This page continues an outline of four requisites for
professional service to typical childhood-trauma survivors and divorcing-family and stepfamily clients:
The
prior pages outlines the special knowledge
requirements, requisite self-awareness and process
awareness, and general clinical skills required for all
of clients covered by this model. This page summarizes special clinical
skills required for each phase of the work with these clients:
-
adjusting to divorce or mate-death,
-
pre-stepfamily courtship,
-
committed stepfamily couples denying primary-relationship problems,
-
committed stepfamily couples admitting
such problems,
-
re/divorcing stepfamilies; and...
-
families in any of these phases where at
least one adult
of childhood trauma is motivated to reduce their psychological wounds and
harmonized their personality subselves. This may be individual or family
work.
1) Clinical Skills Needed for Divorcing-biofamily Clients
For perspective on working with these needy, multi-problem client families, study this
perspective on the current US divorce
epidemic, this slide presentation
on divorce, and this worksheet on
divorce-recovery status before continuing here. The general skills on
the prior page should be adequate for most families adjusting to the death
of an adult or child.
Effective clinical work with these families requires unique clinical knowledge and these special skills in clinicians,
supervisors, consultants, and program and/or clinical directors:
If the decision to divorce is firm,
then...
-
devise and implement an effective
family-reorganization plan, and (b) manage their changes cooperatively. This includes helping
divorcing parents...
-
assist in (a) evolving viable, stable
co-parenting and child-custody
agreements, and possibly (b) stabilizing and (c) reducing the need for legal
orders of protection. The
latter is strong evidence of major psychological wounds in one or
both partners. And...
-
educate parents on the normal
developmental and special
divorce-adjustment needs of their minor kids, and
assess each child's current
status with them;
-
if presenting problems include one or more
children "acting out," assess how best to help each child while working
with the whole family system. This may justify expanding the clinical
metasystem to include an appropriate
co-therapist, school counselor, tutor, and/or clinical program; and coordinating the
family work with
them; And effective clinicians also need to be skilled at...
-
maintaining their personal and the client-family's
through the stressful divorce-adjustment process.
This may involve working with adversarial attorneys and a Guardian ad
Litem (children's attorney), family-court judges, and/or
court-appointed mediators and child-custody evaluators for many months. If your client has
been ordered by the court to "get counseling," see
this. And...
-
evaluate and achieve
effective divorce recovery over time. Some clients may need special help to
resolve problems from marital
family violence, sexual traumas, compound legal and financial problems;
and someone's
including
Each of these surface stressors is strong evidence of significant adult
(GWC) wounds, which is the primary problem.
-
helping divorcing parents (a) acknowledge and (b) permanently
reduce significant
to cooperative child-nurturance over time.
This long-term work often requires focused
education and some version of
skilled
-
Many divorcing Catholic families need
empathic, knowledgeable assistance to navigate the difficult church
annulment process, which may overlap with legal divorce and extend
beyond it.
-
help
adults and kids to (a) acknowledge (vs. deny, repress, intellectualize,
or ignore) and grieve and adjust to
biofamily reorganization (splitting into two co-parenting homes)
following parental divorce, and (b) understanding and patiently
achieving genuine divorce recovery
before making stepfamily
commitments;
-
help the client's extended-family system (a)
understand, (b) accept (vs. deny), and (c) grieve and adjust to their divorce-related losses and changes.
Think of several divorcing-family clients,
and comparing the work with them to this clinical-goal and skill summary. Clinicians will
usually not be able to cover all these goals adequately, and will
need to triage their time and efforts to achieve the best long-term systemic
changes that limits allow.
Typical stressed divorcing-family
clients will probably focus short-term relief (surface-problem reduction),
and will not be able to focus on a long-term systemic goals. In such cases,
a special clinical skill is weaving long-term suggestions into short-term
work. ("For your kids' sakes, you'll probably want to improve your adult
communication and problem-solving skills over time, won't you?")
|
In my experience, almost all
divorcing families are headed by survivors of childhood trauma -
(GWCs). Few (no?) such adults are aware of the [wounds + unawareness]
that promoted their and their kids' psychological
Unless divorcing adults are middle-aged and have clearly hit
it's usually premature to suggest they commit to personal
while they grieve and adapt to divorce-related losses and changes. It
is appropriate to plant
seeds (comments, handouts, etc.) about the cycle's toxic
and eventual personal wound-recovery. If one or both divorcing adults are
ready to commit to wound recovery, see
this. |
The more knowledgable and skilled a clinician is at facilitating client
progress on this complex mosaic of systemic goals, the more
likely they are to minimize future stepfamily stresses.
