BREAK THE CYCLE, Lesson 1 - sfhelp.org

Parts-work Strategies, continued (page 3 of 4)

COMPULSIVE LYING

      Use this parts-work strategy if you can't stop distorting or omitting the truth with some or all people.

      One of six psychological wounds caused by early-childhood trauma is reality distortion - not seeing the world as it really is. All these wounds, are caused by a combination of Guardian and Inner-child subselves who are trying to survive.

      "Lying" is distorting or omitting information intentionally or unconsciously. It's caused by a Scared Inner Child living in the past, and one or more Protective Guardian subselves who don't trust your true Self.. This strategy offers a way to reduce both stressors. Compulsive lying usually activates the Inner Critic, which stresses Shamed and Guilty Inner Kids.

Strategy Goals - Become aware of compulsive lying, and learn how to tell when it's safe to tell the truth,

__  Vividly imagine how your life could be if you're able to stop compulsive dishonesty. Use your image to motivate your work on this parts-work strategy.

__  Read this whole strategy first, to get the big picture. Watch for your Procrastinator, Skeptic, and/or Saboteur trying to block or delay your using this strategy. Work with them to relax and observe as your Self carries out these steps.

__  Continue working to free your true Self to guide you._ Review the overview of parts work on p. 1. _ Is your Self guiding you now? If not - who is?

__  Adopt a long-range, patient point of view, rather than expecting quick changes. Helpful mottos: "A day at a time"  and "Progress, not perfection."

__  View this brief YouTube video on "pathological liars."

__  Implement these strategies on improving trust and reducing reality distortion  The latter is useful if you lie to yourself (e.g. by denial, exaggerations, delusions, and psychoses),  

__  Meditate on this article on honesty

__  If you haven't worked with your Nurturer (Good Parent) subself, before, establish contact with it now. Clarify what this Manager subself exists to do. If you don't have a Nurturer, watch for chances to reassign another Guardian subself to this vital inner-family role.

__  Befriend your Scared Child  subself, and learn what - specifically - s/he fears. _ Introduce your Child to your Nurturer and/or your Guardian Angel, and _ bring this Child to live comfortably in the present with your other subselves.

      If this (or another) Child remembers a major early-childhood (real life) trauma, consider redoing it when the time seems right.

__  Befriend your Liar/Con (Deceiver) Guardian subself

_ Learn what s/he is trying to, do and _ why (which Inner Child/ren is s/he protecting?).

_ If this subself lives in thee past, invite it to tour and come to live in the present time,

_ Confirm that your Liar/Con doesn't trust your true Self to keep your Inner Kids safe. If so, _ negotiate and build this trust, so the Liar can relax and stop taking you over (blending).

_ Retrain this subself and/or reassign it to a new inner-family role.

__  Befriend your Catastrophizer and Worrier (Guardian) subselves, and learn whether either of them fears that telling the truth in some circumstances would cause some Inner Child/ren pain. If so...

_ If this subself lives in the past, invite it to tour and come to live in the present time,

_  Identify and work with each Inner Child this Guardian is protecting. Introduce each Child to your Nurturer, and bring her or him to live in the present with you.

_ Ask if this subself trusts your true Self to keep your Inner Kids safe. If not, _ negotiate and build this trust, so this Guardian can relax and stop taking you over.

__  Review the goals of this strategy (above) and the steps comprising it. Use this strategy as a flexible framework, not a rigid "cookbook." Use your Creative subself to edit these steps and add others that occur to you.

__  Reflect on and enjoy your increasing ability to cause permanent positive changes in your subselves and your personality!

__  Consider _ using a veteran parts-work (IFS) therapist to help with this strategy, and/or _ starting or  joining a group of people interested in benefiting from parts work

      Stay aware that the overarching goal of parts work is to harmonize your inner family and free your true Self to guide you in all situations.

This strategy was very helpful  somewhat helpful  not helpful    

strategy index
 

LOW SELF ESTEEM (SHAME)

      Use this parts-work strategy if you feel little self-worth, unlovable, flawed, and "no good.".

