Lesson 6 of 7 - Learn how to parent effectively

Q&A about
 Effective Parenting
in Divorcing Families
and Stepfamilies

By Peter K. Gerlach, MSW
Member NSRC Experts Council

The Web address of this article is https://sfhelp.org/parent/divorce/qa.htm

Updated  04-28-2015

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      This is one of several Lesson-6 articles on how to parent effectively when mates divorce. These articles augment, vs. replace, other qualified professional help. The "/" in re/marriage and re/divorce notes that it may be a stepparent's first union. "Co-parents" means both bio(logical) parents, or any of the three or more related stepparents and bioparents co-managing a multi-home nuclear stepfamily.

      This article assumes you're familiar with...

  • the intro to this Web site and the premises underlying it 

  • self-improvement lessons 1 thru 6 (or 7, for stepfamilies)

  • Q&A about divorce, marriage, parenting, and stepfamilies 

  • how to manage a family during divorce; and...

  • typical kids' developmental and family-adjustment needs
     

      Typical divorcing parents and stepfamily adults are challenged to fill minor kids' needs and their own effectively despite many conflicts and distractions. Traditional intact-family parenting norms often no longer apply

      This brief YouTube video highlights some of what typical minor kids need after parental divorce. The video mentions eight lessons in this self-improvement Web site - I've reduced that to seven:

      The questions below come from my 36 years' experience working with hundreds of divorcing and stepfamily adults and kids. The answers here are brief, and most include links to more detailed information.  

  Questions Parents Should Ask After Divorce and Re/marriage

1) How can I tell how "functional" or "healthy" our multi-home family is?

2) What are the key problems that typical divorcing or widowed parents need to resolve, and how long does resolution usually take?

3) What are the typical adjustment needs of minor kids whose parents separate, divorce psychologically or legally, or die? Do typical stepkids have additional needs? Do average adult kids have these same needs?

4) When does a stepfamily begin - i.e. when do stepfamily dynamics start to affect typical adults and kids?

5) Is co-parenting in typical divorcing families and stepfamilies harder than in average intact biofamilies? If so, why? What does this mean to average co-parents and kids?

6) How can family adults best prepare themselves and minor kids for a bioparent re/marrying or cohabiting?

7) Who comprises a stepchild's nuclear family? If family adults and/or kids disagree on this, what should co-parents do?

8) What do divorcing bioparents and stepfamily co-parents need to know about family management and effective childcare? Where can they learn if their role and relationship expectations are realistic?

9) What are common barriers to co-parents nurturing cooperatively after divorce and/or re/marriage, and how can the adults reduce these barriers?

10) What is a co-parenting style, and how can divorcing and stepfamily co-parents best resolve major style conflicts?

11)  If a stepparent has no prior child-raising experience (or none with boys, girls, or teens), should they have equal say in nurturing a stepchild? What if stepfamily members disagree on this?

12)  If a stepparent has biochildren, should s/he feel guilty or ashamed if s/he honestly cares more for them than their stepkids?

13)  Is it wrong for a bioparent to expect their new mate and kids to love each other? Yes.

14)  What can new mates do if a co-parenting ex-spouse or relative demands that a child reject or disobey their stepparent?

15)  Is there a "best way" for typical bioparents and stepparents to resolve serious disputes over nurturing minor or grown kids? Yes!

16)  Is there a best way that co-parents can manage major changes to their multi-home family's structure, assets, membership, values, roles, and rituals?

17)  Some authorities say in a conflict, (a) a re/married bioparent should put their child's needs ahead of their partner's needs, and (b) the stepparent should accept this. Is this opinion valid? No. 

18)  What is a family mission statement and a co-parenting fob description, and why are they each essential in most divorcing families and stepfamilies?

19)  (a) What is effective child discipline, and (b) what if divorcing or re/married co-parents can't agree on disciplinary rules and consequences in and between a minor child's two homes?

20)  What are the pros and cons of using lawyers to resolve co-parenting disputes?

Q & A about Common Stepfamily Co-parenting Problems

21)  One or more of our co-parents doesn't care - or vehemently denies - that we're a stepfamily. Is this a significant problem? Yes!

22)  How can co-parents best prepare themselves and dependent kids for the re/marriage or re/divorce of a bioparent?

