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This is one of a
subseries
of articles in self-improvement Lesson 4 -
optimize your relation-ships. This sub-series focuses on
improving primary relationships. It adds to articles proposing how to make
with and
without kids from prior unions.
This article proposes the real reasons many committed couples "can't find enough
time" to nourish their relationship, and what can be done to improve that.
It assumes that you're
familiar with...
What's the Problem?
Primary relationships range from
independent (I don't need you in order to live a satisfying life) to
interdependent (I don't
depend on you, and I choose to be with you) to
dependent (I can't live a
satisfying life without you). If a dependent person chooses an independent
mate, there can be significant conflict over "spending time together"
because their needs (priorities) for that differ. Typical males have lower
needs for intimacy than females, with some exceptions.
As a family-systems therapist since 1981, I've
often heard troubled adults and couples with and without kids say
"We know we should find time for us and our marriage, but we
can't seem to do so."
Such couples seem to be in an
one or both aren't getting some key
met, and yet they
"can't find time" to fill these needs adequately.
If you seek a solution to this impasse, pause,
reflect, and say out loud the main reasons you partners "can't find enough
time" together.
I propose that the
reasons you cite probably aren't the reasons.
Let me explain. When I hear "We can't find time for us...," I ask each
partner to meditate silently on two questions. Reflect
on them now...
"Recently, what are your top five
life
, as judged by your actions, not your desires or words?"
"What would you say your mate's
recent top five priorities are, based on his or her actions?"
Then I ask the couple to compare their answers. Several themes
are common in their responses:
One or both mates can't describe
their specific
priorities;
or...
Their stated priorities
don't seem to match their recent choices and actions; or...
One or both partners significantly
misperceive the other's priorities, and express surprise or skepticism;
or...
One or both partners don't include
(a) personal
(self-nurturance)
and/or (b) their primary relationship in their top
five priorities, and they
were unaware of that or make excuses for it; or...
One or both mates rank their
children's needs, career, debts, biological relatives, socializing, or something else
higher than their primary relationship; and...
Both partners agree they hadn't
recently discussed their immediate and long-range
priorities because "we're too busy," or "we haven't thought about them."
This two-question exercise explores...
-
how important the couple's
relationship is to each partner relative to other things in their lives,
-
whether their stated priorities match their actions, and...
-
how
they
are of their actual priorities, and what that means.
Note
your reactions to what you just read...
The Real Reasons
In this article, mates' "time together" means undistracted periods of
emotional and physical intimacy, which may include discussing
common interests and concerns, planning, worshipping, playing, and resolving relationship
(unmet needs). It does not include doing domestic chores, socializing, parenting activities, watching media, or working together.
Premise: each mate can choose how to spend each 24 hours. So "We can't find time for us"
really means "I or we don't rank our relationship highly enough to
make
enough time for it." That may mean that undistracted "time
together" doesn't yield enough pleasure to
motivate partners to seek more of it among their other interests and
responsibilities.
Why would mates who "fall in love" and vow to prize each other beyond all
others not want to make time to nourish and enjoy their relationship? Consider
these possibilities:
1)
One
or both mates carry
significant psychological
and
they (a) don't (want to) know this, or they (b) deny it to themselves or each other. The
worst case is one or both partners are unable to form a genuine
with the other
because of their wounds. This is often called being "emotionally
unavailable," and can produce "pseudo (pretended, dutiful) intimacy."
A common symptom of inner wounds is
one or both are unaware of
avoiding relentless
by being
compulsively busy (i.e.
addiction to activity),
and rationalizing that - e.g. "I have to, because (some illusion)," or
"I can't help it (I'm a victim);"
And/or...
2)
Because of their wounds and unawareness, one or both mates
committed to
the wrong
for the
wrong
at the
wrong
- and
they don't want
to admit that to themselves or each other. One version of the former is
choosing a wounded person who's intimacy needs are very different than
yours;
Another real reason is...
3) The
couple
doesn't know how to do effective
win-win
yet,
so they avoid time together because they (a) have to pretend they have
no significant problems "Maria and I never fight!"), or (b) they
feel increasing frustration at being unable to
solve their problems together;
and/or...
4) One or both partners feel
overwhelmed by a mix of current
problems (unmet needs), and need to avoid time together because
that usually makes things worse (increases anxiety and frustration). And/or...
5) One or both mates aren't
finished mourning prior
(broken bonds).
can inhibit bonding and intimacy. Possibly the couple may not know how
to make a
home and family that encourages healthy grief among its members; and/or...
6) The
couple is in a financial situation where they
both choose to work at
jobs that leave little or energy time for their relationship. Where
true, this implies they value financial security and lifestyle more than
their relationship; and/or...
7) One or both
mates fear something about being alone together, like exposing secrets, excessive guilts, and/or discovering
serious relationship frustrations over sex,
love, trust, or other),
and they're unable to face that; and/or...
8)
The couple has not sought
effective help
to overcome problems like these, or they have chosen ineffective
and/or....
9)
Some combination of these
factors. This is probably the norm among America's millions of
couples.
|
Premise: "We can't
find enough time for ourselves as a couple"
avoids the pain of admitting "I
or we really don't care enough about our
relationship to (a) make time for it, and to (b) patiently learn how to
admit and resolve our problems together as committed partners."
|
Couples who tolerate "too
little time" to nourish their union need to see themselves as helpless
victims of "circumstances" rather than as partners with the option
and responsibility of
resolving their mix of the factors above. The lone exception is they cannot
undo making wrong commitment choices. This is specially tragic if they're
responsible for raising minor children.