      Shame is a widespread psychological wound from early-childhood neglect, abandonment, and abuse  Normal shame helps us regulate our behavior. Excessive shame cripples us and hinders achievements and healthy relationships. The alternative to this wound is healthy pride and non-egotistical self-love

      This wound is caused by a Shamed Inner Child living in the past + well-intentioned Inner Critic and Perfectionist subselves, + often, a toxic social environment.

Strategy Goal - permanently raise your self-esteem, self respect, and self love without guilt or anxiety.

__  Vividly imagine how your life could be if you're able to feel genuine non-egotistical pride and self respect in all situations. Use your image to motivate your progress with this parts-work strategy

__  Read this whole strategy first, to get the big picture. Watch for your Procrastinator, Skeptic, and/or Saboteur trying to block or delay your using the strategy. Ask them to trust this process, relax, and observe as your Self carries out these steps.

__  Patiently _ work to free your true Self to guide you, and _ review the overview of parts work on p. 1. Is your Self guiding you now? If not - who is?

__  Adopt a long-range, patient point of view, rather than expecting quick changes. Helpful mottos: "A day at a time"  and "Progress, not perfection."

__  View _ this brief YouTube video on "Do you love yourself? and _ this one on "increasing self-respect"

__  Read this perspective onthe wound of excessive shame

__  Read these articles on self respect and self love.

__  If you haven't worked with your Nurturer (Good Parent) subself, before, establish contact with it now. Clarify what this Manager subself exists to do. If you don't have a Nurturer, watch for chances to reassign another Guardian subself to this vital inner-family role.

__  Befriend your Shamed Child  subself,

_ Introduce him or her to your Nurturer and/or Guardian Angel,

_ Learn what year s/he thinks it is, and bring your Child to live comfortably in the present with your other subselves, Make sure s/he understands that the adults who shamed her in the past do not live with you now.

_ introduce your Shamed Child to your inner family at an inner council meeting.

_ Encourage your Child to tell you his/her story. If s/he remembers one or more major early-childhood shaming traumas, consider redoing each one when the time seems right.

__ If appropriate, do these steps with your Guilty Child. S/He may have been taught that "it's bad to think well of yourself." Retrain all your subselves to accept that self-respect and non-egotistical pride and self-love are healthy and OK.

__  Befriend your well-intentioned Inner Critic, Perfectionist, and Worrier Guardian parts. One at a time...

_ Make sure the subself lives in the present time, knows your current age (and wisdom), and that your childhood shamers are gone.

_ Make sure this subself _ knows all your Manager parts  - including your Spiritual One and Wise One - and that _ s/he understands their ability to reliably provide expert advice to your Self when making wise decisions.

_ Learn what the part is afraid would happen if s/he relaxed and trusted your Self and other Managers. if s/he fears s/he would no longer be needed, reassure the part s/he will always have an important role in your inner family;

_  If this part is using outdated or inaccurate beliefs from your childhood, identify that and retrain the part.

_ Reassure this part that your Shamed and Guilty Inner Kids are  safe in the present time under the steady. loving care of your Nurturer (and Guardian Angel?).

_ Negotiate to get this Guardian subself to trust your true Self and Managers, and to stop disabling your Self.

__  Learn how to...

_ be aware of your feelings'

_ spot people who disrespect (shame) you, and learn to...

_ identify your personal rights and needs, and to...

_ assert them respectfully and enforce any boundaries or consequences you set.

__  Review the goals of this strategy (above) and the steps comprising it. Use this strategy as a flexible framework, not a rigid "cookbook." Use your Creative subself to edit these steps and add others ones that occur to you.

__  Reflect on and enjoy your increasing ability to cause permanent positive changes in your subselves and your personality!

__  Consider _ using a veteran parts-work (IFS) therapist to help with this strategy, and/or _ starting or  joining a group of people interested in benefiting from parts work

      Stay aware that the overarching goal of parts work is to harmonize your inner family and free your true Self to guide you in all situations.

This strategy was very helpful  somewhat helpful  not helpful    

strategy index

 

NARCISSISM  (Narcissistic personality disorder, or NPD)

      Use this parts-work strategy if someone labels you as "Narcissistic."