23)  How can co-parents best prepare themselves and dependent kids for the conception  and birth of a new ("ours") child?

24)  How can co-parents best prepare themselves and dependent kids for a child changing custodial homes, or moving out for good?

25)  Is it better to keep biological sibling living together, rather than splitting physical custody between bioparents?  Usually yes

26)  We're conflicted over names and titles in our stepfamily. Are there any guidelines we can use to resolve this? Yes. Read and discuss this and this

27)  Is there a best way to resolve co-parent disputes over child financial support, including insurance coverages and wills?  Yes

28)  What if co-parents can't agree on child visitation or custody arrangements?

29)  What if a minor child resists visiting their noncustodial parent's home?

30)  Is there a best way to handle one bioparent withholding child visitations from their ex mate? Yes.

31)  Is there a best way for co-parents to handle sexual attraction between a stepparent and stepchild? Between stepsiblings? Yes.

32)  How should co-parents handle a grandparent or other relative clearly treating their grandkids better than their step-grandkids (favoritism)?

33)  Is there a best way to resolve complex divorced-family or stepfamily disputes over holidays, vacations, and special celebrations? Yes.

34)  Are there any practical guidelines for co-parents to manage major disputes over religion, race, or sexual preference? Yes.

35)  Are there special guidelines for communicating with teens? Yes.

36)  What are some helpful resource for stepfamily co-parents? See this and this.

Note these Q&A items about stepparenting and stepchildren.

   If you don't see your question here, please ask!

Answers

Q1)  How can I tell how "functional" or "healthy" our divorcing family or stepfamily is?

       A family functions well if it fills most members' primary needs (nurtures) enough of the time, according to each member. Over time, adults and kids need to satisfy a dynamic mix of personal, relationship, and change-adjustment needs.

      Well-functioning (high-nurturance) families have common behavioral traits, and their adults have few symptoms of psychological wounds. Use the linked articles to estimate a family's nurturance level or "functionality" (low to high).

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Q2)  What are the key parenting problems that typical divorcing or widowed adults need to resolve, and how long does resolution usually take?

      Every adult and child has basic adjustment needs to fill when parents divorce or when a mate dies. Typical adults and kids are only vaguely aware of vital needs like these...

  • grieve physical and invisible losses, and regain interest in pursuing their life purposes and dreams; and...

  • adjust and stabilize their personal identities ("I am now a divorced father"), securities, and key relationships; and...

  • keep their personal balances as they do these difficult tasks while filling their underlying primary needs over many months; and they need to...

  • seek and accept appropriate human and spiritual help to accomplish these tasks and maintain or regain their wholistic health. 

      Depending on many factors, adults can begin these adjustments well before a divorce or foreseen death, and may take up to a dozen years or more to "complete" (accept) them and really stabilize.

      Two factors that affect how long this adjustment period takes are whether the person is significantly  wounded, and whether they live in a social environment (family + friends + workplace + any church community) that promotes healthy grieving.

      A key factor in serious courtship after divorce or mate death is assessing how far along each divorcing or widowed partner and related minor child is in this multi-level adjustment process. The answer helps in choosing the right time to form or join a stepfamily.

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Q3)  What are the typical adjustment needs of minor kids whose parents separate, divorce psychologically or legally or die? Do typical stepkids have additional needs? Do average adult kids have these same needs?

      All kids must fill basic developmental needs to prepare for successful adult independence. Typical children raised in low-nurturance families also need to heal psychological wounds. Average children whose parents split up also have up to a dozen additional needs to adjust to all the changes in their lives. Their parents have similar needs.

      When a single parent starts to date seriously, their minor kids can experience up to 12 more adjustment needs. They may not have filled their family-breakup needs when these new ones appear. Most kids can't describes these needs, and typical caregivers are only hazily aware of them. Reality check: try naming these common adjustment needs before following the links above.

      Bottom line: typical minor and grown stepkids can have two to four sets of concurrent needs to fill, often with little informed adult guidance. This is why it's vital that courting co-parents study Lesson 7 and choose the right time to form or join a stepfamily.

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Q4)  When does a stepfamily begin - i.e. when do stepfamily dynamics start to affect typical adults and kids?

