Perspective
This
checklist is one several articles to help courting
couples make three wise commitment choi-ces.
Based on 29 years'
clinical research with over 1,000 typical Midwestern-US women and men, it
sug-gests 15 signs that partners risk future divorce.
My research suggests that
at least 80% of typical
American adults bear up to six psychological
from a
childhood. One wound is
significant
- unconsciously denying, minimizing,
idealizing, repressing, and/or projecting painful realities.
If you're
significantly wounded, (a) you probably won’t (want to) know it,
and (b) you're at major risk of discounting or ignoring the courtship danger signs
below. So before using this checklist, fill out this wound-assessment
worksheet.
Breathe well, and notice your thoughts and feelings now.
Do you have
that your
true Self
(capital "S") is
the other
parts of your
now?
I suggest you fill this checklist out by yourself, not with your partner,
to avoid hedging your answers. Ask your partner to do the checklist, and
discuss your results.
Courtship Danger Signs
The more of these signs that seem true about you and/or your partner,
the more you risk justifying
unwise commitment choices. Take at least 30" of undistracted time to
think about these items. As you do, notice your emotions - they point to what you
I / you
__ __ 1)
feel reluctant to honestly
for false-self
and/or
the assess-ment
results. There
are at least six significant
of
these wounds.
__ __ 2)
feel disinterested
in or impatient with studying and discussing (at least)
here. Common (false self)
rationales: "Too complicated!" / "B-o-r-i-n-g!" / "Doesn't apply to us!"
/ "Way too psychological" / "I'm just not a reader." / "Too gloomy
and negative!" / "Holy Scripture (or love) is all we
need." / "No one else is studying these Lessons." / "Our
pre-marital screening course / minister / friends / say we're meant for
each other!" / "We'll get to it after we ______."
|
Note - reputable couple-evaluation services like
Prepare-Enrich, FOCCUS, and the Relate Insti-tute do not
(a) teach couples about the lethal {wounds + unawareness]
or (b) thoroly assess for false-self wounds + incomplete grief +
|
__ __ 3)
have persistent
thoughts like "Don’t
commit to / this person / now!"
If you often have such thoughts and/or persistent relationship doubts
or worries, something is wrong.
If
you ignore such thoughts or avoid quiet
you
risk future stress and heartache.
Option:
get quiet
and invite your inner
voice to tell you specifically why it’s warning you. Try
journa-ling about
these
without editing for logic or "common sense."
Pay attention
to your hunches, in-tuitions, "senses" and inner voices!
__ __ 4)
feel
urgent or desperate to exchange
vows and/or
to cohabit, or
obsess about these. A re-lated warning sign
is believing "I can’t live or be happy without you!" Such
intense feelings (and needs) are a
red light! They may indicate
wound-based
(relationship
addiction).
I / you
__ __ 5)
are seriously discussing wedding
within (roughly) 18 months since you met or since any pri-or
breakup. Stop
and
perhaps with
professional help,
of your
dynamic
subselves is
causing this urgency. For more
perspective and long-term safety, do at least this
right-rea-sons
worksheet!
__ __ 6)
seriously discussing cohabiting and/or co-commitment if
either of you (a) hasn't lived on your own for at least several years,
and/or (b) is under (say) 24 years old. Stable independence from your
birth family and some years of adult life experience are essential to
make wise commitment decisions!
__ __ 7)
have committed one or more
major crimes. This is a sure sign of major psychological wounds,
unawareness, and a low-nurturance childhood. Brilliant
red light!
More signs of unwise commitment decisions...
__ __ 8) Expect that
my partner will want to change
significantly unpleasant traits "somehow" after you commit and
cohabit.
S/He
probably won’t, no matter how loving, patient, pious, and reasonable you
are. If s/he's not going to change, do you still want to commit "’til death us do part"?
__ __ 9)
have hafd many
recent major life
changes,
(broken bonds), and/or
traumas in a short time (e.g.