      In  Greek mythology, Narcissus was a young man who fell in love with his reflection in a pool. So people who "are in love with themselves" have gained the disparaging label of "Narcissistic."

      Misinformed media and YouTube producers promote widespread mis-use of this label to include a wide range of egotistical, manipulative, controlling, aggressive, insensitive, and abusive social behaviors.

      Narcissistic symptoms are probably caused by several Inner Children and their Guardian subselves who distrust and disable your wise true self. Because these symptoms vary in nature and intensity from person to person, you'll probably have to tailor this strategy to fit your unique mix of subselves.

Strategy goals - _ clarify the true meaning of Narcissism, and _ work with your subselves to replace Narcissistic attitudes and behaviors with healthier ones. The overarching goal is to free your true Self to guide you in all situations.

__  Vividly imagine how your life could be if you're able to end your Narcissistic attitudes and behaviors (below). Refer to your image periodically to motivate your work on this parts-work strategy

_  Read this whole strategy first, to get the big picture. Watch for your Procrastinator, Skeptic, and/or Saboteur trying to block or delay your using this strategy. Work with them to relax and observe as your Self carries out these steps.

__  Review the overview of parts work on p. 1. Is your Self guiding you now? If not - who is?

__  Adopt a long-range, patient point of view, rather than expecting quick changes. Helpful mottos: "A day at a time"  and "Progress, not perfection."

__  If you're  a Grown Wounded Child (GWC), your Magician subself will probably try to persuade you that you're not "Narcissistic." To guard against this, work at this parts-work strategy to reduce reality distortion like denial.

__  Learn - search the Web for "Narcissism" and "Narcissistic personality disorder" and see what you get. Here's a sample.

__  List the "Narcissistic" traits you believe you have - e.g.

_ feeling superior to others without guilt,

_ feeling entitled to the best,

_ craving other people's attention and approval,

_ preoccupation with your appearance

_ being self-centered and selfish

_ not caring about other people's needs or feelings

_ manipulating others to get what you need or want

_ (Add your own symptoms)

Premise - each trait is caused by one or more Inner Kids and their Guardian subselves.

__  View this brief YouTube video on Narcissism and egotism

__  Complete your roster of subselves and group them as Inner Kids, Guardians, and Managers.

__  If you haven't worked with your Nurturer (Good Parent) subself, before, establish contact with it now. Clarify what this Manager subself exists to do. If you don't have a Nurturer, watch for chances to reassign another Guardian subself to this vital inner-family role.

__  Review your list of Inner Children, and estimate the developmental age of each one. See if you have any a self-centered Toddler and of these:

Shamed Child Hurt Child

Selfish Child Egotistical Child

Abandoned Child Bully

__ One at a rime, befriend each of these young personality parts. In particular, learn _ what they feel, _ what they need, _ how old they say they are, _ whether they live in the past, and _ whether they know and trust your Nurturer and true Self.

__  Review your Guardians.  See if you have a...

Narcissist/Egotist Controller/ Manipulator

Numb-er (Anesthetist) Magician (distorter) Entitled One

Distracter Judge

__  Pick one of the Narcissistic traits you listed (above), and guesstimate which Kids and Guardians might cause it. For example, Being "self-centered, selfish, and egotistical" may be caused by your Shamed and Selfish Inner Kids, and your protective Egotist, Entitled One, and Magician Guardians - a mix of up to five subselves..

_ Work with each Inner Child. Introduce the Child to your Nurturer (and Guardian Angel?), _  bring the Child to live in the present, and _ invite her or him to trust that your Nurturer and other Managers - including your Self - will take reliable care of her or him. If the child recalls one or more specially-traumatizing events in your young life, _ consider a well-planned re-doing for each trauma.

_ Befriend each Guardian one at a time, _ bring it to live in the p\resent if needed, _ make sure it knows your real age and wisdom, and _ learn which Inner Child/ren this part is protecting.