      A stepfamily begins psychologically when a single parent starts to date a new partner (a potential stepparent) "seriously." As bonding and intimacy grow, all related adults and kids begin to experience common problems. The sooner couples acknowledge their stepfamily identity and what this identity means, the more they're apt to make wise commitment decisions for themselves and minor kids.

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Q5)  Is co-parenting in typical divorcing families and stepfamilies harder than in average intact biofamilies? If so - why, and what does this mean to average co-parents and kids?

      Here, co-parenting means "the ongoing process of adults helping each other identify and fill their and their kids'' primary needs." Compared to typical bioparents, co-parents in average divorcing families and stepfamilies have a harder time doing this well because...

  • there are more people, relationships, roles, people, and competing needs; and...

  • more concurrent conflicts and distractions, and usually...

  • less informed help.

      This means that without special adult awareness, dedication, and help, the nurturance level of typical divorcing families and stepfamilies will be lower than healthy intact biofamilies. That implies that,,,

  • their kids and adults are more likely to develop or increase significant psychological wounds,

  • pick wounded partners,

  • suffer significant health consequences and secondary problems over their lives; and possibly...

  • re/divorce psychologically or legally.

      Couples studying and discussing this course starting in courtship can guard against this!

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Q6)  How can family adults best prepare themselves and dependent kids for a bioparent re/marrying and/or cohabiting?

      Choosing a new mate and/or combining households will cause major changes in two or more related co-parenting homes. Courting partners can minimize disruption and conflict from these changes by...

  • acknowledging these five universal hazards and the lethal [wounds + unawareness] cycle; and...

  • all adults studying, discussing, and applying this self-improvement course well before any commitment or cohabiting decisions - specially, adults...

  • helping each other free their true Selves to guide them all and guard their kids (Lesson 1).

Reluctance to take these steps probably indicates significant psychological wounds and unawareness in mates and their relatives.

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Q7)  Who comprises a stepchild's nuclear family? If family members disagree on this, what should co-parents do?

      A "nuclear family" traditionally refers to all people regularly living in a child's principle home - usually bioparents and siblings. This is also true of a stepchild whose custodial bioparent is a re/married widow/er. Minor stepkids of divorcing parents often move back and forth between each bioparent's home, so their nuclear stepfamily is all adults and kids regularly living in both homes. This can eventually includes one or two stepparents; both bioparents; any biological, step, and half-siblings; and any other live-in relatives.

      Some adults or kids may want to exclude some residents of the non-custodial parent's home from belonging to their nuclear stepfamily. This is specially true if the rejecters deny their stepfamily identity  ("We're just a family, period!"). Such exclusions usually..

  • cause clusters of stressful loyalty conflicts and relationship triangles in and between both homes,

  • confuse everyone, and...

  • hinder the growth of healthy new stepfamily relationships and bonds.

      Couples can minimize this stress by investing time and effort in Lessons 1-7, ideally before committing and cohabiting. Any adults' or child's reluctance to accept their stepfamily identity and/or to include an ex mate or step-relative (a membership conflict) suggests unawareness, psychological wounding, and  probably  incomplete grief.

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Q8)  What do divorcing bioparents and stepfamily co-parents need to know about family management and effective childcare? Where can they learn if their role and relationship expectations are realistic?

      Typical family adults and supporters need to study and discuss Lessons 1 thru 6 or 7 here. To gauge the realism of your stepfamily expectations, see and discuss this article and this worksheet.

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Q9)  What are common barriers to co-parents nurturing cooperatively after divorce and/or re/marriage, and how can the adults reduce these barriers?

      Typical divorcing and stepfamily co-parents face a mix of up to nine related barriers to forming an effective caregiving team. The core barriers are psychological wounds and adult unawareness. This article outlines effective options for reducing these barriers together and raising your (step)family's nurturance level  over time. For more perspective, see this article on improving ex-mate relations.

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Q10)  What is a co-parenting style, and how can divorcing and stepfamily co-parents best resolve major style conflicts?

      Every bioparent and stepparent develops a caregiving style - a set of values, priorities, goals, and behaviors that shape how they nurture their dependent and grown kids. Typical style factors are...

