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- choose and evolve nourishing relationships |
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Keys to a Satisfying
Marriage
Master the Pitfalls
Together
By Peter K.
Gerlach, MSW
Member NSRC Experts Council |
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This is one of a
series
of articles in
self-study Lesson 4 - choose and evolve nourishing
relation-ships. This subseries focuses on improving
primary relationships. It builds on articles about making
.
Partners
considering remarriage should also read page 2.
In these articles,
marriage means a committed primary
relationship between two adults.
Primary means the relationship is consistently preferred
among all others. Divorce means
the psychological en-ding of primary commitment by one or both mates. It may or may not mean
the legal dissolution of mar-ital responsibilities.
This article provides...
-
perspective on
"marriage"
-
a summary of common
marital needs,
-
five reasons most US
couples divorce psychologically or legally, and...
-
practical options for
protecting your primary relationship;
This article assumes you're familiar with...
Perspective
Try saying out loud what a relationship is. Then
say how relationships form, and how they end. Then
compare your ideas to these:
A relationship
exists when someone feels that one or both people are
"significantly affected" by the existence, values, and/or behaviors of the
other person. Relationships
form to
fill a mix of each part-ner's personal needs - i.e. to reduce significant
emotional, physical, and/or spiritual discomforts.
Do you agree? Relationships vary from superficial and temporary to primary
and long-term.
"Commitment" is a conscious decision to
invest time and energy in something of value.
Consis-tently giving high priority to someone or something
during
major stress indicates significant
commitment - or dependence.
In a committed primary relationship, one or both partners
choose to
assign consistently high priority to filling their relationship needs
in stressful situations. That means they want to
rank other things and needs second when necessary, to
protect their relationship.
Marriage
is many things...
-
a special evolving emotional -
spiritual - physical relationship,
-
a
personal-identity factor ("I
am married, not single"),
-
a state of mind ("I
feel
married"),
-
an emotional, religious, and
legal contract,
-
the
merger of two family trees
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-
a unique source of adult
need-satisfaction (contentment);
-
a symbolic
personal, family, and social ritual and event,
-
a traditional criteria for
social normalcy;
-
personal and social codes of
moral conduct and values;
-
a (declining) social permit
for adult intercourse and child conception.
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Can you think of other
definitions of marriage and married?
The
point: when marriage is being discussed, it
may be useful to define which of these meanings is the
current topic to avoid misunderstandings.
Modern marriage
is a voluntary religious and/or spiritual, social, legal, (usually) sexual, long-term,
relationship between two
adults. Each partner
voluntarily commits
to the other hoping to fill psychologi-cal, physical, mental, and spiritual
needs. A "good
or healthy marriage" is one that fills enough of each partner's needs "well
enough," in their respective opinions. What needs?
Common Marital Needs
Premise - a need is a semi-conscious urge to reduce or avoid some
emotional, physical, or spiritual discomfort. If you are or were in a
committed primary relationship, see if you felt some or all of these...
"In our relationship, I need
to feel...
And in our relationship
I need to
feel genuinely and steadily...
-
trusted by
you with your
deepest current dreams, fears, shames, doubts, and joys; and...
-
companioned by
you, in a
mutually-interesting, stimulating variety of social and other ex-periences;
and I need to feel...
-
accepted by
you,
with all my limitations, needs,
fears, hopes,
and dreams;
and...
-
steadily encouraged by you
to
my
and
discover my
and...
-
supported by you when I'm exhausted,
discouraged, scared, or overwhelmed, and...
-
separate enough from you,
so I can have my own friends, activities, and goals and keep my own
as an
individual; and I need to feel...
-
confident that you'll
want to fill these needs no matter what we encounter; and...
-
that we'll be able to tell each other if our needs aren't met well
enough, and then problem-solve together as teammates.
And some mates need...
Can you think of other needs typical committed
mates try to fill in their relationship? How many mates do you think
could name the needs they seek to fill with each other? If you
can't name and assert your current needs, how can you problem-solve?
The joy and excitement of discovering and wooing "the perfect mate"
inevitably deepens into a calmer, richer form of love,
or it degrades into increasing dissatisfaction and frustration. Change is
certain, because each mate's knowledge, tolerances, priorities, and
bodies shift, and the social and physical environments constantly evolve.
This implies that...
-
each
mate must ceaselessly adapt
to inner and outer changes. If they can't, the relationship erodes;
and that...
-
the magical combination of courtship
discoveries
and delights will never return.
Does this match your experience?
Do
you mates have an effective way of
and
your relationship needs? If
not, are you working toward that together? Can you accept that each of you
is needy without feeling weak, infer-ior, dysfunctional, or too dependent? Did
your parents talk together about their needs
when you were little? Did they intentionally help each other fill them?
What were you partners each taught about being "needy"?
Why do most U.S. mates have so much trouble filling their
relationship needs well enough? From 30 years' clinical research, I propose the...
