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This is one of a
series
of articles in self-study Lesson 4 -
choose and evolve nourishing relation-ships. This sub-series focuses on
improving primary relationships. It adds to articles proposing how to make
with and
without kids from prior unions.
This article focuses on
resolving sexual problems between committed partners. Related
pages focus on reducing sexual stress between ex mates,
stepparents
and stepkids, and stepsiblings.
The article offers...
-
Basic premises
- "Sex 101"
-
A "status check"
on your sexual beliefs and situation
-
Typical factors affecting
mutually-satisfying sex
-
Typical
surface problems in any family and in typical stepfamilies
-
Six
primary problems
-
Options for
reducing these problems
This article assumes you're familiar with...
I am
a veteran family-systems therapist, but am
not an expert on sexual
satisfaction. From 72 years on Earth, 40+ years' study of communication
skills and human
behavior, and 30 years'
learnings about personal
from
childhoods, I feel qualified to offer the ideas in this article.
I
assume you're reading this because you and a partner have a "sex problem." If
so, take a moment to define what you need specifically, and say it
out loud. Then keep it in mind a you read...
Basic Premises - Sex 101
“Marital sex” is too complex
for this short article to offer a meaningful roadmap to total bliss. The
article offers basic perspectives that can help you discover
probable primary problems and options for resolving them together.
Your “sex problem" may be a
symptom of other unmet
Identifying
and focusing on them together raises your odds of getting your mutual
sensual and sexual (and other) needs satisfied well enough.
Your
sexual satisfaction is based on your basic attitudes and beliefs about
gender, sensuality, sex-uality, and morality. See how many of these ideas you
agree with individually and as a couple:
Sexual tension, desire, or
need is a mix of physical + psychological + and
discomforts. They’re
based on involuntary neuro-chemical cycles, which are shaped
by environmental factors, atti-tudes, and beliefs that you’ve grown since
early childhood. - e.g. “Masturbating is unhealthy, sinful, and disgusting!"
Your
natural need to periodically release sexual tensions is
instinctive. It is no more shameful than digesting, burping, or urinating. The related urge
to procreate is primal and beyond moral judgment.
The way you fill your sexual
and procreation needs can be judged between nurturing (mutually
sat-isfying and healthy) to
harmful,
based on many things. There are three or more
judges to please:
Psychological,
biological, and environmental
conditions can inhibit natural female and
male sexual needs and responses. Odds of improving your sexual satisfaction
rise with looking honestly in all three domains.
Typical female
sexual-gratification has a different "profile" (arousal,
buildup, orgasm/s, post-release) than average male
satisfaction. In "non-casual" sex, females'
wholistic
enjoyment often in-creases when their partner's
genuine focus is on love (intimacy, tenderness, patience, sensuality,
romance, communion, empathy, passion...), vs. mindless mechanical lust,
orgasm, and conquest.
Some males need to feel powerful,
potent, and dominant, which manifests as sexual aggression. Some
females have a complementary need to be dominated, or vice versa. Research suggests that
typical
female brains need
(a) more foreplay than males to reach full climax; (b) need
sexual release somewhat less often, and (c) can experience more sequential orgasms
than average male brains and bodies.
More "Sex 101" premises...
The dividing line between sensuality and sexuality can be hard to define.
Sensuality is a combina-tion of sensory experiences (touch, smell,
taste, sound, sights) that promote sexual arousal and (pos-sibly)
intercourse. Sexuality overlaps
sensuality and includes intercourse and orgasm ." How does this compare with
your definition?
Adults
who suffered sexual trauma (like
abuse) in
childhood seem more likely to have significant sexual (and other) problems than those who didn't. Typically, the greater the
trauma, the more likely the
will have developed
(a) a
false self and (b) protective memory
or blocks about it
Adult symptoms of early sexual trauma are clear, and
effective healing therapies are available. In my clinical experience, a
majority of average men and women suffered significant traumas in their early years. A common one is being
and/or
for feeling and
expressing natural
sensuality
, sexuality, and
normal curiosity about those.
Our
ancestral Christian and Victorian
attitudes cast natural sexual desires and behaviors as
shameful ("dirty"). To satisfy consumer demand, our profit-minded media engine
ceaselessly barrages us with unrealistic and exaggerated focus on...
-
youth,
attractiveness (“Six days to more flattering abs, whiter teeth, and an alluring tan!”), and sexual desirability;
and...
-
superficial sexual adventure, titillation, and gratification.
Decades of exposure to
this can hinder some mates from having realistic marital sexual expectations
and experiences. Reality check: who do you compare your sexual attitudes and
behaviors to? Do you have sexual hero/ines?
More "Sex 101" premises...
Psychologically-wounded partners enduring ceaseless
can be
addicted
to self-medica-ting via
sexual fantasies (e.g. pornography), arousal, and orgasm (masturbation). Like other addictions,
these cravings are obsessive (thoughts) and/or compulsions (actions).