  • nurturing from the heart (being able to bond with and truly respect and love each unique child), vs. nurturing intellectually ("by the book") or dutifully (weak or no real bond);

  • being reactive and passive (having few or no clear co-parenting goals or plans) or proactive and involved (having clear goals and a coherent plan to reach them for each child;

  • intentionally learning kids' needs (reading books, taking classes, asking questions), or parenting instinctively ("I already know what children need");

  • focusing mainly on the kids' current and long-term needs, or valuing co-parents' and children's needs equally;

  • valuing and modeling spirituality and spiritual growth as an essential part of effective childcare, vs. intellectualizing, ignoring, or scorning those;

      More elements in a co-parenting style...

  • disciplining children to punish bad behavior, (cause pain) or to teach good behavior and self-respect;

  • ranking co-parenting as a low or high personal priority  amidst other things like self-interest, re/marriage, work, money, socializing, etc.;

  • seeing childcare as a stimulating, rewarding privilege, or an onerous chore to be endured; and...

  • expecting kids to solve their own problems, vs. patiently guiding them toward learning how to solve their problems with appropriate instruction and help.

      Which of these style-factors do you feel are most important, long term? Can you think of other key co-parenting factors that mesh or conflict in your past or current family? Note that these factors also shape co-grandparents' and other adults' nurturing styles.

      Style factors like these are individual values or preferences. They're based more on ancestry, upbringing, and personality than "logic." If adults' styles clash significantly, their kids need them to want to reduce any relationship barriers (Q10 above), and to forge an effective strategy together for spotting and resolving values conflicts and relationship triangles. Do your family adults have such strategies yet? If not, who's responsible for creating them?

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Q11)  If a stepparent has no prior child-raising experience (or none with boys, or girls, or teens), should s/he have equal say in nurturing a stepchild? What if stepfamily members disagree on this?

      Childless stepparents' lack of caregiving experience can causes conflicts in and between new-stepfamily homes. Bioparents can love their new mate, and distrust and/or disagree with her or his childcare beliefs, judgment, and actions. ("You expect way to much from my daughter.")

      Even if a stepparent has extensive parenting experience, most authorities agree that it's generally best to let the bioparents make most major co-parenting decisions in the first year or so after cohabiting, until some trust  bonding, and respect have grown..

      If stepfamily relatives disagree significantly over how much childcare authority a stepparent has, partners need to (a) agree on their shared priorities, and (b) learn how to recognize and resolve values and loyalty conflicts and relationship triangles. Are your family adults clear on these yet? If not, see this.

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Q12)  If a stepparent has biochildren, should s/he feel guilty or ashamed if s/he honestly cares more for them than their stepkids?

       "Blood is thicker than water" is a folk-saying meaning genetic bonds are usually stronger than legal bonds or friendships. It's usually instinctive to favor your own child over a stepchild, even if the latter has been in your life for years. Stepparents can strive to be fair and impartial between biokids and stepkids, but if they feel a preference, shame or guilt is as unwarranted as for digesting food or coughing.

      Guilt blooms from believing you've broken someone's rule - a should (not), must (not), can't, have to, ought to.... "Love your children equally" is a biofamily reflex and rule which often doesn't apply to average stepfamilies. There are exceptions. If some of your stepfamily members disagree with this point of view, you have a values conflict to resolve.

      Pretending you feel no preference when actions show otherwise sends a double message which raises distrust, and confusion and lowers respect. A practical option can be to say something like "Yes, if the house were on fire, I'd probably think of my children's safety first, but in non-fire times, I'm trying hard to treat everyone the same. Each of you (children) is special to me in your own way." For perspective, see this article on managing three universal family stressors.

      Keep in mind that after family reorganizations like parental separation and re/marriage, minor kids instinctively need to test and retest to prove that they won't be abandoned or "demoted" because of the "new people." This is specially true with fear-based or shame-based (wounded) kids from low-nurturance childhoods.

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Q13)  Is it wrong for a bioparent to expect or demand that their new mate must love their stepkids or that their child/ren must love their stepparent and any stepsiblings?

       Yes. They haven't accepted the reality of their stepfamily identity and what it means. Kids who aren't taught about this unrealistic love expectation are specially vulnerable to (a) feel significant confusion, guilts, and shame; and to (b) seek approval by pretending "love" that they don't really feel. For more perspective, see this.

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Q14)  What can new mates do if an ex spouse or relative demands that a child reject or disobey their stepparent?