_ Reassure the part those Kids are now being safely nurtured in the present, and work to get her or him to trust your true Self and stop disabling (blending with) it

_ Trust your intuition: be open to choosing different or additional Kids and Guardians than these five to reduce or end this "Narcissistic" symptom. Follow these same steps with each of the symptoms you identified at first, one at a time.

__  Review the goals of this strategy (above) and the steps comprising it. Use this strategy as a flexible framework, not a rigid "cookbook." Use your Creative (Manager) subself to edit these steps and add others that occur to you.

__  Reflect on and enjoy your increasing ability to cause permanent positive changes in your subselves and your personality!

__  Consider _ using a veteran parts-work (IFS) therapist to help with this strategy, and/or _ starting or  joining a group of people interested in benefiting from parts work

      Stay aware that the overarching goal of parts work is to harmonize your inner family and free your true Self to guide you in all situations.

This strategy was very helpful  somewhat helpful  not helpful    

strategy index

  OBSESSIONS and COMPULSIONS

      Use this parts-work strategy if you're stressed by recurring thoughts and/or actions that you can't control.

      An obsession is a recurring pattern of thoughts about a person, idea or thing which hinders normal social functioning. Obsessions range from mild to severe, situational to chronic, and trivial to dangerous. Codependence  is an obsession with another person (relationship addiction),

      A compulsion is a repetitive action that can't be controlled by will power - e.g. hand washing or nail biting. Compulsions are minor to major, and trivial to toxic (e.g. a substance addiction). "Habits" may be intentionally broken. Most compulsions cannot.

      People stressed with either or both of these conditions have been traditionally diagnosed as having "Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder", or "OCD." These traits are probably caused by psychological wounds from significant early-childhood trauma. That is, obsessions and compulsions are probably caused by personality subselves like the Addict or Obsesser who distrust and disable the wise, resident true Self

Strategy goal - Permanently stop obsessions or compulsive behaviors that stress you, using education and parts work

__  Vividly imagine how your life could be if you're able to stop obsessing and acting compulsively. Use your image periodically to motivate you to do this parts-work strategy.

_  Read this whole strategy first, to get the big picture. Watch for your Procrastinator, Skeptic, and/or Saboteur trying to block or delay your using this strategy. Work with them to relax and observe as your Self carries out these steps.

__  Continue working to free your true Self to guide you. _ Review the overview of parts work on p. 1. Is your Self guiding you now? If not - who is?

__  Adopt a long-range, patient point of view, rather than expecting quick changes. Helpful mottos: "A day at a time"  and "Progress, not perfection."

__  Learn - search the Web for "obsession," "compulsion," and "OCD."' Here's a sample from Wikipedia. Don't expect to read anything about psychological wounds. subselves, or parts work. Compare what you find to what follows.

__  If you have a compulsion (uncontrollable actions), adapt this strategy for ending addictions to fit your situation. Other than codependence, typical  addictions (vs. cellular cravings) are compulsions.

__  If you have an obsession, define it as specifically as you can. Answer this: 'I can't stop thinking about _________________."

__  Decide if this obsession is situational (e.g. a new love, job, baby, or home, or a loss) or is it chronic ('I've always worried about evil spirits"). If it's situational, your obsession may be a normal part of healthy grief which will fade as you finish mourning. Options:

_ see this Q&A article and this quiz about losses and healthy mourning,

_ check for symptoms of unfinished grief

_ if needed, study Lesson 3 in this Web site to complete your grief.

_ see if your obsession fades. If it doesn't, do these steps:

__  If you haven't worked with your Nurturer (Good Parent) subself, before, establish contact with it now. Clarify what this Manager subself exists to do. If you don't have a Nurturer, watch for chances to reassign another Guardian subself to this vital inner-family role.

__  Try out the idea that your obsession is caused by a protective personality part. Add ''Obsesser'' to your list of Guardian subselves if you haven't done so already.

__  Befriend this subself. Learn _ what s/he feels responsible for,_ who s/he's protecting, _ what year s/he's living in, and _ whether s/he knows and trusts your true Self

 __  If your Obsesser identifies one or more inner Children that s/he's protecting (e.g. your Scared, Overwhelmed, and Shamed Kids): work patiently with each of them one at a time. "Work with" means...

