Lesson 6 of 8  - Learn what kids need and how to parent effectively

Worksheet: Should we
 Conceive a Child?

Choose the right time,
 for the right reasons

By Peter K. Gerlach, MSW

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  The Web address of this worksheet is https://sfhelp.org/parent/conception.htm

  If you're in a stepfamily - or may be - read this article instead.

        Clicking links below will open a full window or an informational popup, so please turn off your brow-ser's popup blocker or allow popups from this nonprofit Web site.

        This is one of a series  of articles in Lesson 6 - learn what typical kids need as they grow, and how to fill their needs effectively over two decades without neglecting yourself. Successfully implemen-ting the concepts in this Lesson depend on your integrating and practicing the ideas in the prior five lessons.

What's the Problem?

        Courting partners who are considering life-long commitment to each other must make three profoundly impactful personal decisions:

  • is this the right partner and family to commit to?

  • Is this the right time to commit? and...

  • Are we each committing for the right reasons?  

        The unremarked American divorce epidemic implies that over half of average U.S. mates in recent generations have not made these wise decisions. It also implies that our society passively accepts the uncountable costs of the divorce epidemic to our society and the next generations.

        Mates who have not thoroly researched these three questions are at potential risk of making more costly, unwise decisions - whether to conceive and/or raise one or more children together. Roughly 75% of typical U.S. couples choose to co-create one or more kids and take on the multi-decade responsibili-ty of preparing them well for independent young adulthood. 

        Headlines about school shootings, dropouts, teen abortions, suicides, drug usage, gang violence, runaways, widespread obesity, unplanned conceptions, depression, self mutilation, and juvenile crime suggest that millions of American couples conceive children before they're well-prepared to nurture them effectively over ~20 years. This research summary supports this premise. Such headlines also raise the question...

"Can adults who weren't nurtured well and educated properly by their (wounded,  unaware) parents make effective parents themselves?"

        My consistent experience as a professional family-systems therapist since 1981 suggests the answer is "Usually no." That's why this worksheet and related articles exists. It aims to help thoughtful couples research and answer the questions below.

  What is a "Wise Conception Decision"?

        Try thoughtfully answering that question out loud. Then compare your idea with this premise: A wise child-conception decision...

  • strengthens the parents' wholistic health, relationship, and family system for many decades;

  • results in a wholistically-healthy, stable, independent young woman or man who...

  • is able to make wise long-range courtship-commitment and child-conception decisions, and...

  • clearly enhances, rather than depletes, society.

        Note that this definition suggests the wisdom of a conception can't be fully evaluated for several decades. Reflect - does this definition describe you and your birth-parents? Your mate and his/her birth-parents? You and any dependent children? Your grandparents?

Requisites for Wise Conception Decisions

        Billions of words have been printed and spoken about how, when, and why couples should decide to procreate. This worksheet is not meant as a definitive answer to this complex question. It proposes some ideas that are seldom included in answering the questions wisely. See if you agree with them -
A =
agree; D = disagree, and ? = "I'm not sure," or "It depends on ___ (what?)"

__  Some times are better for making wise conception decisions than others.  (A  D  ?)

__  We each must understand and accept normal personality subselves. (A  D  ?)

__  We each must _ have come from a high-nurturance family, which _ wants to support       us as _ a couple and _ as parents (A  D  ?)

__  We each must _ have checked honestly for significant psychological wounds, and
     _ be motivated to help each other reduce any such wounds ("recover").   (A  D  ?) 

__  We each must be usually guided by our true Self, or be clearly progressing toward       that. (A  D  ?)

__  We each must honestly respect and love ourselves, as well as each other. (A  D  ?)

__  (add your own wise-decision requisites)

__ 

__ 

        Have you ever seen ideas like these in one place before? How do you feel about them individually and collectively? How many average parents and grandparents do you think could articulate - and live by - a list of conception-decision requisites like this? Can you?

        Now see how you feel about these two sets of criteria for deciding to conceive or adopt a child.

  Are We Ready to Have a Child?

        Use these items as thought-provokers and discussion-starters. Edit them as needed to best fit your personality and situation. Caution - if you're ruled by a well-meaning false self, you risk distorting your answers to these items. Do you know how to tell who's running your life?

A) Is This a Wise Time to Conceive or Adopt?

        Get undistracted, meditate, and see how many of these items you can check as being true now. If you're not sure, put "?". If an item is not true, leave it blank, or put "X". To avoid biasing your answers, I suggest you mates fill this worksheet out separately, and then compare and discuss your results.

__  1)  We each made three wise commitment choices to end our courtship.

__  2)  Each of us _ accepts the reality of personality subselves,and _ we are  proactive-                ly helping each other keep our true Selves in charge in calm and stressful times.