2) Extra Skills Needed
During Pre-stepfamily Courtship
My clinical experience since 1981 steadily suggests that one of five
interrelated
for the US re/divorce epidemic is one or both
psychologically-wounded partners committing to the wrong
(partner + kids + ex mate/s and kin), at the wrong time, for the wrong
With such clients, the definition of
effective clinical work becomes (a) compassionately facilitating couples to
make three wise commitment choices, and (b) preparing couples to
(eventually) accept of the [wounds + unawareness] cycle that may
threaten them and any living and future descendents.
|
This Break the Cycle! self-improvement
and nonprofit, ad-free site exist to protect courting couples
and their descendents and society from probable divorce trauma,
and help them co-create stable, satisfying high-nurturance families. |
To gain perspective on special skills needed effective clinical work with
this type of client family, first study...
-
this summary of five typical stepfamily
(re/marital) hazards;
-
this summary of biofamily-stepfamily
differences, and common stepfamily
myths and realities;
-
this quiz
on stepfamily basics,
-
this
overview of co-parent
-
these questions
ands answers typical courting co-parents should research, and...
-
this real-life stepfamily
example,
Now
reflect on how much of this information typical courting co-parents and
their supporters have acquired and accepted as pertinent to their
situation. My experience is - well
under 5%. Implication: typical courting and committed stepfamily
couples and their supporters don't know what they need to know, and often
resist admitting this - specially if they're unrecovering Grown Wounded
Children in denial.
Special clinical knowledge and skills are
required for effective clinical service to divorcing family systems which
include one or two parents who are seriously dating a new partner - with or
without biochildren. The legal and any Catholic divorce and annulment
processes may or may not be completed. Such families are already multi-home
psychological stepfamilies, though adults (including ex mates and relatives)
often minimize or deny this.
The more common of two scenarios is one or both adult partners seeking
professional help to learn what they need to evolve a successful remarriage
and stepfamily - i.e. to guard themselves and their kids against
another divorce trauma. They may term this "education," or
"pre-(re)marital counseling." Often, presenting needs focus on preventing
future (step)family and re/marital problems, rather than solving current
(surface) problems. The second scenario is the dating co-parents do want to
resolve pre-stepfamily surface problems - e.g. relations with a "difficult"
ex spouse, or kids' initial adverse reaction to their bioparent dating a new
partner.
In both scenarios, one or both partners are usually...
-
unaware of being dominated by a false self,
(significantly wounded and needy),
-
minimizing or denying current relationship
stresses and warning signs,
-
unaware of - and often resistant to
genuinely admitting (a) their stepfamily identity and (b) related
realities and (c) hazards, and (d) their ex mates' full membership in
their pre-legal stepfamily, and...
-
deny, minimize, and/or rationalize these.
Extra
Clinical Skills Needed for
Stepfamily Mates in Denial
In addition to the general and courting-couple skills, clinicians working
with stepfamilies who's couples deny any significant partnership problems
need skills like these:
Recap
This page summarizes the second
requisite for effective clinical outcomes with these complex
:
(a) general special skills, and (b) 19 special skills for each
phase of the work. Clinicians who haven't fully accepted how
different average divorcing-family and stepfamily clients are from intact
biofamilies are apt to discount the need for these special skills.
Restated: it will take average licensed clinicians several years
and several dozen client families of all six types to really appreciate the need for and impact of
these many special skills.
Clinicians, supervisors, and colleagues who need to deny (a) significant
psychological wounds and (b) how different these client families are, are apt to
c/overtly trivialize or discount the need for these special skills.
That risks providing
ineffective long-term help to client families and leaving their descendents
vulnerable to inheriting significant psychological wounds and ignorance and
passing them on.
Reality check: on a scale of one (I
believe these skills are not needed or useful) to ten (I believe that clinicians
must proactively develop all these special skills for effective outcomes
with these clients), I am now a __.