 _ befriend the Child, and gain her/his trust (in your Self);

_ introduce the Child to your Nurturer and perhaps Guardian Angel;

_ bring them to live permanently in the present when they're ready,

_ introduce them to your inner family, and...

_ encourage the Child to trust that your true Self and other Manager subselves will steadily value and care for him or her and keep them safe.

 __ If needed, bring your Obsesser into the present, and teach it how wise your Self and other Managers have become since you were young.

__  Plan: define specifically how you' want your Obsesser to change. For example: (1) "advise me once - stop repeating yourself;"  and (2) "trust us  (your Self and Managers), and stop taking me over."

__  Negotiate: image your Obsesser, and use inner dialoging to request the changes you've defined. Expect resistance, and use respectful empathic listening  and reassertion to handle it. If you need to retrain or (eventually) reassign this valuable Guardian subself, follow your own wisdom.

__  One at a time, interview other key Guardians to see if they fear the Obsesser's changing is unsafe - e.g. your Blocker, Saboteur, Skeptic, Procrastinator, and Numb-er If they do, patiently repeat the steps above with each of them until they agree to try trusting your Self and other Managers to steadily keep your Inner Kids safe.

__  Compare what you just read with whatever information you had about "Obsessive/Compulsive" Disorder" (OCD)  Does it seem credible to you now that psychological '"disorders" are really symptoms of a disabled true Self?

__  Keep the distinction between compulsions and obsessions clear, so you can choose the most effective strategy for your unique situation.

__  Review the goals of this strategy (above) and the steps comprising it. Use this strategy as a flexible framework, not a rigid "cookbook," and use your Creative subself to edit these steps and add others ones that occur to you.

__  Reflect on and enjoy your increasing ability to cause permanent positive changes in your subselves and your personality!

__  Consider _ using a veteran parts-work (IFS) therapist to help with this strategy, and/or _ starting or  joining a group of people interested in benefiting from parts work.

      Stay aware that the overarching goal of parts work is to harmonize your inner family and free your true Self to guide you in all situations.

This strategy was very helpful  somewhat helpful  not helpful    

strategy index

 

OVER-ANALYZING and UNFEELING

      Use this parts-work strategy if you feel (or have been told) you're "too much in your head," in responding to people and situations.

      Adults and kids can be judged to lie somewhere on this continuum:

very emotional and expressive <-----> very unemotional and unexpressive

i.e.   very emotional <-----> very intellectual                

Effective social (vs. business) communication is a balance of thoughts and feelings.

 

      Some Grown Wounded Children (GWCs) feel and show little emotion in social interactions. This can leave other people confused and uneasy because they can't sense how you feel about them or yourself. Over-analytical people often have "flat" voices, shallow breathing, and "frozen" (expressionless) faces, and they treat highly-emotional situations 'coldly' and "intellectually."

      This condition is usually caused by several dominant Inner Kids and Guardian subselves who learned in early childhood that it was unsafe to feel and express normal emotions. The unsafety may come from fear of internal overwhelm, and/or fear of external criticism, punishment, scorn, or indifference. Some GWCs feel their emotions, but are uncomfortable expressing them appropriately.

Strategy goals - learn to feel comfortable feeling and expressing the full range of human emotions - i.e. learn to spontaneously balance thinking and feeling in all situations. Restated: give all your subselves a way to express themselves in social situations, instead of "stuffing" (repressing) their emotions.

__  Vividly imagine how your life could be if you're able to balance analyzing ("thinking") and feeling. Refer to your image periodically to motivate you to persist at this parts-work strategy.

__  For perspective, experiment with this parts-work strategy on "emotional unavailability". 

__  Review the goals of this strategy (above) and the steps comprising it. Use this strategy as a flexible framework, not a rigid "cookbook," Use your Creative subself to edit these steps and add others ones that occur to you.

__  Reflect on and enjoy your increasing ability to cause permanent positive changes in your subselves and your personality!

      Stay aware that the overarching goal of parts work is to harmonize your inner family and free your true Self to guide you in all situations.