__  3)  People who know us well would agree that our primary relationship is _ stable           and _ mutually satisfying

__  4)  We're each _ clear on our own and _  our partner's life priorities, and _ they are              compatible (vs. conflictual).

__  5)  We have discussed and agreed that we can co-create and maintain a high-nurtur-          ance family environment for ourselves and any child/ren.  

__  6)  Each of us genuinely enjoys infants, preteens, and teens, despite the responsbili-          ties, frustrations, heartaches, and sacrifices we'll share if we conceive or adopt. 

__  7)  We each _ are reasonably wholistically healthy, and _ have many of these _                       traits and _  values, according to objective observers. 

__  8)  Each of us is free of harmful obsessions and compulsions like addictions, or -           we're clearly progressing toward stable, self-motivated sobriety

__  9)  We _ have been financially stable and self-supporting for several years, and _            see no reason that might change in the near future.

__  10)  My partner and I have begun to _ learn about and _ discuss these topics, inclu-            ding kids' normal _ developmental stages and _ tasks.

__  11)  We are helping each other learn how to _ identify, _ effectively assert, and to                      _ fill our primary needs - i.e. we're learning how to problem-solve effectively. 

__  12)  We're consciously evolving and using a healthy family grieving policy, and we're             proactively growing a pro-grief family

__  13)  We each want to break the [wounds + unawareness] cycle if our ancestors were             significantly affected by it. 

__  14)  We each have researched and discussed what significant lifestyle changes, gains,
            and losses to expect if we conceive or adopt and raise a child.

__  15)  We each want to research our family trees to see if we risk passing on any seri-            ous congenital diseases or conditions.

__  16)  We each are willing to ask knowledgeable others for parenting help, advice, and             encouragement if and when we feel confused or anxious about childcare.

__  17)  (Add your own criteria)

__  18) 

        Pause, breathe, and notice what you're thinking and feeling. What stands out for you about what you just read? Which of these items seem most important? The most difficult? Are you motivated to patiently learn and discuss the things that are new or specially relevant to you both?

        Even if you both have enough of the criteria above, you might choose to create or adopt a child for some unwise reasons. This is least likely if you mates are each solidly guided by your true Self.

B)  Do We Have the Right Reasons for Conceiving or Adopting?

        Check each of these reasons that apply to you and/or your partner, and then discuss your answers together as teammates.

__  1)  One or both of us needs to prove something to someone

__  2)  We need to give an existing child a sibling

__  3)  We need to obey God's command to multiply

__  4)  We need to beat the conception clock

__  5)  We need to share the life experience of creating and/or raising a child

__  6)  We need to feel socially "normal"

__  7)  We need to give your and/or my parents a(nother) grandchild

__  8)  We need to carry on the family name and genes

__  9)  We need to do what's expected of us (by whom?)

__ 10)  One or both of us needs to carry on a family tradition

__  11)  We need to strengthen our relationship by having and/or raising a child

__  12)  One or both of us needs a life purpose / reason for being

__  13)  We need to create an heir to someone's estate, and/or a tax deduction

__  14)  We want to give a neglected child a good home

__  15)  One or both of us is strongly against abortion and/or adopting out

__  16)  (Your reasons...)

__  17)

        Pause, breathe and notice your thoughts and feelings. Option - journal about filling out this worksheet while your reactions are fresh.

Note - there are many points of view about the "right" reasons to conceive or  adopt a child. The rea-sons with italic numbers above are unwise in my opinion (are apt to cause significant future personal and couple stress), and are often signs of false-self wounds and unawareness.

Recap

     This worksheet exists because of epidemic U.S. personal and social problems caused by unqualified child conceptions and ineffective co-parenting. These result from - and cause - the public's tolerance for the unseen [wounds + unawareness] cycle which stresses most Americans and their families.

        The worksheet and linked articles offer committed adult couples a way to assess whether they're well-prepared to conceive or adopt and raise a child together. The worksheet starts by defining (a) the problem, and (b) a "wise child-conception" decision." Then it proposes specific requisites couples must have to evaluate the short and long-term pros and cons of conception or adoption wisely.

        Premises underlying this worksheet are that (a) there is a wise time to conceive or adopt, and (b) wise (vs. unhealthy) reasons to do so. Another premise is that for best long-term odds of healthy con-ception and/or adoption decisions, couples need to have made three wise commitment decisions first, with their true Selves guiding them each.

        This Lesson 7 worksheet complements three others designed to help average couples make wise courtship decisions before committing to each other (Project 7 in this Web site). This article offers addi-tional perspective for stepfamily couples considering making or adopting an "ours child." 

+ + +

        Pause, breathe, and reflect - why did you read this article? Did you get what you needed? If not, what do you need? Who's answering these questions - your true Self, or "someone else."?

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Created September 04, 2010