They’re
beyond logic or willful control, because of the underlying primal need to
mute relentless shame, guilt, and emotional/spiritual emptiness.
A related addiction is to “sex and love.” I believe
any
addiction is a clear symptom of major childhood
(nurturance-deprivation)
and significant psycho-logical
Individual
in each partner have their own values, needs and priorities about sensuality
and sexuality. These may be based on inaccurate information, experiential
learnings, and ancestral inhi-bitions or prohibitions. (e.g. “A proper
wife must want to submit to her husband’s sexual needs, and not assert her
own.”)
When
these are too conflictual, a partner can experience hormonal imbalance (“low
sexual drive”) and/or enough distraction to block their natural sexual
responses. That can manifest in many ways, like vaginismis (prolonged
contraction or spasm) and impotence.
Sexual
preference appears to be largely developmental and hormonal, rarely learned or
chosen. As such, there is nothing inherently immoral or shameful about
consensual bisexuality or homosexuality. If you’re
curious, skeptical, outraged, or disagree, I recommend that you read “Brain
Sex,” by Anne Moir and David Jessel.
"Good sex"
consistently ranks fifth or lower in thoughtful surveys of marital-satisfaction
factors. Re-spect, honesty, companionship, empathy, and emotional/spiritual
intimacy usually rank higher, at least with typical
women. What are
your priorities?
From
30 years' study, I believe U.S. divorce is
epidemic partly because
many partners
commit to the wrong
at the wrong
for the wrong
One wrong reason is “to
socially and morally le-gitimize and satisfy my sexual desire
for you.”
| Premise:
typical
“sexual problems” are symptoms
of major psychological
wounds and un-awareness + ineffective communications + toxic attitudes + ignorance of sexual and relationship realities. Once
identified, each of these can be reduced. From this view, there is no such thing as
a "sexual" problem,
other than organic dysfunction like hormonal im-balances. Even those may be
af-fected by psychological deficits. |
You mates
can improve
your sensual and sexual satisfaction any time you commit to...
-
helping each other reduce any significant
false-self wounds (Lesson 1);
-
raising your
and
-
improving your communication effectiveness
(Lesson 2); and...
-
risking new
attitudes and behaviors (be “more
vulnerable.”)
Lasting improvement is most likely when you each feel "This is
our
project," vs. "This is
your problem: you must change and learn how to
satisfy me (insulting
implication: "my needs and dignity outrank yours").
Status check: See
where you stand with what you just read: T = true, F = false,
and? = "I'm not sure," or "It depends on ____"
I agree with
each of the premises above; or if not, I’m clear on what I
do believe. (T
F ?)
My
sexual beliefs
and values are my own, not someone else’s - like a religion’s, my ancestors',
my mate’s, or the media’s. (T F ?)
I
know all I
need to know about (a) healthy human sexual functioning and behavior and (b) my personal
sensual and sexual needs. (T F ?)
I
can clearly (a)
name the major differences between male and female sexual needs and
responses, and (b) describe how those differences affect my and my mate’s
recent sexual satisfactions or frustrations. (T F ?)
My needs for sensuality and sexuality (a) have been satisfied well enough recently,
(b) in ways that
enhance (vs. stress) our relationship and our self and mutual respect. (T F ?)
I
believe that
any “sex problem” my mate and I are experiencing is a symptom of deeper
personal and relationship problems. (T F ?)
I can separate my and
my mate’s needs for psychological and
intimacy from our
respective needs for physical (sensual/sexual) pleasure. (T F ?)
When one of us has
sexual needs, I consistently rank my partner’s
worth and psychologi-cal, spiritual,
and physical needs as
equal in importance to mine. (T F ?)
My partner would answer
each of these items as “True” now. (T F ?)
I
(a) want to
discuss these items with my partner now, and I (b) feel totally safe doing so.
(T
F ?)
My
is
clearly
my
right now
- or if not, I know who is lead-ing. (T F ?)
If you learned anything
important here, what is it? If you didn’t learn anything, what does that
mean?
Women and men’s sexual
anxieties and frustrations sound the same in any family situation:
|
"Too seldom (or too often)!"
"Too fast (or slow)!"
"Not enough romance!"
"Too little time!"
“I feel used!”
"I don't feel desired (or desirable)!"
"I (you) have little sexual desire"
"Too little (or too much) foreplay!"
"You compare me to _______ "
"I have an (old) infection that..."
“The kids will hear us…”
"You've, uh, lost your sexy body..."
"You fall asleep right away, and I..."
"B-o-r-i-n-g...."
|
"You don't know what I like!"
"You won't do what I like!"
“I don’t do things like that.”
"Too many interruptions"
"I'm (or you're) too tired, too often!"
"You only do that because I ask,
instead of wanting to..."