      Such demands usually indicate psychological wounds and other relationship barriers - so logical requests and explanations ("Don't you see you're confusing the child?") will usually not change the adult's behavior and will raise everyone's frustrations. Couples confronted with this situation can...

  • help each other free your true Selves to guide you, and assess the relative for psychological wounds (Lesson 1). If s/he seems to be wounded, follow these suggestions on how to relate effectively with Grown Wounded Children (GWCs);

  • choose an attitude of respect and compassion for the wounded relative, rather than scorn or blame. An inability to do this suggests a disabled true Self;

  • reaffirm your long-term priorities and your personal rights - and acknowledge the relative's equal rights;

  • if appropriate, read and discuss these articles on improving ex-mate relations and resolving the "Parental Alienation Syndrome" (PAS);

  • evolve a strategy to handle values and loyalty conflicts and relationship triangles together - see these options.

  • identify what specific actions you need from the antagonistic ex mate or relative - e.g. to...

    • read and discuss these articles on Grown Wounded Children (GWC) and the [wounds + unawareness] cycle;

    • read these articles on stepfamily basics, membership, and identity. Then accept that you all are a normal stepfamily, and that (the rejected adult) is a normal stepparent;

    • accept that the stepparent is NOT trying to compete with anyone or usurp a bioparent's role or authority;

    • acknowledge that the relative's rejection is confusing the child and putting her or him in the middle of a stressful loyalty conflict;

      More options...

  • sharpen your understanding of healthy and incomplete grief, and assess the hostile person for symptoms. If you find some, review this article and your Lesson 3 options.

  • Honesty evaluate if the stepparent's style of child discipline is too authoritarian, rigid, and punitive. If so, assess whether the relative is rejecting this style rather than the stepparent as a person. All of you read and discuss this article on effective discipline, for awareness and options.

  • in age-appropriate language, describe honestly what you're doing and why to any child/ren in the middle of the conflict, and to any supporters. Help kids accept this is an adult problem, and tell them clearly what you need without criticizing their other parent or relative. Ask each child what changes s/he needs, and do hearing checks!;

  • enforce any boundaries and consequences you assert with the relative promptly and respectfully, and intentionally avoid new persecutor-victim-rescuer triangles.

      If these options don't reduce the conflict well enough, consider using qualified professional help. 

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Q15)  Is there a "best way" for bioparents and stepparents to resolve major disputes over nurturing minor or grown kids?

      Yes. Adults can...

  • help each other ensure their true Selves are guiding each person involved (Lesson 1);

  • clarify and reaffirm their long-term family goals and personal priorities.

  • assess whether any of these barriers are promoting the conflict, and if so, work patiently to reduce them;

  • get clear on the concepts of values and loyalty conflicts and relationship triangles, and reaffirm or clarify their strategies for managing each of them; And family adults can...

  • stays aware of what each of their minor kids need, and negotiate which co-parent is responsible for helping to fill what needs. Then...

  • identify what unfilled primary needs are causing the surface "parenting argument," and agree on the difference between fighting, arguing, debating, and win-win problem-solving;

      If these don't help resolve the conflict, look for deeper personal or rre/marital problems (unfilled needs) - including the possibility one or both partners made up to three wrong re/marital choices.

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Q16)  Is there a best way that co-parents can manage major changes to their multi-home family system?

      Yes. To keep everyone balanced enough as inevitable changes occur...

  • help each other keep your true Selves in charge of reacting to life changes - do online Lesson 1 together;

  • choose a patient long-range attitude, and agree on a meaningful stepfamily mission statement;

  • stay aware of the difference between superficial and primary changes;

  • Help each other and the kids progress on Lesson 3 - growing a pro-grief stepfamily;

  • intentionally evolve and work at a family-merger plan, and teach it to your kids; and...

  • help each other pace yourselves - avoid making too many major family changes too fast.

Who's responsible for making and implementing it your family's "change management plan"? How is it "working" recently? "No plan" is a plan...

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Q17)  An authority I respect says in a conflict, (a) a re/married bioparent should put their child's needs ahead of their partner's needs, and that (b) the stepparent should accept this. Is this valid?

      No. After 36 years' study of typical U.S. stepfamilies, I believe such well-meant advice is often harmful. Common surface reasons for millions of re/divorces are...