This strategy was very helpful  somewhat helpful  not helpful    

strategy index

 

OVERCONTROL and MANIPULATION

      Use this parts-work strategy if you believe - or other people say - you strive to control social situations and try covertly get other people to do what you want.

      Some psychologically-wounded people feel anxious if they can't predict what's going to happen in a conversation, relationship, or group. One or more of their personality subselves try to control people and social dynamics to (1) avoid  stress, conflict, or overwhelm; and/or (2) fill needs covertly.

      By definition, these subselves distrust and disable the true Self. When exaggerated or chronic, controlling and manipulative behavior can significantly degrade relationships if the people involved aren't aware of it and can't problem-solve effectively.

Strategy goals - Become aware of overcontrolling, and use parts work to replace the compulsive need to control and manipulate other people with self-confidence, mutual respect, and effective communication skills.

__  Vividly imagine how your life could be if you stop overcontrolling and manipulating other people. Refer to your image periodically to motivate you to keep working at this parts-work strategy.

__  Read this whole strategy first, to get the big picture. Watch for your Procrastinator, Skeptic, and/or Saboteur trying to block or delay your using this strategy. Work with them to relax and observe as your Self carries out these steps.

__  Patiently work to free your true Self to guide you, and _ review the overview of parts work on p. 1. Is your Self guiding you now? If not - who is?

__  Adopt a long-range, patient point of view, rather than expecting quick changes. Helpful mottos: "A day at a time"  and "Progress, not perfection."

__  See if you have identified a Controller/Manipulator Guardian subself among your inner family of inner-family members. If not, consider adding this part to your team roster.

__  Validate this part. Get quiet, and ask inside if the part that wants to control people will give you (your Self) an image. Accept whatever comes into your mind. If you don't get an image, try these options. If you do get an image...

__  Befriend your Controller:  learn its name, age, residence, and purpose. Ask what year this part thinks it is, and if s/he is protecting one or more Inner Children, Ask if it trusts your true Self to keep you all safe from harm.

__  If you haven't worked with your Nurturer (Good Parent) subself, before, establish contact with it now. Clarify what this Manager subself exists to do. If you don't have a Nurturer, watch for chances to reassign another Guardian subself to this vital inner-family role.

__  Your Controller is probably trying to protect one or more Inner Kids  from stress, like your Toddler, Scared, Overwhelmed, Abandoned, and/or Shamed Ones. Befriend each of these (and others that the Controller may identify), and patiently work with each one.

__  Plan: define how - specifically - you want your Controller to change his or her behavior. The changes might look like these:

_ trust  that the (Inner Kids) you're protecting are each safely in the present, under the expert care of my Nurturer (and perhaps others).

_  stop taking me (your true Self) over and disabling me.

_ before you act to manipulate or control someone, check with me first. Then _ relax and trust me to handle the situation. Observe whether I keep (the Inner Kids) safe.

_  Stop using guilt, shame, threats, aggression, deceit, and sarcasm to get others to do what you want. Use respectful assertion instead.

_ If the Doubter, Worrier, or Catastrophizer (Guardians) try to get you to act, refer them to me (your Self).

__  When you're clear on the changes you want, use assertion and listening skills to negotiate the changes respectfully with the Controller.

__  If these steps are successful, consider reassigning your Controller to a new inner-family role.

__  Teach all your subselves _ to stay aware of the difference between requesting and demanding, and _ when each is appropriate.

__  Consider calling an inner-family council meeting to discuss these  changes and get suggestions.

__  Review the goals of this strategy (above) and the steps comprising it. Use this strategy as a flexible framework, not a rigid "cookbook." Use your Creative subself to edit these steps and add others ones that occur to you.

__  Reflect on and enjoy your increasing ability to cause permanent positive changes in your subselves and your personality!

__  Consider _ using a veteran parts-work (IFS) therapist to help with this strategy, and/or _ starting or  joining a group of people interested in benefiting from parts work

      Stay aware that the overarching goal of parts work is to harmonize your inner family and free your true Self to guide you in all situations.