This page continues an outline of
four requisites for
professional service to typical childhood-trauma survivors and divorcing-family and stepfamily clients:
The
prior pages outlines the special knowledge
requirements, requisite self-awareness and process
awareness, and general clinical skills required for all
of clients covered by this model. This page summarizes special clinical
skills required for each phase of the work
with these clients:
-
adjusting to divorce or mate-death,
-
pre-stepfamily courtship,
-
committed stepfamily couples denying primary-relationship problems,
-
committed stepfamily couples admitting
such problems,
-
re/divorcing stepfamilies; and...
-
families in any of these phases where at
least one adult
of childhood trauma is motivated to reduce their psychological wounds and
harmonized their personality subselves. This may be individual or family
work.
These pages offer many hyperlinks to popups and more detailed articles. To
get the most from this page, you may
want to read the whole page first without following any links, and then go
back and explore the links.
1) Clinical Skills Needed for Divorcing-biofamily Clients
For perspective on working with these needy, multi-problem client families, study this
perspective on the current US divorce
epidemic, this slide presentation
on divorce, and this worksheet on
divorce-recovery status before continuing here. The general skills on
the prior page should be adequate for most families adjusting to the death
of an adult or child.
Effective clinical work with these families requires unique clinical knowledge and these special skills in clinicians,
supervisors, consultants, and program and/or clinical directors:
-
If the couple is court-ordered to get
mediation and/or therapy, meld this
perspective with your own;
-
help
divorcing partners
and their families
to...
-
stabilize any personal and family crises,
and...
-
if appropriate, help couples evaluate whether legal divorce is their best
long-term choice, including...
-
assessing each partner's
how well each need has been filled, and what prevents filling unmet
needs; and
-
whether or not to use a qualified
marriage counseling (you?) and/or a professional
mediator.
If the decision to divorce is firm,
then...
-
Devise and implement an effective
family-reorganization plan, and (b) manage their changes cooperatively. This includes helping
divorcing parents...
-
Evolve viable, stable
co-parenting and child-custody
agreements, and possibly stabilizing and reducing the need for legal
orders of protection; and...
-
Educate parents on the special divorce
adjustment needs of their minor kids, and assess each child's current
status with them,
-
If presenting problems include one or more
children "acting out," assess how best to help each child while working
with the whole family system. This may justify finding an appropriate
co-therapist and/or clinical program and coordinating the work with
them;
-
Maintain their personal and family
through the stressful legal divorce process.
this may involve working with adversarial attorneys and a Guardian ad
Litem (children's attorney), family-court judges, mediators, and/or
court-appointed custody evaluators for many months. If your client has
been ordered by the court to "get counseling," see
this. And...
-
Evaluate and achieve
effective divorce recovery over time. Some clients may need special help to
resolve problems from marital
family violence, sexual traumas, legal and financial problems, including
bankruptcy; someone's
- including
-
(a) Acknowledge and (b) permanently
reduce significant
to cooperative child-nurturance over time.
-
Many divorcing Catholic families need
empathic, knowledgeable assistance to navigate the difficult church
annulment process, which may overlap with legal divorce and extend
beyond it.
-
Help
adults and kids to (a) acknowledge (vs. deny, repress, intellectualize,
or ignore) and grieve and adjust to
biofamily reorganization (splitting into two co-parenting homes)
following parental death or divorce, and (b) understanding and patiently
achieving genuine divorce recovery
before making stepfamily
commitments;
-
Help the client's extended-family system (a)
understand, (b) accept (vs. deny), and (c) adjust to their divorce-related losses and changes.
Think of several divorcing-family clients,
and comparing the work with them to this clinical-goal and skill summary. Clinicians will
usually not be able to cover all these goals adequately, and will
need to triage their time and efforts to achieve the best long-term systemic
changes that limits allow.