4-6 months). Examples: losing or taking a jobs; changing homes, schools, and/or churches;
breakups; sudden financial
losses or gains; deaths or major medical problems; pregnancies and
abor-tions; graduations or
flunk-outs; legal suits or judgments; natural disasters; bankruptcy; home break-ins or muggings; rape
or murder; sudden family membership-shifts; etc…
Events like these all cause losses (broken
emotional/spiritual bonds) which require time
and solitude to
When many
losses occur in a short time, their impacts can
distort partners'
decision-making - specially if they're previously
Not a good
time to make life-long
commitments! Invest in your future
by
taking many months to sort everything out, grieve well, and rebalance
your lives first! Help each other keep a long-range (e.g. a full generation) view!
I / you
__ __ 10)
have past or present
to...
substances (including sugar, fats, carbohydrates, nicotine, caffeine, and prescription
or street drugs),
activities
(including work, sex, shopping, gambling, cleaning, exercising, and social causes),
moods (like rage or excitement), and/or...
(codependence)
If you or your partner believe
anyone in your family trees are
or were addicted, yellow light. Addic-tions are clear
signs of major
early-childhood
and traumas, and
wounded
caregivers and ancestors. Demonstrated commitment to a
12-step addiction-control
program is an essential step in true addiction
management ("recovery").
__ __ 11)
have a history of failed primary relationships or no
intimate relationships, red light! These suggest serious false-self wounds
and unawarenesses. The
answer to these is
+ wound-
not
a romantic commitment!
__ __ 12)
Keep major secrets. If
you and/or your
partner are clearly in the habit of
or inten-tionally
withholding key truths ("lying
by omission"), rethink any
commitment plans! In my experience, such
behavior is a sure symptom of major false-self
(like excessive fear and distrust) and
inef-fective
__ __ 13)
Have had
past or present romantic or sexual
These often indicate false-self
wounds + ineffective communication + unawareness of
relationship requisites
+
dysfunctional families.
__ __ 14)
Have _ filed bankruptcy, _ major debts, and/or _ a poor credit
rating. These usually indicate false-self wounds and unawareness.
Final courtship warning signs are...
I / you
__ __ 15)
repeatedly delay or
avoid serious, intimate discussions and conflicts
on any topic in this worksheet, red light! Such
avoiders - and people who "al-ways want to have fun!" or
"focus on the bright side!" -
and/or
something or someone.
Their ruling subselves are likely to deny or justify that these
dominate your relationship. Some classic avoidances (i.e. denials) to watch for...
-
"Wounds,
shmounds - everybody has some old baggage. We're getting along
fine without digging into the past."
-
"We can handle our own problems (vs. using
qualified outside help)";
-
"We’ve all lived (or courted) together for ___
months without big problems, so eventual
divorce? Not us!";
-
"We never fight or argue!"
-
"Look, grieving is automatic, right? We don't have
to worry about
-
"There’s no point in
learning about this subself and inner-wounds stuff. It’s just psychobabble and a waste of
time. The past is done, over, finito - don’t you get it?";
(Flashing
red light!)
These are usually symptoms of semiconscious
shame, guilts, and fears.
__ __ 16)
want to
cohabit before, or
instead of, legal commitment (wedding) - specially following a prior divorce.
See this typical research report
suggesting that unmarried families break up more often than married ones.
Recap
After
29 years' research with
over
1,000 average
courting, and re/marrying adults, I be-lieve
the more of these 16 signs that
apply to you two, the higher your odds of serious future relationship stress
and probable divorce.
In the delicious state of new
romantic love,
unaware partners
will often
these warning signs. For your and
your descendents' sakes, work hard together over
many months on self-study
before
pledging your life-long commitment!
If you haven't yet, at least do these courtship checklists
together:
Option:
invest in the guidebook
Stepfamily Courtship (Xlibris.com,
2001). Most of it pertains to any couple.
+ + +
Pause, breathe, and recall why you read this article. Did you get what
you needed? If so, what do you need now? If not, what
you need? Is there anyone you want to discuss these ideas with? Who's
answering these questions - your wise resident
or