This strategy was very helpful  somewhat helpful  not helpful    

strategy index

 

CHRONIC PESSIMISM and CYNICISM

      Use this parts-work strategy if you or others feel you're overly cynical and pessimistic ("too negative, glass-half-empty")

      Some survivors of early-childhood trauma have a chronically negative attitude about life. They habitually focus on faults, lacks, shortcomings, doubts, calamities, and failures. This causes relationship difficulties, scares Inner Kids, and can impair effective communication.

      This "negative" attitude is usually caused by protective Guardian subselves like the Pessimist, Cynic, Catastrophizer, Worrier, and Doubter. They distrust the true Self, and ceaselessly try to protect Inner Kids from disappointment, loss, and dashed hopes, and prepare them for the worst.

Strategy goal - get the "negative" subselves to trust and free your true Self, and maintain a balanced, realistic outlook on life.

__  Vividly imagine how your life could be if you're able to change chronic pessimism and cynicism into steady realism. Periodically use your image to  motivate your progress on this parts-work strategy.

__  Read this whole strategy first, to get the big picture. Watch for your Procrastinator, Skeptic, and/or Saboteur trying to block or delay your using this strategy. Work with them to relax and observe as your Self carries out these steps.

__  Patiently work to free your true Self to guide you, and _ review the overview of parts work on p. 1. Is your Self guiding you now? If not - who is?

__  Adopt a long-range, patient point of view, rather than expecting quick changes. Helpful mottos: "A day at a time"  and "Progress, not perfection."

__  If you haven't worked with your Nurturer (Good Parent) subself, before, establish contact with it now. Clarify what this Manager subself exists to do. If you don't have a Nurturer, watch for chances to reassign another Guardian subself to this vital inner-family role.

__  One at a time, interview your Pessimist,   Catastrophizer, Worrier and Cynic/Doubter. Seek to learn who creates your "negative thinking," and why. Try asking "What do you think would happen if you stopped giving me these (negative) thoughts and feelings?" If you get vague answers, use this dig-down technique to learn the core reason.

__  See if any of these Guardians identifies one or more Inner Kids that they're protecting. If so, work with each Child until they're safe in the present, under the loving care of your Nurturer. If the Guardians don't identify a specific Child, work with your Anxious / Scared Child anyway. Be alert for a Pessimistic and/or Hopeless Inner Child, too.

__  Plan: with each "negative" Guardian subself, mentally define specifically how you want them to change, just as you would a real person who was constantly pessimistic, gloomy, and cynical. Suggestions:

_ If you're worried about something, tell me (true Self) once, and then trust my response. Please don't nag.

_ See the opportunity to learn from typical problems;

_ Stay aware that over-focusing on negative things scares our Inner Kids - so don't do it.

_ Look for chances to encourage our subselves, rather than discouraging them. 

__ When all your Kids are safe in the present, negotiate with each "negative" Guardian to trust your Self and change their behavior. Get their agreement to make the changes you need and stop taking your Self over.

__  Call an inner council meeting to inform your team of any important changes you're making - e.g. "All our Kids are now living with us in the present."

__  Review the goals of this strategy (above) and the steps comprising it. Use this strategy as a flexible framework, not a rigid "cookbook." Use your Creative subself to edit these steps and add others ones that occur to you.

__  Reflect on and enjoy your increasing ability to cause permanent positive changes in your subselves and your personality!

__  Consider _ using a veteran parts-work (IFS) therapist to help with this strategy, and/or _ starting or  joining a group of people interested in benefiting from parts work

      Stay aware that the overarching goal of parts work is to harmonize your inner family and free your true Self to guide you in all situations.

This strategy was very helpful  somewhat helpful  not helpful    

strategy index

 

PROCRASTINATION

      Use this parts-work strategy if you often put off doing important tasks, and you feel frustrated or guilty about that.

      It's human nature to seek pleasure and avoid discomfort. Inevitably, some daily and special tasks or chores cause discomfort because they're difficult, time-consuming, risky, stressful, scary, overwhelming, confusing, conflictual, pointless, and/or boring. Can you think of any current tasks like this?