  • a stepparent wearying of feeling too discounted and losing hope their mate will change; and/or

  • a bioparent wearying of feeling relentlessly caught "in the middle" of stressful loyalty conflicts, and seeing no hope of change. 

The underlying primary reasons for this are often that one or both partners made unwise re/marital decisions, and weren't aware of how to protect against these five unavoidable hazards. 

      What seems to work best for everyone long-term (when no compromises appear), is re/married co-parents agreeing to put their integrities and wholistic health first, their relationship second, and everything else third, except in emergencies. Paradoxically, this scheme puts dependent kids' welfare first by protecting them from stepfamily break-up.

      Do the stepparents in your family feel valued and included enough often enough to their mates? Do you all have an effective strategy to avoid or resolve loyalty conflicts yet? If not, what's in the way?

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Q18)  What is a family mission statement and a co-parenting "job description," and why are they each essential in most multi-home stepfamilies?

      They're essential because compared to average intact biofamilies, typical stepfamilies have...

  • many more people and relationships,

  • more concurrent adjustment needs and family-merger tasks,

  • more alien family roles to define and stabilize (up to 30, vs. 15 in typical biofamilies),

  • a higher chance that co-parents and some kids have significant psychological wounds, and...

  • less effective social support.

      Result: typical stepfamilies are at significant risk of escalating stress and psychological or legal re/divorce. Therefore, they need thoughtful mission statements and related co-parent job descriptions to help overcome these and five underlying hazards.

      The recent U.S. first-divorce rate (~45-50%) suggests most biofamilies need these too! Unless co-parents are aware of the [wounds + unawareness] cycle, mission statements and job descriptions usually aren't enough to protect them and their minor kids from ongoing stress, heartache, and more losses.

      Can you say clearly what you co-parents are trying to achieve with your (step)family, long term? The title of David Campbell's career-planning book applies to your adults and kids: "If you don't know where you're going, you'll probably end up somewhere else." Think long term!

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Q19)  (a) What is effective child discipline, and (b) what if divorcing or re/married co-parents can't agree on disciplinary rules and consequences in and between a minor child's two homes?

      Read and discuss these articles on discipline basics (Lesson 6) and effective stepfamily child discipline (Lesson 7). Then learn how to problem-solve effectively together (Lesson 2), and how to spot and resolve values and loyalty conflicts and relationship triangles as co-parenting teammates.

      If these don't promote stable, acceptable compromises, discuss this article on discovering primary needs, and suspect that the conflicted adults have unresolved relationship barriers (Lesson 4).

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Q21)  One or more of our co-parents doesn't care - or vehemently denies - that we're a stepfamily. If this is a significant problem, what can we do about it?

      Typical multi-home stepfamilies differ structurally and dynamically from intact biofamilies in over 60 ways! One result is that familiar norms and rules that work well enough in biofamilies often don't fill the primary and special needs of stepfamily mates and kids well enough.

      If one or more of your stepfamily adults ignores or denies your stepfamily identity, that puts them at high risk of (a) holding unrealistic expectations of themselves and the rest of you, and (b) rejecting one or more people from full stepfamily membership. That promotes ongoing stress and conflict, and hinders reducing co-parenting barriers and growing healthy bonds among you all.

      See this Lesson-7 article and example for more perspective and options. 

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Q22)  How can co-parents best prepare themselves and dependent kids for the re/marriage or re/divorce of a bioparent (ex mate)?

       Typical co-parents can prepare by...

  • expecting significant changes in family routines, roles, and relationships; and agreeing on how to manage them together over time (see Q17);

  • helping kids understand what these changes will mean to everyone, and inviting their questions and reactions;

  • being alert to losses (broken bonds), and helping each affected child and adult grieve them well over time (Lesson 5);

  • redraw and discuss your multi-generational stepfamily map ("genogram") to redefine who comprises the family now;

  • revising their co-parenting job descriptions (responsibilities) as appropriate;

  • be alert for any family membership and loyalty conflicts that may result from the re/marriage or re/divorce, and proactively resolve them together; and...

  • refresh everyone on your stepfamily's mission statement and invite any new people to adopt it;

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Q23)  How can co-parents best prepare themselves and dependent kids for the conception and birth of a new ("ours") child?