Typical stressed divorcing-family
clients will probably focus short-term relief (surface-problem reduction),
and will not be able to focus on a long-term systemic goals. In such cases,
a special clinical skill is weaving long-term suggestions into short-term
work. ("For your kids' sakes, you'll probably want to improve your adult
communication and problem-solving skills over time, won't you?")
|
In my experience, almost all
divorcing families are headed by survivors of childhood trauma -
(GWCs). Few (no?) such adults are aware of the [wounds + unawareness]
that promoted their and their kids' psychological
Unless divorcing adults are middle-aged and have clearly hit
it's usually premature to suggest they commit to personal
while they grieve and adapt to divorce-related losses and changes. It
is appropriate to plant
seeds (comments, handouts, etc.) about the cycle's toxic
and eventual personal wound-recovery. If one or both divorcing adults are
ready to commit to wound recovery, see
this. |
The more knowledgeable and skilled a clinician is at facilitating client
progress on this mosaic of systemic goals, the higher the odds of avoiding
and minimizing future stepfamily stresses.
2) Extra Skills Needed
for Courting-couple Clients
The most fruitful time to
help prevent major stepfamily stress and probable re/di-vorce is during a
couple's courtship - when they are least likely to seek professional help.
This is why informed
clergy asked to officiate at a
re/marriage have an unparalleled chance to assess and alert couples
to whether they're making wise
or not. The minority of couples who seek pre-re/marital counseling are usually less
wounded than those who don't.
This means that clinicians and social-service organizations working with
divorcing families and stepfamilies should value divorce
prevention, and proactively offer
pre-re/marital education to their community via seminars, classes, Web sites
and referrals, and printed materials.
This unique
guidebook for courting couples integrates key Web materials from
this nonprofit, ad-free site.
|
With courting couples, effective clinical work can be
defined as "motivating both partners to (a) assess for psychological wounds , and (b) commit to learning stepfamily
facts,
realities,
and
in order to (c) honestly assess whether they should co-commit to
forming or joining a stepfamily at this time. Achieving this
requires special clinical knowledge, traits, and skills -
particularly with wounded suitors.
|
Among the range of extra skills needed, these are key: clinicians need
to be able to...
-
Prepare the couple to participate
patiently in a thorough pre-commitment assessment (below);
-
Assess (a) each partner and each co-parenting ex mate for
significant psychological wounds, (b) whether the couple is
aware of any wounds, and what they
and (c) whether any co-parents are now in meaningful personal
or not;
-
Assess the degree of
divorce-recovery in
each family of divorcing adults children;
-
Assess (a) the couple's degree of
motivation to learn the stepfamily factors above, and (b)
their level of current knowledge about each of them;
-
Assess whether the couple
themselves and their kids and other co-parents as a stepfamily
now, and
in their stepfamily.
-
Assess each mate's attitudes about
these
key topics, and suggest
changing any that degrade their stepfamily's relationships and
-
Assess (a) the couple's current knowledge of
effective communication basics and
and (b) the compatibility of their styles of
problem-solving;
-
Assess the couple's (a) knowledge of
grief basics, (b) current
and (c) each partner's status in grieving their respective major
childhood and prior-relationship losses (broken bonds). Also (d)
assess their respective kids
for
of incomplete or blocked grief, and whether the couple is
alert to this - and knows what to do about it or not.
-
Assess the specific personal
that each partner expects to fill by committing to their partner, and how
realistic these expectations may be;
-
Assess each partner's current life
and whether s/he is genuinely prepared to put personal health and
integrity first, their primary relationship second, and all else -
including kids' local needs - third, except in emergencies. If
either partner believes "In family conflicts, the kids' needs
should always come first," RED LIGHT!
-
Assess the couple's willingness to
honestly (a) evaluate and discuss whether any of these
apply to their psychological stepfamily now, and then to (b)
fill out this multi-part pre-commitment
questionnaire and discuss their
findings thoroughly.
Option - go through this questionnaire with the couple, over
several sessions.
-
(a) Explain your conclusions from all these assessments,
in terms of the couple's degree of readiness to co-commit now; and
(b) know how to anticipate and respond to any questions and/or
objections. Significantly-wounded couples (Grown Wounded Children in
denial) are apt to c/overtly ignore or reject any conclusions that
they're not fully ready to co-commit.
-
Assess the courting couple's motivation to commit to work together
on these self-improvement
before
co-committing. Option suggest they use this Web site,
and/or the related guidebook
above.
-
(a) Motivate the couple to learn more
about any of these topics they need to, and (b) facilitate their
learning as appropriate.
-
Refer the couple to useful sources of
knowledge and
support as they prepare to make
wise commitment decisions for themselves and their
descendents.