      Typical survivors of early-childhood trauma were never taught self-confidence, clear thinking, prioritizing, and problem-solving skill, so many are taken over by a well-intentioned Guardian subself called "the Procrastinator." S/He tries to protect Inner Kids by deferring and deflecting expected discomfort associated with some task.

      The Procrastinator can be assisted by your Pessimist ("You'll fail at this task!"), your Playful Child (who wants to have fun now!), and maybe by a  Distracter who seeks to have you focus on something other than the uncomfortable thoughts or tasks. These parts can activate your Inner Critic ("You're bad!") and your Magician, who invents persuasive reasons to justify avoiding the task.

Strategy goal - increase self-awareness of your subself dynamics, and reduce your procrastination and related stress to an acceptable level.

__  Vividly imagine how your life could be if you're able to stop putting off important tasks. Periodically, refer to this image to refresh your motivation to change.

__  Read this whole strategy first, to get the big picture. Watch for your Procrastinator, Skeptic, and/or Saboteur trying to block or delay your using this strategy. Work with them to relax and observe as your Self carries out these steps.

__  Patiently work to free your true Self to guide you, and _ review the overview of parts work on p. 1. Is your Self guiding you now? If not - who is?

__  Adopt a long-range, patient point of view, rather than expecting quick changes. Helpful mottos: "A day at a time"  and "Progress, not perfection."

__  Experiment with these options for improving self-confidence.

__  Befriend your Procrastinator. with an open mind, Learn _ what s/he is trying to do, _ why, (who is s/he protecting?), _ what year s/he is living in,  and _ whether s/he trusts your Self to lead.

__  One at a time, interview your Pessimist and Distracter subselves. Ask if they know your Procrastinator, and _ what they each think about her or his goals. (approve > disapprove > don't care).

__  Call a council meeting and teach all your subselves...

_ how and why to avoid black/white thinking (seeing only two solutions to a problem),

_ about surface and primary needs,

_ how to dig down to identify current primary needs, and,

_ how to do creative problem-solving (to complete a task)

_ the value of balancing work, play, and rest; and teach your subselves...

_  the value of imagining the positive benefits of completing an unpleasant task, vs. focusing on avoiding the unpleasantness,

__  If you haven't worked with your Nurturer (Good Parent) subself, before, establish contact with it now. Clarify what this Manager subself exists to do. If you don't have a Nurturer, watch for chances to reassign another Guardian subself to this vital inner-family role.

__  Work with any Inner Kids  that your Procrastinator, Pessimist, Magician, and Distracter are trying to protect - e.g. your Scared, Overwhelmed, Guilty, and Shamed kids. Connect each Child to your Nurturer, and bring them to the present time. Welcome them into your inner family. 

__  Plan: one at a time, decide specifically how you want your Procrastinator, Pessimist, Magician, and Distracter to change. They want to help, and need your Self to teach them better ways to do so. Then...

__  Negotiate with each of these well-intentioned Guardians and explain what specific changes you need them to make. Reassure each subself your Inner Kids are now safe, and work to increase their trust in your Self's leadership so they can stop disabling her or him.

__  If you find that your Procrastinator (function) isn't needed any more, reassign this valuable Guardian to a new inner-family role like "Empathizer," "Cheerleader," "Health Director," or "Peaceful Warrior."

__  If you continue to Procrastinate "too much," ask the part who is responsible to identify itself. Then creatively apply the steps above.

__  Call an inner council meeting to inform your team of any important changes you're making - e.g. "All our Kids are now living with us in the present," and "our Procrastinator has agreed to a new job."

__  Review the goals of this strategy (above) and the steps comprising it. Use this strategy as a flexible framework, not a rigid "cookbook," and use your Creative subself to edit these steps and add others ones that occur to you.

__  Reflect on and enjoy your increasing ability to cause permanent positive changes in your subselves and your personality!

__  Consider _ using a veteran parts-work (IFS) therapist to help with this strategy, and/or _ starting or  joining a group of people interested in benefiting from parts work

      Stay aware that the overarching goal of parts work is to harmonize your inner family and free your true Self to guide you in all situations.

This strategy was very helpful  somewhat helpful  not helpful    

strategy index

Concluded on p. 4