      Ideally, courting partners will discuss whether or not to conceive kids together before they exchange vows. Compared to average biofamilies, more people and relationships are affected by a new child in a stepfamily - i.e. there is a higher risk of significant conflict and stress.

      So couples need to carefully (a) deliberate the pros and cons of conceiving an "ours" child in their unique family system, and (b) consider each child's and relative's reaction to the possibility. The riskiest decision is to "surprise" everyone with a new child and expect joy and approval from everyone, as in a healthy biofamily.

      Psycholotically-wounded, unaware co-parents and relatives can hope (unrealistically) that a child conception will heal a decaying re/marriage and/or magically make a stressful stepfamily into a "regular" (bio)family. For practical ways to evaluate the pros and cons of having an "ours" child, read and discuss this article.

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Q24)  How can co-parents best prepare themselves and dependent kids for a child changing custodial homes or moving out for good?

      In roughly 30% of U.S. stepfamilies, one or more minor kids change custodial homes. These changes can be well planned or sudden, and harmonious or conflictual. Most state laws decree that a child can't decide which home they live in until they reach a certain age - often 14.

      Because this shift changes the stepfamily's basic structure, it's best to plan for the changes in and between both homes well in advance - including identifying losses and starting to grieve them (Lesson 3). When custody changes are imposed by one co-parent or forced through legal decree, resulting conflicts and relationship triangles can stress everyone for months or years. For perspective and suggestions, see these articles on child custody and changing homes.

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Q25)  Is it better to keep biological siblings living together, rather than splitting physical custody between bioparents?

      Every stepfamily is unique in composition, history, developmental stage, and structure, so it's hard to generalize about pros and cons of keeping biological (and/or step) siblings together. Perhaps the best way to decide is for all affected co-parents to adopt a long-range view (e.g. 15-25 years), and discuss "What custody arrangement is best for our marriage/s?"

      This builds on the premise that what's best for each sibling long-term is to avoid re/divorce trauma, regardless of who lives where, with whom. It's useful for all co-parents to cooperatively review each sibling's status with their developmental and family-adjustment needs, as input to a complex custody-splitting decision.

      A common alternative is for adults to overfocus on the short-range feelings and welfare of each sibling, and get tangled in a welter of loyalty conflicts and relationship triangles over visitations, clothing, finances, schooling, insurance, health, and legal parenting agreements. 

      This usually suggests that (a) one or more co-parents bear significant psychological wounds, (b) the adults haven't overcome their teamwork barriers yet, and (c) they can't problem-solve effectively. In such cases, arguing over custody arrangements and sibling bonds (surface issues) distracts from resolving these deeper problems.

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Q27)  Is there a best way to resolve co-parent disputes over financial child support, including insurance coverages and wills?

      Conflicts over money are common in typical divorcing families and stepfamilies. In every case, "money" is not the primary problem. If you have a family "money" dispute, dig down to discover who really needs what, and what's interfering. For perspective and specific options, read this

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Q28
)  What if co-parents can't agree on child visitation or custody arrangements?

      This impasse is usually a symptom of deeper issues like psychological wounds + ineffective communication + unresolved ex-mate stressors + unawareness of how to solve loyalty and values conflicts and relationship triangles + possibly incomplete grief + excessive divorce-related guilts.

      Each of these can be improved over time using the self-improvement Lessons in this nonprofit Web site. For more perspective see these articles on child visitations and child custody.

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Q29)  What if a minor child resists visiting their noncustodial parent's home?

      The "resistance" is probably caused by one or more of these primary problems:

  • the adults in one or both homes are Grown Wounded Children (GWCs) in denial (Lesson 1). If so, the ex mates have not resolved their mix of these common barrers;

  • the adults can't communicate and problem-solve effectively among themselves or with the child - (Lesson 2). This usually means they haven't evolved effective strategies to avoid or resolve values and loyalty conflicts and relationship triangles; and/or...;

  • one or more adults or kids hasn't progressed far enough in grieving up to four sets of major losses; (Lesson 3) and/or...

  • the adults aren't aware of the child's special needs, and/or aren't filling those needs effectively together; (Lesson 6); and/or...

  • something about the visitation process and/or the dynamics in the receiving home causes the child major discomfort, and s/he feels helpless to articulate or change that; and/or...