Note
that there are at least three current national and many local programs
offering to help couples evaluate their pre-re/marital readiness and
compatibility:
Prepare/Enrich-MC,
FOCCUS, and
RELATE-remarriage. As far
as I know, none of these currently include the full array of assessments
above. Though incomplete, they are still useful. Alert couples who use
any of these that if they conclude they're ready to re/marry, they're
still at major risk of redivorce because of these combined
Option - search the Web on "remarriage preparation" or similar to
learn about current programs and resources. A helpful related link
(11/06) is About.com's
article on marriage-preparation options.
The third of these
is probably the most common: one co-parent or
a couple seeking to resolve non-remarital stepfamily stressors. Special clinical skills needed to to help such stepfamilies effectively are
summarized in the next section.
3) Extra
Clinical Skills Needed for
Stepfamily Mates in Denial
|
With these client families, effective clinical work can be defined as (a)
assessing accurately for marital problems and likely psychological wounds (in
addition to the assessments above), (b)
helping couples break their denials of significant relationship problems and
(c) motivating them to start reducing them together, while (d) helping
co-parents reduce other family stressors. Clinicians get "extra
points" if they can also interest one or both partners in learning about
their subselves, and perhaps try parts work as part of improving their
relationship. The alternative is to "plant seeds" about wounds and recovery,
and let go. |
In addition to the general and courting-couple skills
above, clinicians working
with these clients need abilities to...
-
Select among options like
these if the family is
court-ordered to seek clinical help;
-
Consider these
options if the client is limited
in the number of sessions they can afford;
-
Explain that typical multi-home stepfamilies
are usually confronted by many concurrent problems at once, so
co-parents need to be able to (a) clearly
and (b) rank-order their set of
(unmet needs) in order to (c)
together, over time.
-
Assess whether each co-parent genuinely
accepts their
as a stepfamily, and understands what that
If not, use Project-3 and
4 interventions as appropriate.
-
(a) Assess whether either mate made up to
three unwise courtship decisions, and if so, (b) empathically confront
them about what this may mean. Use Project-7
interventions if/as appropriate.
-
Assess the couple's recent actual (vs.
intellectual) life
priorities. If their relationship is not firmly second in
non-emergency family conflicts, confront the couple that this probably
means: (a) one or both are probably ruled by a false self, (b) their
relationship will probably decay, (c) their stepfamily
will
inexorably decline, and (d) unless they change their priorities, they
and their dependent kids are at major risk of future re/divorce trauma.
-
Assess the couple's knowledge of
communication basics and
and their style of problem-solving.
In particular, assess how the couple usually copes with values and
loyalty conflicts, and associated relationship triangles. Facilitate
effective couple and family communication as needed with appropriate
Lesson-2 interventions.
-
Assess each partner for (a) knowledge of
healthy-grieving basics, and (b)
incomplete or
of childhood and prior-family losses. Then (c) use
Lesson-3 interventions as appropriate;
-
Assess the stepfamily system for past and
current
and how family adults and kids are coping with any you find. If anyone
seems to be addicted, see this
and this for options.
-
Assess the client-family's status in merging
their several biofamilies, and use Project-9
interventions as appropriate;
-
Assess for significant
to co-parental teamwork with stepkids' other co-parents (ex mates and
any stepparents). Facilitate ranking and reducing any you find, within
situational limits. Ideally, this requires motivating the other
co-parents and any key relatives to join the work.
-
Assess each stepchild's reported status on
(a) filling their age-appropriate
developmental needs, and (b) their progress on filling their set of
family adjustment needs. Assess
co-parents' knowledge of these and
effective-parenting basics, and how family co-parents are trying to
fill each child's needs. Ideally, do this in several family sessions
with kids present.
-
Assess the multi-home nuclear stepfamily's
structure for significant problems,
and discuss and decide what to do about any you find;
-
Assess and discuss the client family's
strengths, using some version of this
inventory;
-
Assess the couple's personal, marital, and
family support systems, and promote any needed improvements with
appropriate Lesson-11 interventions.
This includes assessing the nurturance
level of the
the client family is part of.
