Lesson 6 of 7 - Learn  how to parent effectively Worksheet: Should we  Conceive a Child? Choose the right time,  for the right reasons By Peter K. Gerlach, MSW Member NSRC Experts Council site intro > course outline > Lesson 6 study guide or links > site search, chat, or prior page > here   The Web address of this worksheet is http://sfhelp.org/parent/conceive.htm         Clicking links below will open a full window or an informational popup, so please turn off your brow-ser's popup blocker or allow popups from this nonprofit, ad-free Web site.         This is one of a series of articles in Lesson 6 - learn what typical kids need as they grow, and how to fill their needs effectively over two decades without neglecting yourself.         This worksheet assumes you're familiar with... the intro to this nonprofit Website and the premises underlying it self-improvement Lessons 1 thru 5 this overview of the [wounds + unawareness] cycle Q&A on healthy courtship; this perspective on effective parenting, and these Q&A items, and... perspective on "problem kids" What's the Problem?         Courting partners who are considering life-long commitment to each other must make three profoundly impactful personal decisions: is this the right partner and family to commit to? Is this the right time to commit? and... Are we each committing for the right reasons?           The unremarked American divorce epidemic implies that over half of average mates in recent gen-erations have not made these wise decisions. It also implies that our society passively accepts the un-quantifiable costs of widespread legal and psychological divorce to society and the next generations.         Mates who have not thoroly researched these three questions risk of making unwise decisions about if and when to conceive (or adopt) and/or raise one or more children together. Roughly 75% of typi-cal U.S. couples choose to conceive at least one child and assume the multi-decade responsibility of preparing them well for independent young adulthood.          Headlines about school shootings, dropouts, teen abortions, suicides, drug usage, gang violence, runaways, widespread obesity, unplanned conceptions, depression, self mutilation, and juvenile crime suggest that millions of American couples conceive children before they're prepared to nurture them ef-fectively. Such headlines raise the question... "Can adults who weren't nurtured well and educated properly make effective parents them-selves?"         My consistent experience as a professional family-systems therapist since 1981 suggests the answer is "Usually no." That's why this worksheet and related articles exists. It aims to help thoughtful couples research and answer the questions below.   What is a "Wise Conception Decision"?         Try thoughtfully answering that question out loud. Then compare your idea with this: A wise child-conception decision... is based on clear self-awareness, thoughtful deliberation, and honest discussions between committed mates; strengthens the parents' wholistic health, relationship, and family system for many decades; results in a wholistically-healthy, stable, independent young woman or man who... is able to make wise long-range courtship-commitment and child-conception decisions, and... clearly enhances, rather than depletes, society.         Note that this broad definition suggests the wisdom of a conception decision can't be fully evalua-ted for several decades. Reflect - does this definition describe you and your birth-parents? Your mate and his/her birth-parents? You and any dependent children? Your grandparents? Requisites for Wise Conception Decisions         Billions of words have been printed and spoken about how, when, and why couples should decide to procreate or adopt. This worksheet is not meant as a definitive answer to this complex question. It pro-poses some ideas that are seldom included in answering the questions wisely. See if you agree with them - A = agree; D = disagree, and ? = "I'm not sure," or "It depends on ___ (what?)" __  We each must honestly respect and love ourselves and each other. (A  D  ?) __  We each must be fully aware of the [wounds + unawareness] cycle and its toxic ef-       fects (A  D  ?); __  We must each be motivated to study, discuss, and apply this course to raise our       awareness __  We mates must each understand and accept normal personality subselves. (A  D  ?) __  We each must _ have checked honestly for significant psychological wounds, and      _ be motivated to help each other reduce any such wounds ("recover").   (A  D  ?)  __  We each _ must come from a high-nurturance family whose members want to support       us as _ a couple and _ as parents (A  D  ?) __  KEY - We each must be usually guided by our true Self, or be clearly progressing to-      ward that. (A  D  ?) __  We must each agree that we're both clearly ready psychologically, logistically, financi-      ally, and physically to take on the responsibilities of raising a child.  (A  D  ?) __  We must be well along on learning _ to identify what we mates each need, and _ how       to assert our needs effectively and _ problem-solve any significant conflicts (add your own wise-decision requisites) __  __          Have you ever seen ideas like these in one place before? How do you feel about them individually and collectively? How many average parents and grandparents do you think could articulate - and live by - a list of conception-decision requisites like this? Can you?         Now see how you feel about two sets of criteria for deciding to conceive or adopt a child - the right time, and the right reasons.   Are We Ready to Be Parents?         Use these items as thought-provokers and discussion-starters. Edit them as needed to best fit your personality and situation. Caution - if you're ruled by a well-meaning false self, you risk distorting your answers to these items. Do you know how to tell who's running your life?   Is This a Wise Time to Conceive or Adopt?         