  • one or more adults rejects their stepfamily identity, or hasn't really accepted what that identity means - i.e. they have unrealistic stepfamily expectations and don't know it; and/or...

  • the co-parents are following misguided or harmful stepfamily advice; and/or...

  • the "visitation problem" is a red herring to distract everyone from admitting more serious problems like psychologically-unfinished divorces, infidelity, depression, addiction, crime, incest, abuse, or a dying marriage.

      Bottom line: the "visitation resistance" is usually not the real problem! For more perspective see this article.

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Q30)  Is there a best way to handle one bioparent withholding child visitation from their ex mate?

      Yes. See Q29 above, this article on improving ex-mate relations, and this article on Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS).

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Q31)  Is there a best way for co-parents to handle sexual attraction between a stepparent and stepchild? Between stepsiblings?

      Because typical stepparents, stepkids, and stepsiblings didn't grow up with each other, the incest taboo is usually significantly weaker among them than in healthy intact biofamilies. The odds of prior sexual abuse and dysfunction also may be higher in typical stepfamilies. See the links from this article to learn options toward reacting to inappropriate sexual feelings or actions in and between your stepfamily homes.

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Q32)  How should co-parents handle a co-grandparent or other relative clearly treating their biograndkids better than their step-grandkids?

      When such favoritism occurs, co-parents have powerful options like these:

Help each other put your true Selves (capital "S") in charge of your personalities via Lesson 1 or equivalent. Then assess the "unfair" relative/s for psychological wounds. If you suspect significant wounds, consider options like these; and...

Learn and practice effective-communication basics and skills via Lesson 2 - specially digging down to identify and focus on primary problems like these;

Check to see if the relative/s have accepted your stepfamily identity and what it means. If they haven't, read this and confront them respectfully on their denial;

Assess the relative/s (or you all) for incomplete grief and unresolved divorce-related guilt. If you find those, refocus from the "unfairness" issue to resolving these first;

Check to see if you co-parents are clear on, and have effective strategies for avoiding and resolving, values and loyalty conflicts and associated relationship trangles;

      More options...

See if any of these common relationship barriers are contributing to the "unfairness problem;" If so, read and discuss the options in this article.

Alert all your adults and supporters to the lethal [wounds  unawareness] cycle, and discuss ways of protecting your youngsters from inheriting it.

Invite the "unfair" (or all) relative/s to learn typical stepkids' developmental and family-adjustment needs, and ask their help in filling them over time;

Co-parents clarify and affirm your (a) personal rights and (b) shared short and long-term priorities and stepfamily goals. If none of the above reduce the secondary "unfairness" problem, then evolve clear behavioral boundaries and assert and enforce them respectfully with the appropriate relatives. And...

Within age-appropriate limits, keep your kids informed on what you're doing here and why. Tell them that this loyalty conflict and related triangles are adult problems to fix, not theirs.

      Option: invite and coach each "second-class" stepchild to tell the relative/s respectfully how the latter's behavior affects them. This is not about guilt or blame, it's about awareness and empathy-building! Finally...

Study and discuss this article on grandparenting.

      If these don't reduce the primary problems well enough, consider using qualified professional help.

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Q33)  Is there a best way to resolve divorcing-family or stepfamily disputes over holidays, vacations, and special celebrations?

      Yes. Such surface conflicts are always mixes of these underlying stressors:

adults' psychological wounds

loyalty and values conflicts

relationship barriers

denying stepfamily identity

family membership disagreements

relationship triangles

inability to problem-solve

incomplete grief

misguided advice

Family adults and supporters need to understand each of these factors and evolve a cooperative strategy for identifying and resolving them one at a time - as teammates. This online course shows how to do this. For perspective and options on "good enough" stepfamily holidays, read and discuss this article.

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Q34)  Are there any practical guidelines for co-parents to manage major disputes over religion, race, or sexual preference?

      Typical stepfamily members are more likely to differ in race, religion, or ethnic heritage than average intact biofamilies. This is a chance to enrich everyone - and also can cause significant conflicts in and between members and homes. Conflicts are specially likely where co-parents' ancestors grew up in low-nurturance environments.

      The real issues under such conflicts are psychological wounds, an inability to problem-solve, values conflicts, and disrespect. Study and discuss these articles on ways co-parent partners can confront sexual-preference and other prejudices effectively.

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