-
After all these assessments, judge if and when to empathically confront
the couple that they are denying or minimizing serious
relationship problems (unmet needs), and what that probably means:
-
they may have made unwise courtship
decisions, which cannot be reversed;
-
one or both partners is probably a
in protective
and needs to (a) hit
and (b) commit to long-term personal recovery for their and any kids'
sakes;
-
focusing on reducing other presenting
stepfamily stressors will probably not fill unmet
long term.
If the couple is willing to shift to focusing on relationship work,
their stepfamily becomes a "type-4" client. See the next page for special
skills needed to work effectively with them. If the couple is not ready
to break protective denials, then work to facilitate their improving
their presenting (surface) problems, and seed Project 8 (re/marital) interventions as you do.
This page outlines clinical skills
needed for stepfamily couples who admit relationship problems and are
motivated to reduce them, while managing other concurrent stepfamily
stressors. Recall that the "/" in re/marriage notes that it may be a
stepparent's first union.
4)
Clinical Skills Needed for
Effective Re/marital Work
To gain perspective on this section, first read these premises about
relationships,
re/marriage, and relationship
problems; these
questions and answers; and these
overviews of co-parent Projects 7 and
8.
From 25 years' experience, this clinical model suggests that typical
psychological or legal stepfamily re/divorces are caused by a mix of
To get the most from this section,
first read (a) these overviews of
Project 8, normal relationship needs,
and step-family re/marriage; and then
(b) scan
of articles on common re/marital problems in stepfamilies.
Typical presenting problems with these clients will be a mix of re/marital
and other stepfamily problems ranging from preventive to correctable to
terminal. If one or both mates have decided to re/divorce psychologically or
legally, see this.
If one or both mates or other family
members have committed to reduce psychological wounds, see
this.
What's Different about
Stepfamily Re/marriage?
From one perspective, stepfamily
re/marriage
is no different than a first marriage: each partner seeks to
steadily fill a mix of personal
by their union. However, the
re/marital environment in typical stepfamilies is far more stressful
than typical first marriages because...
-
One or both mates married and probably
divorced at least once before. This may raise their motivation to
change core attitudes and behaviors to avoid the trauma of another
dissolution.
-
Dead or alive, stepkids' "other bioparent"
and new partner (if any) and their relatives cause more
and
conflicts and associated relationship
than for typical first-married mates.
-
Stepfamily couples seeking help are often
approaching or in middle age (e.g. 35+), and some or all of their kids are teens or
young adults. Raising stepteens
can be more problematic than younger kids. Being middle aged may mean that mates are closer to admitting and
working to reduce psychological wounds from childhood trauma than younger
partners.
-
Often, one or both mates has have held
unrealistic expectations about their
stepfamily's
relationships,
development, and dynamics.
-
Typical stepfamily mates face more concurrent family-merger,
co-parenting, and other
than typical first-marriage couples. Unless the mates are well
prepared,
and guided by their respective
this often means they make too little
time to nourish their relationship.
-
Some couples may have triggered significant
relationship problems by having one or more
"ours" children
(half-siblings); and...
-
There is usually less empathy and
informed support in couple's
local community and the media than for
first-married mates.
|
With these complex, multi-problem stepfamilies,
effective clinical
work can be defined as "helping couples to (a)
want
to change recent
attitudes, and behaviors to fill
more of their respective relationship needs
while (b) accepting their stepfamily
and learning appropriate norms
and facts, and (c) managing other stepfamily
together; or to (d) accept that their re/marriage is not viable,
and begin to grieve and plan a
successful re/divorce." |
The best case occurs when re/marital stress promotes one or both
mates hitting
breaking protective
and starting to
significant false-self
In my experience, this is
the exception rather than the norm with these clients. If this happens,
the clinician needs these special skills.
To work effectively with these
complex multi-problem clients, clinicians need all the general and special skills above (and the
other requisites), and know if, how, and when to...
-
...adapt to the implications and limitations if the couple is
court-ordered to get mediation
and/or therapy;
-
...propose the [wounds + unawareness]
and the related common five re/marital
to the couple, and discuss how this relates to
their relationship and stepfamily;
-
...define, separate, prioritize, and stay
steadily focused on filling
unmet re/marital needs amidst a dynamic mosaic
of other concurrent stepfamily stressors; and...
