__ __ 3)
thoughts like "Dont
commit to / this person / now!"
If you often have such thoughts and/or persistent relationship doubts
or worries, something is wrong. If
you ignore such thoughts or avoid quiet
risk major future stress and heartache.
and invite your inner
voice to tell you specifically why its warning you. Try
without editing for logic or "common sense."
to your hunches, intuitions, "senses" and
__ __ 4)
urgent or desperate to exchange
to cohabit, or
I / you obsess about these. A related warning sign
is believing "I cant live or be happy without you!" Such
intense feelings (and needs) are a
red light! They may indicate
More common courtship danger signs...
I / you
__ __ 5)
are seriously discussing
within (roughly) 18 months since you met or since any prior
causing this urgency. For more
perspective and long-term safety, do at least this
__ __ 6)
seriously discussing cohabiting and/or co-commitment if
either of you (a) hasn't lived on your own for at least several years,
and/or (b) is under (say) 24 years old. Stable independence from your
birth family and some years of adult life experience are essential to
make wise long-term commitment decisions!
__ __ 7)
have committed one or more
major crimes. This is a sure sign of major psychological wounds,
unawareness, and a low-nurturance childhood. Brilliant
More signs of unwise commitment decisions...
__ __ 8) Expect that
my partner will want to change
significantly unpleasant traits "somehow" after we commit and/or
probably won’t, no matter how loving, patient, pious, and reasonable you
are. If s/he's not going to change, do you still want to commit "til death us do part"?
__ __ 9)
have had many
recent major life
(broken bonds), and/or
traumas in a short time (e.g.
4-6 months). Examples: losing or taking a job; changing homes, schools, and/or churches;
breakups; sudden financial
losses or gains; deaths or major medical problems; pregnancies and
abortions; graduations or
flunk-outs; legal suits or judgments; natural disasters; bankruptcy; home break-ins or muggings; rape
or murder; sudden family membership-shifts; etc…
Events like these all cause losses (broken
emotional/spiritual bonds) which require time, support,
and solitude to
losses occur in a short time, their impacts can
decision-making - specially if they're previously
wounded. Not a good
time to make life-long
commitments! Invest in your future
taking many months to sort everything out, grieve well, and rebalance
your lives first! Help each other keep a long-range (e.g. a full generation) view!
I / you
__ __ 10)
have past or present
substances (including sugar, fats, carbohydrates, nicotine, caffeine, and prescription
or street drugs),
(including work, sex, shopping, gambling, cleaning, exercising, and social causes),
moods (like rage or excitement), and/or...
If you or your partner believe
anyone in your family trees are
or were addicted, yellow light. Addictions are clear
signs of major
and traumas, and
caregivers and ancestors. Demonstrated commitment to a
program is an essential for lasting sobriety and healing.
__ __ 11)
have a history of failed primary relationships or no
red light! These suggest serious psychological wounds
and unawareness. The
answer to these is
a romantic commitment!
__ __ 12)
Keep major secrets.
If you and/or your partner often
or withhold key truths ("lying
by omission"), rethink any
commitment plans! Such behavior is a sure symptom of major
(like excessive fear and distrust) and
__ __ 13)
past or present romantic or sexual
These often indicate psychological wounds + ineffective communication + unawareness of
__ __ 14)
Have _ filed bankruptcy, _ major debts, and/or _ a poor credit
rating. These usually indicate psychological wounds and unawareness.
Final courtship warning signs are...
I / you
__ __ 15)
repeatedly delay or
avoid serious, intimate discussions and conflicts
on any topic in this worksheet, red light! Such
avoiders - and people who "always want to have fun!" or
"focus on the bright side!" -
something or someone.
Their ruling personality subselves are likely to deny or justify that these
dominate your relationship.
Some classic avoidances (i.e. denials) to watch for...
shmounds - everybody has some old baggage. We're getting along
fine without digging into the past."
"We can handle our own problems (vs. using
qualified outside help)";
"Weve all lived (or courted) together for ___
months without big problems, so eventual
divorce? Not us!";
"We never fight or argue!"
"Look, grieving is automatic, right? We don't have
to worry about
"There’s no point in
learning about this subself and
inner-wounds stuff. Its just psychobabble and a waste of
time. The past is done, over, finito - dont you get it?";
attitudes are usually symptoms of semiconscious
shame, guilts, and fears.
__ __ 16)
cohabit before, or
instead of, legal commitment (wedding) - specially following a prior divorce.
See this brief research report
suggesting that unmarried families break up more often than married ones.
breathe, and try this brief awareness
What did you just learn? What are your subselves "saying"?
36 years' research with
courting, and re/marrying adults, I believe
the more of these 16 signs that
apply to you two lovebirds, the higher your odds of serious future relationship stress
and probable divorce.
In the delicious state of new
these warning signs. For your and
your descendents' sakes, work hard together over
many months on self-improvement
pledging life-long commitment!
If you haven't yet, at least do these courtship checklists
Are we committing for the
Is this a wise
strengths and stressors
as a couple
invest in the guidebook
Stepfamily Courtship (Xlibris.com,
2003). Most of it pertains to any couple.
Pause, breathe, and recall why you read this article. Did you get what
you needed? If so, what do you need now? If not, what
you need? Is there anyone you want to discuss these ideas with? Who's
answering these questions - your wise resident