Get undistracted, meditate, and see how many of these items you can check as being true now. If you're not sure, put "?". If an item is not true, leave it blank, or put "X". To avoid biasing your answers, I suggest you mates fill this worksheet out separately, and then compare and discuss your results. __  1)  We each made three wise commitment choices to each other. __  2)  Each of us _ accepts the reality of personality subselves,and _ we are  proactive-                ly helping each other keep our true Selves in charge in calm and stressful times. __  3)  People who know us well would agree that our primary relationship is _ stable           and _ mutually satisfying.  __  4)  We're each _ clear on our own and _  our partner's life priorities, and _ they are           compatible (vs. conflictual). __  5)  We have discussed and agreed that we can co-create and maintain a high-nurtur-          ance family environment for ourselves and any children.   __  6)  Each of us genuinely enjoys infants, preteens, and teens, despite the responsbili-          ties, frustrations, heartaches, and sacrifices we'll share if we conceive or adopt.  __  7)  We each _ are reasonably wholistically healthy, and _ have many of these _                       traits and _  values, according to objective observers.  __  8)  Each of us is free of harmful obsessions and compulsions like addictions, or -           we're clearly progressing toward stable, self-motivated sobriety.  __  9)  We _ have been financially stable and self-supporting for several years, and _            see no reason that might change in the near future. __  10)  Neither of us _ depends on a parent or other relative for emotional stability and             support now, or _ feels overly responsible for a disabled parent or relative; __  11)  My partner and I are well along in studying and discuss _ the [wounds + unaware-             ness] cycle and _ these Lessons. __  12)  We each want to break the [wounds + unawareness] cycle if our ancestors were             significantly affected by it. __  13)  We're helping each other learn how to _ identify, _ assert, and _ fill our primary             needs - i.e. we're learning how to problem-solve effectively. (Lesson 2)  __  14)  We're consciously evolving and using a healthy family grieving policy, and we're             proactively growing a pro-grief family (Lesson 3) __  15)  We each have researched and discussed what significant lifestyle changes, gains,             and losses to expect if we conceive or adopt and raise a child. __  16)  We each want to research our family trees to see if we risk passing on any seri-            ous congenital diseases or conditions. __  17)  We each are willing to ask knowledgeable others for parenting help, advice, and               encouragement if and when we feel confused or anxious about childcare. __  18)  (Add your own criteria) __  19) __  20)          Pause, breathe, and notice what you're thinking and feeling. What stands out for you about what you just read? Which of these items seem most important? The most difficult? Are you motivated to pa-tiently learn and discuss the things that are new or specially relevant to you both?         Even if you both have enough of the criteria above, you might choose to create or adopt a child for some unwise reasons. This is least likely if you mates are each solidly guided by your true Self.   Do We Have the Right Reasons for Conceiving or Adopting?         Check each of these reasons that apply to you and/or your partner, and then discuss your answers together. __  1)  One or both of us needs to prove something to someone __  2)  We need to give an existing child a sibling __  3)  We need to obey God's command to multiply __  4)  We need to beat the conception clock __  5)  We need to share the life experience of creating and/or raising a child __  6)  We need to feel socially "normal" __  7)  We need to give your and/or my parents a(nother) grandchild __  8)  We need to carry on the family name and genes __  9)  We need to do what's expected of us (by whom?) __ 10)  One or both of us needs to carry on a family tradition __  11)  We need to strengthen our relationship by having and/or raising a child __  12)  One or both of us needs a life purpose / reason for being __  13)  We need to create an heir to someone's estate, and/or a tax deduction __  14)  We want to give a neglected child a good home __  15)  One or both of us is strongly against abortion and/or adopting out __  16)  (Your reasons...) __  17)         Pause, breathe and notice your thoughts and feelings. Option - journal about filling out this work-sheet while your reactions are fresh. Note - there are many points of view about the "right" reasons to conceive or  adopt a child. The rea-sons with italic numbers above are unwise in my opinion (are apt to cause significant future personal and couple stress), and are often signs of psychological wounds and unawareness. Recap      This worksheet exists because of epidemic U.S. personal and social problems caused by unqualified child conceptions and ineffective parenting. These result from - and cause - the public's tolerance for the unseen [wounds + unawareness] cycle which stresses most American families.         The worksheet and linked articles offer committed adult couples a way to assess whether they're well-prepared to conceive or adopt and raise a child together. The worksheet starts by defining the prob-lem and a "wise child-conception decision." Then it proposes requisites couples must have to evaluate the short and long-term pros and cons of conception or adoption wisely, and adds two checklists.         Premises underlying this worksheet are that there is a wise time to conceive or adopt, and wise reasons to do so. Another premise is that for best odds of healthy conception and/or adoption decisions, couples need to have made three wise commitment decisions first, with their true Selves guiding them each. This Lesson 6 worksheet complements three others designed to help average couples make such decisions.         Pause, breathe, and reflect - why did you read this article? Did you get what you needed? If not, what do you need? Who's answering these questions - your true Self, or ''someone else''?   This article was very helpful  somewhat helpful  not helpful      If you're in a stepfamily - or may be - also read this article.  Prior page  /  Print page  /  Lesson-6 links  site intro  /  course outline  /  site search  /  definitions  /  chat  /  contact  /  copyright info Updated April 30, 2013