-
...assess whether each partner's true
rank their relationship second or not, after personal health and
integrity. If not, know how and when to confront the couple with the
re/marital and co-parenting implications of this. And effective
clinicians need to know how, and when to...
-
...assess whether each mate's
are genuinely willing to make
to improve their relationship.
It this seems unlikely, review realistic
options and outcomes with the couple; and to ...
-
...(a) assess whether either mate's false-self
committed to wrong people in courtship (e.g. a significantly wounded,
unaware divorcing parents and kids). (b) If so, know if, how,
and when to
the couple with this opinion, and
that it may mean
their relationship isn't viable, long-term;
-
...facilitate the couple realistically
assessing whether their relationship is viable if they can learn
to manage other stepfamily stressors well enough, or if it is fundamentally not viable;
-
...shift comfortably between family, dyadic
(marital), and individual clinical modalities as needed;
-
...be
fluent with strategic use of other Project-8
interventions, including assessing for
and
-
...know
if, when, and how, to
present the concepts of significant false-self
and self-motivated
recovery from them. If one or both mates decide to recover, shift to
"type six" interventions.
-
...assess the couple's (a)
and (b) openness to learning to use Lesson-2
together, whether they stay together or not.
-
...
whether blocked grief may be a significant re/marital stressor, and if
so, review options for freeing it up
with the couple.
As
with the other five client types addressed by this model, this summary of
special requisite skills is illustrative, not comprehensive.
5) Extra
Clinical Skills Needed for
Re/divorcing Families
To gain perspective on this requisites section, first read these...
"Re/divorce"
is a mental/emotional/legal decision and/or an
unacknowledged psychological reality that may not have invoked the legal
system. Usually one mate seeks clinical help at this
stage rather than the couple.
Common presenting problems may include (a) the need to vent; (b) justifying the
decision to end the relationship, (c) easing depression (grief),
and/or situational
(d) helping kids grieve and adjust; and (e) clarifying "what went wrong?"
(part of mental grieving);
and/or (f) exploring reconciliation.
Persons of strong
religious (vs. spiritual) faith may also need to relieve excessive
and
over
(a) sinning or "breaking my covenant with God," and perhaps
(b) adapting to
disapproval and rejection by key pious relatives, friends, and/or their religious community.
Often, one or both re/divorcing mates are
(GWCs) in denial, and are unaware of this, why it's relevant, and/or what to
do about it. If the person was divorced before, s/he is confronted with (a)
being a middle-aged "two-time loser," (b) putting any kids through two
(or more) sets of losses and heartache, and (c) facing the
possible/probable horror of
being alone in old age.
|
With re/divorcing
client-families, effective clinical work can be defined
as (a) helping family members sort out and validate their
needs, feelings, and boundaries; (b) promoting appropriate
grieving and support in all stepfamily members, and (c) helping
the partners evolve and implement a realistic plan for a "successful
re/divorce," over time, within their limits.
|
For effective outcomes, clinicians need all the general and special skills
above, and these:
6)
Clinical Skills Needed When Clients Commit to Wound-recovery
Recap
This four-page series summarizes the
third personal trait needed for effective clinical outcomes with these complex
:
(a) general special clinical skills, and (b) special skills for each
of six client types. Clinicians who haven't fully accepted how
different average divorcing-family and stepfamily clients are from intact
biofamilies are apt to discount the need for these special skills.
Restated: it will take average licensed clinicians several years
and several dozen client families of all six types to really appreciate the need for and impact of
these many special skills.
Clinicians, supervisors, and colleagues who need to deny (a) significant
psychological wounds and (b) how different these client families are, are apt to
c/overtly trivialize or discount the need for these special skills.
That risks providing
ineffective long-term help to client families and leaving their descendents
vulnerable to inheriting significant psychological wounds and ignorance and
passing them on.
Reality check: on a scale of one (I
believe these skills are not needed or useful) to ten (I believe that clinicians
must proactively develop all these special skills for effective outcomes
with these clients), I am now a __.
Continue with the third of
five requisites for effective service to trauma-survivors and divorcing-family and stepfamily
clients: special personal traits.
+ + +
<<
Prior page /
Add to favorites
/
Print page
/
Email this page's address
>>
site intro / course outline / site search / definitions / chat / contact
The
Web address of this four-page article is https://sfhelp.org/pro/req/skills.htm