"I just want to cuddle, and you want
orgasm.'"
"I’m scared that we'll conceive,
despite..."
"It's your duty as a spouse to..."
"(Some authority) says..."
"I'm ashamed and guilty that I can't please you"
"I'm afraid that I can't please you..."
"You have a big (sexual)
problem..."
|
Add to these a collage of
"mechanical" problems with erection and penetration; hygiene; premature,
mismatching, or interrupted orgasms (or none); timing conflicts ("I
like it best in the morning, but Burt's a night man");...
Any bells ringing here?
These are surface problems which can combine to cause major personal
and mutual hurts, anxieties, resentments, distrusts, frustrations, and doubts.
These can be amplified by many other family and life stressors. To find
relief, let's look a little deeper..
If
you're not in a stepfamily and don't expect to be, skip to
here.
Stepfamily Sexuality
See if
any of these aspects of typical
stepfamily life may be affecting your sexual
satisfactions:
Typical re/marrying
co-parents are older than first marriers, and (usually) have more sexual
experience to draw on. Compared to their younger selves, the frequency and
intensity of their desire may have mellow-ed, and their mid-life priorities are
often different.
If a
mate has a
chemical
being older implies the addiction may have
progressed to the point that it impairs sexual functioning. The four types of addiction seem to be
common in typical
families and stepfamilies.
Sexual
distrust may be
higher in some stepfamily re/marriages where a partner acknowledges one or more
marital
that contributed to their prior divorce.
The
ongoing presence of
one or more former sexual partners (i.e. stepkids' other parent/s)
makes sexual insecurity and
jealousy more likely with new stepparents than in
typical new first marriages. A divorcing co-parent may still feel strong
sexual desire for her or his ex, which is not subject to
logic, requests, threats, or legal decree.
The
presence of
resident or visiting stepkids can add complex inhibitions and
distractions, and sexual-privacy intrusions, that childless newlyweds don't
face.
More stepfamily factors that
can affect your sexual harmony:
Re/marrying mates'
needs and attitudes about
child conception
are more complex and different than first-marriers. This can generate tension
when a childless stepparent wants to conceive, and their mate says “I don’t
need to again.” Conceiving an “ours” child sets off a complex web of
financial, psychological, loyalty, physical, and family-structure
changes that can
cause
and
which inhibit house-hold and sexual harmonies.
The primal
incest
taboo is
weaker in average stepfamilies than in healthy biofamilies, raising the odds that
stepparents and
stepkids (and/or stepsiblings) can feel sexual attractions. Where
stepparent-step-child attraction is present, the sexual part of the re/married mates' relationship will be
affected, and/or unfilled adult needs may contribute to inappropriate
thoughts and/or actions.
Minor
and adult kids may feel
significant “upset” (disgust, resentment, outrage, scorn)
with either bio-parent behaving sexually with another
adult
- specially if the kids haven't finished mourning their signifi-cant
This upset can cause secondary
problems that distract and/or conflict you mates from mari-tal and sexual
intimacy and serenity.
At least 80% of the many
hundreds of typical adults I've consulted with since 1981 seem to come
from significantly
childhoods. I assume they represent most U.S. divorcing and stepfamily
part-ners. Low-nurturance childhoods
promote significant psychological
That
raises the odds that one or more of your
will be sexually repressed, shamed, abused, misinformed, scared, addicted, and/or
promiscuous. And...
Innerpersonal
and interpersonal confusions, conflicts, and distractions are more
common in average stepfamilies than in healthy intact biofamilies.
Privacy and undistracted time for intimacy can be harder to
attain. This can inhibit your shared sexual focus and
enjoyment, unless you intentionally work together to avoid that without guilt
or anxiety. That requires
shared
and
and
These and other factors will affect
stepfamily partners in
unique ways. Bottom line: achieving con-sistent sexual harmony in
warp-speed America is challenging enough.
The odds of significant sexual
dis-satisfaction ("problems") are probably higher for typical stepfamily mates
than their first-marrying peers, for many reasons.
Six Primary Sexual Problems
Premise - common problems like
those above are symptoms of
up to six underlying primary stressors.
One or both of you...
are unaware of being controlled by a false self (wounded); and/or...
can't communicate effectively about sexual (and other) issues; and/or...
have distorted information and/or unrealistic expectations about
sexuality; and/or...
are denying a chemical and/or relationship
which
inhibits sexual responses; and/or you...
are denying or minimizing a treatable medical condition, and/or one or
both of you...
made up to three unwise courtship-commitment choices which can't be
undone.
Perspective on These
1) you and/or your partner are
unaware of being
ruled by a
(i.e. you are psychologically
Sexual
performance anxiety, spectatoring (over-analyzing),
impotence, frigidity,
and “low sexu-al desire” may be symptoms of a dominant
false self and
related psychological wounds. Common symp-toms of this are...