Primary Roots
of Divorce
Psychological and legal divorce begins in courtship, when two needy,
unaware, wounded people decide to commit to each other.
Our dysfunctional society allows one
or both to unintentionally choose the wrong
for unwise
at the wrong
After the commitment decision, the relationship decays because of...
-
significant
psychological
in one or both partners; and...
-
unawareness of
(their wounds), their
and these
and...
-
ineffective thinking,
communication, and problem-solving; and for some mates...
-
incomplete grief.
These
four roots combine with public unawareness and indifference to promote
increasing stress after committing. "Stress" means "unfilled needs."
Premise - most "marital problems"
are symptoms of the primary stressors above. Common symptoms include...
The links will take you to options for
reducing each symptom. Suggestion - finish reading this article
before following any links. If you try resolving any of these problems
without
the under-lying root problems will
remain.
So what can courting and committed couples do
to fill their needs?
Relationship Protections
Guard against the five primary stressors above by working at these
protections together
starting in
courtship:
1)
Study and apply
Help
each other understand the
ancestral [wounds + unaware-ness]
that burdens most families. Then honestly
yourselves and each other for significant psychological
wounds, and commit to helping each other
any you find. If your partner is signifi-cantly
wounded, select
from options like these.
At the same time...
2)
Study and apply
Help each other grow proficient
with effective-communication basics,
and
Steadily use these together to resolve the inevitable stream of
and rela-tionship conflicts you'll encounter for
many years. Evolve strategies to master these
three common stressors as teammates,
not adversaries. Then model and teach these basics, tools, and skills to kids
and other important people in your lives.
3) Use
the skills of
and
periodically
to monitor
(a) what you each
from your relationship, and
(b) whether your respective needs are satisfied
enough - specially in the several years following your commitment
vows. As you do this, help each other learn to...
-
your true Selves
(Lesson 1);
-
agree on your mutual personal
rights;
-
intentionally maintain
mutual
and
and to...
-
value your and your mate's respective
needs, and opinions equally;
-
help each other spot
and revise any toxic attitudes;
-
your needs respectfully and
to each other with your hearts, and...
-
set and enforce respectful
with each other and others.
More relationship protections...
4) Evolve your way of
analyzing and
resolving any relationship problem. Help
each other re-member the difference between (a) surface needs and
and (b) win-win
vs. these popular lose-lose
5)
Study and apply
Help each other learn and apply healthy grieving basics, and intentionally
evolve a
relationship and family together.
for and finish any incomplete
mourning together, and teach your young people how to do this.
6)
Become experts on mastering these nine
together.
They are the roots of any troubled
relationship.
7) Help
each other stay clear on - and
honor - your personal and shared
Commit to keeping your relationship second to your
respective
and
except in emergen-cies. If you have kids, keep
their welfare third except in emergencies, to protect them from possible fu-ture divorce trauma.
8)
Make three wise courtship decisions.
When you partners have progressed well on
the seven options above,
you'll be better prepared to choose the right partner, for the right
reason, at the right time. As you decide, discuss these
Q&A items together, and
heed these common
If you don't, one or
both of you is probably controlled by a false self. (#1 above).
9) Use
your commitment vows.
Combine key elements from your marital vows and
your re-spective relationship needs into a
marital
mission statement that inspires, guides, and refocuses you on what
you want to celebrate together as
a contented old couple. Put the statement where you can see
it every day, affirm or update it on anniversaries, and use it in
stressful times. If you don't, what does that suggest about your
priorities?
10)
Use and discuss this inventory periodically
to appreciate your relationship strengths and limits, and affirm your
relationship progress together.
11) Help each other avoid low-nurturance settings.
Being among
in dysfunctional settings will
stress your relationship. Evolve an effective
strategy to relate to Grown Wounded Children (GWCs) - including
relatives.
12)
if you nurture any
young people together,
work at Lessons
- specially if
you're
or in a
Your
goal is to co-create and maintain a high-nurturance family and protect
your descendents from the lethal [wounds + unawareness]
13) When you're stymied, use qualified professional help.
Even well-balanced relation-ships hit
stressful conditions once in a while that are too much to work out
alone. Here, "qualified" means (a) licensed and experienced at marital
therapy, and (b) open to using the prior 12 options. See this
arti-cle for perspective.
You just reviewed 13 options for protecting your primary relationship,
starting in courtship. Do they make sense to you? Are you
motivated to work at them now? Is your partner?
Recap
This Lesson-4 article proposes...
-
specific needs people try to fill by
committing to a primary relationship
-
five root
causes of most legal and psychological divorces, and...
-
13 practical
options for people who want to
protect their primary relationship from decay. The options are best
begun in courtship, and are based on the Lessons in this online
 If you're interested in
forging a successful remarriage with or without prior kids,
read this.
Pause, breathe, and reflect - why did you read this article? Did you get
what you needed? If not, what
you need? Who's
these questions - your
or
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Updated
August 31, 2010
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