Reality Check
See where you stand with what you just read. T = "True; F =
False, and ? = "I'm not sure," or "It depends on ____
(what?)."
I'm confident
that my
is
my
now.
(T F ?)
I can clearly describe why I'm
reading this article. (T F ?)
I feel the premise above describes
my primary relationship now. (T F ?)
I'm sure _ my partner and
_ I
have each thoughtfully committed to the right person, for the right
reasons, at the right time. (T F ?)
I'm (a) very clear on my current
life
now, and (b) my
actions usually match my words. (T F ?)
I want my partner to read this
article so we can discuss it together in the next week.
(T F ?)
I'm very motivated to learn how to
overcome our version of these "no time" factors
now.
(T F ?)
Alert: if a protective
controls your personality now, those
subselves will probably cause you to...
-
"lose interest" in
reading this,
-
feel vague or
uncertain,
-
skip answering the items and move on, and/or
to...
-
your answers to these
items.
If
you feel stymied trying to "find more quality time" together, consider
these...
Solution Options
Eight of the nine problems above can be
prevented or improved
if each partner has the will, courage, and resilience to learn how. The
order of the options below is important - each builds on the prior ones.
Some of
the links below will take you to a new article. I suggest you finish this one
before reading any of them.
Start
by accepting that to strengthen your primary relationship, each of you mates will have to want to...
-
adopt a
long-range attitude (e.g. the next 15+ years),
-
change some basic
priorities and attitudes,
-
learn and apply some new
and...
-
make (vs. "find") time to learn and change.
Next, honestly define your real current priorities and who sets them. I
suggest you have the best long-term chance for satisfaction and harmony if you both
choose to put your
and
first, your relationship second, and all else third,
except in emergencies. If you can't agree on that, one or both of you
is probably controlled by a
well-meaning
false self.
|
Your most
impactful long-term option is to
whether you mates need to
significant
psychological
and to
against them.
Self-improvement
provides
a framework and many resources for this vital healing. Option: invest in this Lesson-1
together. |
If
either of you is compulsively "busy" ("I just can't stop!") wonder if your
protective subselves are using that to avoid major
Learn about
identifying and managing
in general, and
activity addiction in
particular. All harmful compulsions signify...
-
that a
dominates the
person and often her or his partner (a co-addict),
and...
-
probably s/he and any kids are living in a
family.
These have many major short and long-range
If either of your
daily to-do lists are steadily over-full, discuss this
article for perspective, options,
and resources after you finish here.
Honestly evaluate whether either of you mates may have made
unwise commitment choices by reading
this and investing
time in using and discussing these
worksheets.
Any conclusion you reach can affirm your
choices, or clarify some important relationship and family decisions you need to
make for yourself and any dependents. If you feel you did make some wrong
commitment choices, that will affect which of these options can help you now.
More
options to fill the primary needs underlying your "no-time"
dilemma...
Read, discuss, and apply
these options to improve your
communication effectiveness. self-improvement
provides
an organized way and many tools to
strengthen your effectiveness.
The unique, practical Lesson-2 guidebook is
(Xlibris.com, 2002).To raise your
interest and motivation, try
below the surface
problem of "too little time together" to see what unfilled
are causing your
discomfort.
A related option is to
your communication sequences when you do have time alone together. This can
reveal unseen communication
which may taint your alone-times.
Study
together to test for any
Note that evolving a
home and family
requires you both to...
-
be guided by your true Selves (Lesson 1),
-
be
able to communicate effectively (Lesson 2), and to...
-
help each other learn and apply
healthy grieving basics.
If you
two choose to invest time and patient effort in the options above, you'll be
increasingly able to reduce any of these common
that
contribute to your "no-time" dilemma. A way to optimize this is to help each
other (a) separate relationship problems from other personal and family issues,
and (b) stay focused on one or two problems at a time.
You're most apt to be
able to do that if your respective true Selves are steadily guiding your
personalities.
If one
or both of you feel that money or debts
are a major reason you "can't" make time to enjoy each other, read and discuss
this article (later) and see what happens.
Another possibility is that one or both of you are c/overtly disappointed or
frustrated with the sexual part of your
relationship. If so, read and discuss this (later) for perspective and options. If by chance one or both of you is
choosing to have an affair, see if
this opens up some options (later).
Notice
several themes to these options: they...
-
treat "too little tome together" as a symptom of some unfilled
primary needs;
-
are
not short-term quick fixes;
-
all
require you to invest significant time together, and be willing to
change some important
things about yourselves to get some things you want. And these options...
-
don't fault anyone for doing something "wrong;" and they...
-
follow a sequence (build on each other), And the options...
-
are proposed as two-partner efforts, not just
for one mate.
Recap
A common surface stressor in many primary relationship is one or both partners
complaining "We can't find enough time for our relationship." This article
proposes that this is usually a false-self delusion designed to avoid facing one
or more underlying problems.
The article proposes
practical
options to help partners reduce their primary problems and
strengthen their
relationship over time. Doing this is part of self-improvement
in this
educational Web site.
Pause, breathe, and recall why you read this article. Did you get what you
needed? If so, what do you need now? If not - what
you need? Is there anyone you want to discuss
these ideas with? Who's
answering these questions - your wise resident
or
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