caused by the returning bioparent. Making time to discuss and clarify your household and stepfamily policies about "good grief" will lower family stress in the long run.

      Survivors of low childhood nurturance often have trouble grieving well, and don't know that. Chronic or situational "depression" and "perpetual anger" can indicate unfinished mourning. That usually signals serious psychological wounds. Once acknowledged, they can be reduced!

      A final change-management choice you can make is to...

      Review your stepfamily mission statement and these wise guidelines. If appropriate, give copies to your new co-parent and discuss them.

      Premise - each of your adults and kids has equal human rights and unique responsibilities in your stepfamily. Do you agree? Fully accepting this premise can help your adults keep the vital mutual-respect attitude that's essential for genuine forgiveness and lasting conflict resolution.

 Recap

      For various reasons, one divorced parent can stop regular (or any) contact with their biokids and ex mate. Later, they may reappear and ask or demand to resume active parenting and family inclusion.

      This usually causes significant changes and losses in the family system. This article offers perspective on this family dynamic and specific ways your adults can help each other manage these changes effectively to regain stability in and between your homes.

      Pause, breathe, and reflect - why did you read this article? Did you get what you needed? If not, what do you need? Who's answering these questions - your true Self, or ''someone else''?

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